Brotherhood of Evil Mutants

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“I came up with the X-Men because I realized I had no blacks in my strip. I’d never drawn a black. I needed a black. I suddenly discovered that I had a lot of black readers. My first friend was a black! And here I was ignoring them, but than it hit me: what if Dr. King was a psychic in a wheel chair and what if Malcolm X had magnetic powers so he couldn't be shot? How different but exactly the same would things be?”

~ Jack Kirby on being relatively politically correct for the 1960's.

The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants AKA Mutants With Attitude and Mutant Brothers In The Hood, were a west coast mutant hip hop group and the long time bitter rivals of the east coast X-Men. Debuting in the 1960's during the 0th wave of Hip hop, their record producer was an elderly Jewish businessman by the name of Erik Lehnsherr AKA "Magneto" who wanted a new sound after he helped invent electronic synthesizers and forever changed the landscape of the music business like an atom bomb using his awesome music producing powers and magnetic personality he would use to found the label Death Camp Records.

The band[edit]

The original line up of The Brotherhood included Quicksilver who was the guitarist and Scarlet Witch played drums, while Mastermind handled pyrotechnics and the special effects. Toad would come out with his tongue hanging out wearing black and white face paint when he wasn't trying to sexually harass women. Mystique was a later additions to the band but brought them to the top of the charts as she was a musical chameleon, always giving the group a new style using instruments she'd find from different parts of the world. Than there was Juggernaut who didn't really play an instrument but he was a roadie who hauled around a lot of their equipment. Sabretooth later played bass and they got a new guy to do pyrotechnics and special effects by the name of Pyro.

The band was notorious for it's riotous concerts and delayed album releases from being in and our of super prison for the loss of countless innocent bystanders in their mutant gang wars with the X-Men to defend their so called Utopian, segregated super school that no homo sapien child will ever attend.

Teenage Mutant Gang Wars[edit]

“They call me the Iceman because I keep my 40 ounce fresh and a 50 cal ready to ice you at the drop of a snowflake. Where the light skinned mutant girls at?”

~ Bobby "Iceman" Drake on being real gangster but preferring light skinned mutant girls.

“I'm ma telepathic, of coarse I know waz you mean dawg. That's why I know you're seeing another woman and I ain't puttin up with any mo of yo shit!”

~ Jean Grey on not putting up with any more shit from scumbag men.

“The stylistic and thematic parallels between rap music and the the bard are really quite astonishing, tribal conflicts rooted in a broken family torn apart by money and power, finding one's relationship the subject of a comedy of error and fleeting romances never go out of style. It's no wonder stories of man versus society such as West Side Story work so well as social stratification leads another generation into the tragic noble blood feuds of the Montageus and Capulets, Sharks and Jets or the good side of the tracks versus the bad side, where the wind historically blows the smoke and debris of the train, meaning that side is the one which is conclusively officially more gangster.”

~ Beast on being a cool blue dude who plays keyboards.

The X-Men are a terrible band with watered down lyrics meant to get their CD's into Walmart without a parental advisory label so they could squeeze out a few more bucks out of the wallets of white suburban church doing kids whose parents want them to feel gangster but in a controlled safe environment. They have always known this and deeply resented Real Mutants like The Brotherhood who tell it like it is. The X-Men are always make it sound like the Brotherhood only formed a band as a cover for their criminal activities and to incite riots with their lyrics to curbstomp homoinferior, but the X-Men are just jealous The Professor never taught them how to constructively employ violent subject matter and the sound of gunshots into their music.

Cyclops would often go cruising in the blackbird down to the Brotherhood's recording studio than just roll down the window and just tilt his ruby shades looking real intimidating in his blue hoodie, not even saying a word sometimes, he knew like the X-Men that the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants couldn't just call the police. Other times Cyclops would come by late at night and he'd race quicksilver in the blackbird sometimes blaring music and shooting out the window with his kinetic eye beams.

Angel was a devote catholic who always wore the most expensive clothes but he would do some real creepy occult shit sometimes too, like leave pictures of dead children framed in tiny coffins, the little angelitos that died in the drug wars, and leave little makeshift baby dolls hanging in the trees as a vague warning that he practices Voodoo and Santeria, just not on Sundays. Angel was loaded in every since of the word, always buying the team's liquor and ready to send someone to the angels with his gat. His catchphrase is "Break out the condoms!"

Marvel Girl can spray paint the side of a building in less than a minute using her mind. Beast obtained an encyclopedic knowledge of martial arts and traditional Chinese medicine as well as how to speak Mandarin, Cantonese and Japanese fluently just from watching kung-fu movies. Although Beast is good at break dancing, Iceman still has the best moves sliding across the stage.

The X-Men's producer calls himself the The Professor, even though he doesn't have a degree in anything, and is easily the worst. His wheelchair has rims and spoilers and he's always blowing his money on expensive sneakers and living the good life at the expense of the kids, hardly letting them see a dime of the proceeds. Professor's always working the Jackson 5 of them half to death having them preform long hours in the Danger Room, using hydraulic spikes buzzsaws and flamethrowers to ensure they keep a beat and stay focused on the performance and criticizing them for every misstep, in no way trying to live his dreams of being a super star vicariously through them.

The band eventually recognized just how corny they were and recruited the rapper Weapon X to alter their image from that of a family friendly musical act about good feelings and the struggle for equality to one of a bitter drunk commando stabbing people with his fist knives and smoking a cigar over a mountain of flaming mutant haters, "This one goes out to all ma super soldiahs. Wars come and go, but super soldiahs is forever."

See also[edit]

  • Charles Manson: The world would have been much better off had he invented rap and just described his violent fantasies to a good beat or sample instead.