The Avengers

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The Avengers is a fictional team of superheroes in the Marvel Universe. Originating as a group of bullied losers in 7th Grade, the early Avengers took it upon themselves to fight for justice and liberty and together fight back against their bullies. They have fought many villains in their days, such as Loki, Emperor Romartus of Rome, Doctor Doom, and most recently Justin Bieber. While there have been numerous members throughout the years, some of the most notable recent members are, amongst others:

Captain Mexico[edit]

The awe-inspiring crimefighting Captain Mexico, wielding the limitless might of his indestructible sombrero.

A Mexican patriot who claimed to be a direct descendant of Zorro, Severo Rogelio grew up with a strong hatred towards USA and believes that Latin America is the cradle of human civilization and furthermore claimed that California and New Mexico should belong to Mexico and that Los Angeles should be the Mexican capital. Regarding the US government in general and George W. Bush in particular as enemies of the (Mexican) state, some form of twisted logic caused him to join the superheroes in Avengers to fight for the Hispanic inhabitants of USA, while he cares little for so called "white trash" or other ethnicities than the Hispanic ones. He now fights the good fight wielding his characteristic indestructible adamentium sombrero (which can used as both hat and shield depending on the situation) whilst at the same time reciting quotes from various Zorro books and movies, and has often been regarded as the leader of the group, despite the fact that he's a total loon.

Thor Heyerdahl[edit]

The Norwegian Thor Heyerdahl preferred traveling by airplane in his elderly days

Thor Heyerdal is a former Norwegian marine biologist who discovered that one can evolve oneself to nigh-omnipotence and immortality by traveling repeatedly across certain timezones in a Kon-Tiki raft blessed with some ancient voodoo magic that he had discovered. How this could happen nobody knows, leastways Thor himself. But then again, there is so much that we simply do not understand. It is noteworthy to note that according to the three Norwegian sages, prophets and oracles that compose the divine Norwegian organization Raske Menn recently revealed that Thor Heyerdahl was present and welcomed Marco Polo to both China and later America (having previously, or perhaps afterwards, come there to welcome fellow Norwegian Leif Erikson and left a sign for Christopher Columbus to discover), as well as welcoming (another) fellow Norweigian, Roald Amundsen, to the South Pole and Neil Armstrong to the Moon. In all instances he greeted them with the phrase "Hello, I've just arrived in my fantastic boat", but due to his amazingly poor English, and the fact that Columbus couldn't stand being anything but the discoverer of America, no-one could stand listening to him any longer then that, and Columbus destroyed the sign. Faking his own death in the year 2002 wasn't so hard now that he is just as immortal as Oscar Wilde himself. He then joined the Avengers in their neverending quest for oven-ready chicken and dressed up in a silly costume with a queer-looking Viking-helmet and pretended that the axe with which he had earlier constructed his rafts earlier had some form of magic properties.

Scarlet Bitch[edit]

Wanda waving to Joss Whedon at the premier of Avengers

The Scarlet Bitch, Wanda Maximus, grew up more or less an orphan with her twinbrother Pietro, aka Quicksilver, under her abusive, alcoholic adoptive father Jango Fett and his slightly more caring wife Marya Maximus. Her real mother Magda had been a bohemian hippie who had spent lots of time in Goa with a being fittingly called the High Revolutionary, who was a communist pig who operated from the hidden city of Euthanasia and had found a way to evolve himself into near godhod by unlocking the secrets of LSD and using it on himself whilst at the same time reciting poetry from the wellknown poetry collecting called the Communist Manifesto.

The downwards spirals towards her future as a full fledged haypenny harlot began when she attempted to molest a Transian boy against his will, only to discover to her dismay that he was not up to her hornyness. Her previously abusive adoptive father Jango died in the titanic "Jango Fett-corps vs. the Agent Smith-corps"-war at the gates of Euthanasia in the early 70's. It was by then that she discovered that her mutant-powers was not only to be extremely slutty but also bringing extremely bad luck to anyone in her near proximity, such as carcrashes or your cellular phone suddenly ringing from your insurance company to inform you that your mother has died in a planecrash, or it might even be lightning that suddenly strikes you from a clear blue sky. This tendency towards bad luck all but ruined her brief career as a burlesque dancer.


The beaten and abused twin-brothers of the Scarlet Bitch, Pietro Maximus grew under the same condition as his sister, only he never ended up a complete whore. Tied-up in chains and forced by her bitchy sister to clean laundry and wash the dish while she's out on the streets looking for any married man she can find, Pietro discovers to his sheer joy has the power to clean the house in above lightspeed in a few seconds. Inspired by the endless array of silver-dishes and cutlery that he's forced by his abusive sister to constantly clean and his ability to mow the lawn in mere nanoseconds, he takes on the stage name Quicksilver, the fastest housekeeper in business. Sadly, he also discovered that his sisters badluck-powers automatically restores the house to its previous dirty status as soon as she gets back home from her nightly excursions, and thusly that he has start all over again. Now alone and thrown out on the streets because his sister has been a majorleague whore again, he endlessly wanders around taking any cleaning-job that he can get to make good use of his blitz-ability.

Luke Skywalker[edit]

Born as the son of former Jedi-knight turned Sithlord Anakin Skywalker and Senator Padmé Amidala, Luke and his sister Leia was born an orphan (see a parallel with the Maximus-twins?) on the Polis Massa asteroid and raised on Tatooine by Owen and Beru Lars. Eventually being trained as jedi in the ways of force by the mighty crusader Obi-Wan Kenobi and then by Yoda, Kermit the Frog's elder brother, he eventually becomes a jedi-knight himself and faces against his evil father, the Sith Lord Darth Vader and the even more evil Black Pope Palpatine the XVI, aka Darth Sirius Black. Emerging victorious, he lays the foundation of a new Jedi Order, only to grow bored of it and decides that he wants to be an Avenger instead. And that's the short story. Don't ask us about the long one. Luke was forced to switch sides during the Marvel VS Disney VS Star Wars event, he joined the New Jedi Order and together with the resurrected Jedi forces of Obi-Wan, Mace Windu, Qui-Gon and Yoda defeated all 42 members of the Fantastic Four and killed the cast of High School Musical.

Talc Man[edit]

An industrialist billionare and supergenius, Anthony Stark eventually realized that he wants to be no worser than Bruce Wayne, but upon noticing that the Justice League of America doesn't seem to exist in the Marvel Universe, he joins the Avengers instead. Dressing himself up in a selfdesigned high-tech suit of talc and gypsum, he becomes the heroic Talc Man who brings justice to the world and usually kicks some serious supervillain ass. Thanks to his suit, he also has the power of flight and the ability to emit energy blasts from his talc suit. A very notorious character as the author so like to fuck up with him that now and then they prefer to hit the "unfuck all" button instead of sorting all that mess.


Born completely tone-deaf and having according to rumour "a voice like a crow", Robert Reynolds foolishly decided that he wanted to be a singer anyway and enlisted for the wellknown reality show American Idol. Discovering that he has the power to make the jury laugh themselves to death just by trying to perform his contribution to the contest, he quickly realizes the potential that such a power could have in the field of crimefighting. Now a part of the Avengers team, he now uses his complete lack of musical talent to make evildoers laugh themselves to death whenever he makes an entry, hence his name.


Some superhero groups will let anyone join these days.

A mid-size animal in the Carnivora order, the wolverine is a carnivorous predator that hunts anything ranging from the size of mouse to a moose. The wolverine is a viscious, bloodthirsty kill-for-fun monster packed into a deceptively small frame. Whilst helping New York City during a sudden outbreak of escaping animals from a zoo, Anthony Stark aka the Talc Man ran into one of those beasts and realizing the crimefighting potential of the wolverine and decided to abduct it to turn into the ultimate crimefighting predator. Now named Logan and armed by Stark with a rocketlauncher on its back and a bloodlust that makes Dracula seem like an innocent polar bear in comparisation, the Wolverine serves as the undisputable mascot of the Avengers Team.


Born a natural genius and the groups secondary "big brain" after Anthony Stark, Dr. Henry Pym's greatest aim in life was always science, especially robotics, cybernetics and biochemistry. Joining the Avengers early on, he took on various pseudonyms such as Pant-Man, Ganja-Man and Foilhat and would often spend all night in his laboratory, working on various inventions. That, however, changed forever that dark day when he went to downtown China-Town to have some first-class chinese food. Unbeknownst to him, he had been followed by the psychotic Kool-Aid Man, a wellknown serial killer and a living menace on two legs. In order to continue his sick schemes and claim another victim, he attempted to do to Henry what Neal Cassady had once done to him and mix a handful of LSD into his food without anyone notice. Now Henry Pym consumed the LSD-fueled food and thus went into a severe state of mindshattering neurosis.

Whilst Pym was trying to, with the greatest effort, maintain his own sanity, the Kool-Aid Man suddenly leaped up, with a bloody axe in his hand, from the dark corner in which he had concealed his menacing persona until this moment and came running towards Pym shouting "Oh yeah! Oh yeah!" repeatedly in a menacing fashion. The combined effect of the LSD and the horrid sight of the mad critter that is the Kool-Aid Man sent Pym completely over the edge, and he went into a state of severe paranoia and was never the same person again. Managing to escape and having now been turned from a highly sane man into a slobbering lunatic over night, Henry Pym assumes the title Straightjacket after the very same costume that he was now forced to wear at all times. Now battling villains with the same frenzy as Steve Ballmer tears through Googlebots, the Straightjacket continues his mad quest to rid the world of villains, which he believes to all be in reality, the Kool-Aid Man.

The Vision[edit]

The "Vision" is just a rumour. Some Avengers claim they've had one, but they always end up agreeing that it was all probably just a hallucination. It is still not clear whether the so called "Vision" is actually a part of the Avengers or not. Some say that he appears when you mentions his name five times over in front of a mirror to tell you that you've won a weekend trip to Murmansk. But that's also a rumour.

The Amazing Fiber-Man[edit]

A brilliant student and photographer, Peter Parker was accidentally bitten by a radioactive broadband-cable whilst visiting a LAN-party and thus became the Amazing Fiberman. Now capable of shooting T3 fibercables out of his arms and hands in times of need, the Amazing Fiberman is capable of beating the crap out of of baddies whilst at the same time downloading illegal movies and games from DC++ directly into his brain as long as he can plug into a nearby computer. He has also the power to become living digital information and send his very essence through the Internet, ending up numerous parsecs away. Furthermore he has an incredible "Fiber-sense" to know instinctively whenever the latest movies or games are being shared on illegal file-sharing applications and to detect network transfer speeds down to kilobyte level.

The Incredible Hunk[edit]

Born as a ugly jerkwater loser, Bruce Banner was never God's best children, at least not judged by look. Forced into a life of abject servitude by his wicked stepfather Starspangled Banner and his equally wicked stepbrothers Dannebrog and Union Jack, Bruce Banner eventually becomes a military scientist after finishing his university studies. Subjected by accident to fatal gamma rays from a "Gamma bomb", he discovered to his surprise that he's been transformed from a skinny, pale-assed loser with glasses bigger than his own head into an elegant, tall, sexy and stunningly goodlooking hunk. Unfortunely he also discovers that this is only for a limited time and that he eventually degenerates back into his old nerdy self. He must also look himself in a mirror in order to become the Incredible Hunk. Now having become the male version of Cinderella, Bruce eventually joined up with the Avengers to fight for the sake of other ugly jerkwater geeks rights to a better life and now uses his drop dead gorgeous alter ego, the Incredible Hunk, to be the Avengers primary face outwards in television and magazines and to get as many chicks as possible while he still can, including the likes of Mischa Barton, Keira Knightley and Jessica Alba. But even when he is posing as his other more aesthetically challenging self, he must always live under the stressing condition of never knowing when the clock rings for midnight and he must swiftly flee the castle before his Incredible Hunk disguise fades.

Miley Cyrus[edit]

Miley Cyrus was once a shy retiring school girl who happened to have a famous daddy, and a horde of films, songs and merchandise later she found herself being kidnapped by Demi Lovato who dropped her into a pool or radioactive copies of Camp Rock DVD's, Miley survived the encounter and now could shatter anything with her voice and combined with her lacklustre acting and fake guitar playing, she is currently being sued by the FBI after her unfortunate remarks at the UN.


Clint Barton is an undiscovered member of the Avengers. According to popular belief, he wields a bow and arrow, therefore is easily the most effective and powerful member of the group. However, due to the nature of his uncertain existence, many believe that his primary power may be the ability to make everybody completely forget he exists.

See also[edit]