Ex-boyfriend
The ex-boyfriend is a subspecies of the human male (Imbiliciis moronii a. prickus), known for once having been your boyfriend before he left you for another girl (most likely younger, prettier, thinner and all-around nicer), or before you got tired of playing with the smallest attachment in history and decided to upgrade to a newer model.
Virtually all males can be classified as ex-boyfriends (or as ex-girlfriends, depending on their age and what they look like after you're done with them); other than Bill Gates, Uncyclopedia administrators, and janitors.
Types of ex-boyfriend[edit]
Although ex-boyfriends come in all shapes and sizes, there are five main varieties, each with notable differences:
Asshole[edit]
Sometimes referred to as the "Jerk", this particular sub-category of the species is well known for its ability to charm the female into dating it, being quite sweet for a couple of days, then attempting to sleep with all of her friends like a rabid disease with no cure.
If you see one coming, run. Warn your friends too, they more than likely won't listen but chances are you get to say "I told you so" and avoid their fate at the same time.
Cheater[edit]
Also known as 'Tha Playah', 'The Player','Social-slut', 'extremely popular'. They appear friendly, well-liked, social and popular. This particular variation of the ex-boyfriend can appear almost anywhere in any guise and is very hard to spot. From your Homie to your Goth, they hide everywhere.
Almost everyone falls for this type of ex-boyfriend the first time around. You won't get anything from him except an STD and debt.
Nice guy[edit]
That guy next door, too good to be true. Bought you flowers, took you shopping, did up your knee when you fell over that day while running from the bullies at school.
There are two types of nice guys:
- The guy who was always so good, that you got bored of him (POSSIBLE MYTH).
- The guy who cut off the head of your favorite dog and mailed it to you saying "Love Me Or Die!"
Complete psychos who are usually your first and last stalker, stealing (and smelling) your underwear, trying desperately to ring you about 15 times a day and sending several SMS screaming "Why don't you LOVE me?!" or "You never loved ME!" at random intervals.
He will do you favors, and superficially behave like a good boyfriend, but expect, in return, nothing less than blind devotion and ego fellatio, probably something like "Oh my fucking god, thank you, thank you for waiting for me after class! I'm not worthy! I bow before you, my perfect angel honey-love valentine god." Of course, even then, he will probably ask why you don't love him. If you loved him, you would know he prefers sugar over honey!
You will try to break up with the Complete Psycho. You will try. But inevitably, when confronting said psycho, he will guilt trip you. What an evil bitch you are, after he was so self-sacrificing! On some level, do not want him to be utterly destroyed, as he claims he will be if you leave him. Who knows? He might really love you. Plus, the sex is good. Fine, you stay with him.
However he, ironically, will be the one to break up with you. After deciding, ultimately, that he will settle nothing less for mindless zombie-like devotion and worship, he will reveal that he has "fallen in love" with your best friend, who truly understands his passionate, heroic struggles of upper-middle-class suburbia. Finally, he has found someone who TRULY appreciates his deep, poetic nature, unlike you, you evil bitch. "You never loved me!" he will exclaim again, this time out of bitter conviction.
The irony fairy will then retire.
Stalker[edit]
A close relative to the nice guy is the stalker. Being one of the more "mysterious" exes, they spend their time liking your social media posts from 3 years ago. This is the kind that knows your favorite soup, before you even introduce yourself.
The most reliable remedy is a plane ticket to a third world country, and possibly reconstructive plastic surgery. Even then, you're not safe.
Freak[edit]
The freak, the outcast. This is by far the rarest of the ex-boyfriends, as no one really bothers to give them their number (even if they do, it's usually a fake number, Pizza Hut is a popular choice), unless they are confused with the Asshole (which is highly unlikely due to their appearance). They are characterised by their geeky clothes, stained with pizza grease, and their stench, noticeable from 3 miles away. He is the kind that never leaves you alone, constantly talking about his pet rock or star wars figurines.
Suppose you have this variety, breaking up with them is the easy part. The problem comes afterwards, as they probably won't understand what happened in the first place (language barriers), and will continue to lick your teeth. AK-47s help in such situations. Another side effect is that you might need to clean up your house. Big time. Clorox won't help. You don't know where they have been. Imagination is the limit. Trust me, the last thing you want is stepping on soggy, piss soaked socks, or even worse, their lego.
Her perspective[edit]
In retrospect, I can't can't see why I ever dated him. He was cute, but nothing special, and he was good in bed, but not amazing. By good, I mean better than none. I must have been lonesome and desperate for affection. Initially, he seemed very interested in my every word, but after sleeping with me, the nature of his interest seemed to shift, and he stopped going to the gym, and spent most of his leisure time playing Grand Theft Auto with those drunks from his job. Bunch of assholes.
We had some good times, but in the end, we were on different paths, and simply weren't compatible. Plus, you had a very tiny penis.
His perspective[edit]
To hell with you. Nothin' but a piece of ass to me ... a fat ass, bitch. I'm on to better things, my computer will never leave me.
The innocent bystander's perspective[edit]
What do you mean you've been dating your ex again? You told me you were single! You said he was a bastard who didn't respect you! All this will they or won't they quantum entanglement bullshit is making my brain hurt like hell. Do you hate him or love him? Just make up your damn mind already or flip a coin if you're that uncertain.