Coronation Street

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Weatherfield is home to some of England's tallest cameramen.

Coronation Street (known in t'local area as Corrie, Corro, The Corrs, or simply The Longest Running and Most Watched Soap Opera on British Television) has gone and won shedload o' awards at the Soap Oscars, including Loudest Fart of the Year, consistently won by Kylie Platt. We're always better than EastEnders of course.

It were first broadcast on 9 December 1960 back in t'day when all the world were smokey an' all black and white and that. We even had tellies wi'owt colour and toilet in back garden. It were made by Grenada Television. (Corrie I'm talkin' about, not toilet in back garden).

Our Dad would come home from t'pit, switch on telly of an evening, wait fer an hour while telly warmed up, and we'd sit in front of telly on wooden box, rememberin' not t'wriggle too much or we'd get splinter in us legs.

It were not only the programme to watch of a week, it were the only programme on. Folk in my street could only afford to watch one programme 'cos Our Dads couldn't afford to pay electric bills for watchin' "shite".[1]

The only thing Our Mam didn't like about t'programme were it's over-the-top northern language and dialect; characters on Corrie were using terms like "eh, chuck?", "nowt", and "by 'eck!" when no bugger in their right mind uses talk like Ecky-Thump in real life.

T'Rivalry Wi' 'T'other soap on t'BBC'[edit]

Toytown version of Corrie titles.

See, we had our programme on t'telly on Monday night at ha'past seven and Wednesday night at ha'past seven, for 24 year. Then they come along an' had their programme on Tuesday nights at ha'past seven and Thursday nights at ha'past seven. They were scared, 'cos we were more popular and more loved an they din't want to be up against us. We showed them who was boss by chucking in an extra episode on Fridays at ha' past seven. Then they got a bit o' the cocky cocknies about it and chucked an extra episode on Mondays at eight. So we bunged an extra episode on Sundays at ha' past seven Then they added t'other episode on a Friday at eight, which meant it started on telly after we finished. The bastards. So we put an episode after them on Mondays at ha' past eight. Ha! That showed 'em.

It is a good thing for the show that people are living longer, since most of their audience is over 90.


T'producers pushed boat out fer t'Silver Jubilee episode in '77.

Coronation Street is set in a made-up, fictional, like, street in Manchesterland, Up north in England. The programme focuses on the lives of various simple folk wi' mortgages and cars, from the saucy Desperate Deirdre to the loveable Jack Duckworth. Regular storylines include folk popping t'shop fer food. Every couple of years, they have big clear out by droppin' plane on Street or drivin' a truck into local pub.


Each programme is made about a year before it's on telly, so if one of t'actors croaked it, you'd still be watching 'em on telly for about a year after they passed away. This confuses a lot o' folk, they read in t'paper that so-and-so behind the bar at t'Rover's Return has popped her clogs, but she can still be seen on telly. Our Mam thought it were another actor playing the part an' telly company were using Hollywood special effects, like superimposin' old actor's face over new actor's face. Our Nanna thought it were just dead body of actor bein' controlled by wires or summat.

Also, Our Nanna couldn't understand how it could be all sunny like on Corrie, but outside her window it were all raining like because she only lives 2 mile from studios. Mind you, our Nan refused to buy colour telly fer ten year 'cause she reckoned t'actors were better in Black and White

This series is set largely in a retirement home with rooms painted to look like a street.

T'Tram Crash[edit]

EastEnders's Heather Troll all the way down in Walford farted causing a tram to fall of a bridge killing everyone...oh wait an EXPLOSION which everyone seems to have forgotten about.

Anyway, killed was loose-balled Ashley, Molly, and Charlotte the monkey. Oh yeah, don't forgot some random TAXI DRIVER who died and the bloody passenger closer to the explosion SURVIVED.

T'Current Characters[edit]

Ken Barlow Is the oldest actor in the world, and best friends with the ghosts of erotic, post-modern writers. Married Deirdre six times in one year, and looks at the street like the greatest piece of art ever produced by the Victorians. The other characters look up to him like he's God. Went to go and visit his brother in Canada in 2013, even though he's been dead for 40 years.
Emily Bishop Bible bashing hobo-lover. Was finally de-flowered by a Hungarian at the age of 37. Husband Ernest shot dead 30 year ago. Lucky beggar.Fell in love with Noris's brother, Ramsay Clegg. Ramsay Clegg developed a brain tumour because of the dreary god conversation he had with Emily night after night after night after night. Now she is just banging around the church with the new vicar Billy.
Rita Sullivan Red headed cross-dresser, exotic dancer by night, wise newsagent by day. What is it with her and trams?
Deirdre Barlow Super-Extra-marital darling of the Big Glasses brigade who used to look a librarian in her younger years, and quite something else as of present. Has unnaturally deep voice that leads people to suspect that she's either MTF or possessed. Loves Ken, but you know she'll leave him once a better looking guy shows an interest in her. Her final scene had her throwing a trifle at the wall. When she died, a nation wept.
Gail Potter Tilsley Platt Hillman McIntyre Rodwell Tortoise bunny-boiler who calls Emos' Emus', who actually looks like an emu when in a ruffle. Loses men chronically. Married five times, with four of her husbands dead and the other who moved away and only came back twenty years later to announce he was moving even further away. Her kids also have a tendency to change their faces and never visit after moving away. She loves singing really loudly in the gym and pushing her son David down the slide at the Red Rec.
Tracy Barlow Currently portrayed by its 91st actor in the role. Not really related to Ken, spawned by Deirdre, who was so deeply embarrassed about that she eventually had to move away and die in a friend's garden. When she gets bored of a boyfriend she likes to murder them. Spent a few years in her room, held captive by Ken who wouldn't let her out until the story said so. Kate Ford, who currently plays Tracy, has the enviable reputation as being one of the worst actresses to have ever lived, having been kicked out of West Gorton's Am-Dram society in 1941 for being "too wooden" and for being "unable to say her lines without them sounding like she's reading them right off the script."
Audrey Roberts Gail's Mam, hMM? hMM? who employs bitchy hairdressers who can only brush and mess with hair, not cut it. Glamour granny. Recent love interests include 90 year old prostitutes and cross-dressers.
Nick Tilsley Our Nicky once left the Street for Canada for a few months before returning with a different face and a sudden six-pack. Then left. Then came back. Then left again. Then came back with a different face again. Then left again. Due to come back with another new face any day now.
Kevin Webster Sweaty, dirty, hairy; but a hero. Spends most of his life under cars and women. Currently single, after finally deciding to trade Sally in for a younger model then changed his mind. Now Sally hates him, t'other woman is dead and he's been dumped with their sprog.
Jenny Bradley Local psycho, looking after baby Jack. Sopheh doesn't trust her, and neither would you with a dodgy perm like that. Her dad was flattened by a Blackpool tram after trying to kill Rita.
Sally Webster You would, though, wouldn't you?
Liz McDonald Landlady of t'Rovers. Constantly leaves the show only to return a few months later... you'd have thought she'd realise she'll never get proper acting work. Looks rough, but chances are you'd still shag her. Sleeps with every man in Weatherfield, including Kirk.
Steve McDonald Son of the Slag Queen, he just LOOKS like he has a "social disease" or three. Somehow really good at hooking women that are too good for him (Vicky, Karen) but deep down he's right at home with a slag (Becky) who puts his Dear Old Mum to shame. He has one of the largest recorded vocabularies with two spectacular words - FLIPPIN' HECK! Frequently gets women pregnant after sleeping with them once, but can't manage the same when he's actually trying for a sprog.
Sarah Platt Grew up on the Street. After puberty, she became so attractive she fell pregnant within a week. Disappeared to Milan for seven years, never even visiting for Christmas, then came back when even the panto offers dried up.
Bethany Platt Sarah's daughter, who used be a cute kid but came back as an attractive 19-year old still with a Manchester accent, despite having lived in Italy for over half her life.
David Platt Is said to be made up of many psychological disorders. Seems to have calmed down after being diagnosed with epilepsy which everyone seems to have forgotten about. Got married to Becky's sister Kylie before meeting her. Now a devoted father-of-two, not bad for a former psychopath in training. So good looking even the male rapists want him.
Norris Cole Has the largest nose ever recorded for a molerat.
Sophie Webster Local lesbian. Has the strongest Manchester accent on-screen. If you squint she looks a bit like a bloke.
Roy Cropper Cardigan Wearer of the Year 2001. Also voted Best Dressed Man o' 1977 (In 1998). Hobbies include saying "Hello", and stuttering ancient knowledge under his breath. Likes bats and steam trains. "A simple orange juice" will suffice for Roy.
Leanne Battersby Former hooker who was recently found by her long lost mother...looks like she was a hooker too!
Toyah Battersby Toyota Battersby has the widest eyes known to man. Since her return she has donned many a Betty Turpin blouse all served with a frown at T'Rovers.
Tyrone Dobbs Fat meat-headed mechanic.
Dev Alahan Local asian shopkeeper (every street has one) Eats scenery like it's chocolate. Has a child in pretty much every county in England, the mucky sod. Married Sunita and slept with Deirdre...tranny chaser extraordinaire!
Eileen Grimshaw How many new family members!!!
Jason Grimshaw Arrogant builder twat, has shagged every fit bird on the Street. The bastard.
Todd Grimshaw Gay bloke with an 'attitude' (as in, he's a total cunt to everyone else). Was a successful solicitor in London, so obviously moved back home to work in a pawnbrokers.
Maria Connor David's childhood crush. Mildly illiterate and acts like she's posh but if she were, she would know how to read and not be living in this Godforsaken street. Loves the fake tan in a can, even in January. Bitch, you're not Snooki. CARLA IS HER MORTAL ENEMY because Carla succeeds at everything Maria tries for, like her husband.
Kirk Sutherland Just a bit of low IQ comedy.
Fiz Brown Like Gail, ginger Fiz got locked up for a murder she didn't commit. Has matured over the years from "fat and ugly" to "overweight and mildly uncomfortable to look at."
Chesney Brown A ginger child despite the name, mothered by his grizzly-bear of a sister called Fiz. Recently popped his cherry and decided to start a family.
Sean Tully Longest serving gay character. Started off as refreshingly funny stereotype, then over the years became 'GET THE FUCK OFF MY SCREEN' annoying. His actor was gifted with a chat show by ITV, which promptly crashed and burned because of haters.
Lloyd Mullaney The last human being alive, having spent three million years in suspended animation. Has a thing for robots, rescuing strippers and crack. Currently working undercover as a taxi driver with a fetish for records.
Carla Connor The type of woman the word MILF was invented for. Black widow type, and the only successful, independent woman on the street - despite that, she has horrible luck with men. Her first husband died. Her next conquest was his brother who was married, then died. The second husband was a murderer, then died. Her most recent boyfriend was a violent rapist... who died. But hey that's Weatherwood for you. HER MORTAL ENEMY/SECRET SIST-EH is Maria.
Michelle Connor Remember the dark haired one from Hear'Say? No, me neither. Like Liz, has a tendency to leave the show then return a little later for her famous arm-crossing and nagging at Steve.
Johnny Connor Supposedly Carla's father. Has MS which people seem to have forgotten about.
Kate Connor Another spawn of the Connor family. Not entirely sure how she is related to the rest of them.
Aidan Connor Bit lumpy and dim but a decent lad. Unnecessarily committed suicide when that fate could've gone to someone less important like Chez.
Simon Barlow Started off as an adorable kid, then grew up into a right little shit who even beat up his mum, Leanne. Good for him!
Anna Windass MILF. Was happily married to Eddie until he decided to propose to her... wait, what? When she got bored, she adopted a daughter called Faye in about five minutes. Now in prison probably working for the head bitch.
Gary Windass Chesney's big bro who was in the army. Despite being ginger, has amazing luck with women thereby destroying any realism the show may have had.
Mary Taylor Breaths heavily after every word. Lives in a magic campervan which moves all over the place.
Aldi and Asda Two of Dev's children who constantly run around everywhere wrecking the joint. Dev recently started bumming Aadi after he found out he had a talent for golf.
Izzy Armstrong Feisty, mostly dull, wheelchair user.
Yasmeen Nazir The only person to match Sally's conservatory with her orangery.
Rana Nazir How many lesbians does one street need?
Saira Habeeb Rana's mum. Supposedly a Muslim despite wearing the tightest and shortest clothes known to man.
Gina Seddon Weatherfield's answer to Jean Slater but nowhere near as annoying thankfully.
Gemma Winter Chav turned barmaid by St Rita. Best t'new character in years. Uses too much foundation and ends each episode a different race.
Claudia Colby Audrey's pal. Has a habit of calling everyone "darling" and stealing other hairdressers. Berated "Aud" for going out with a cross dresser, not realising she looks like one herself. Looks as though she has Basil Brush residing at the top of her head.
Imran Habeeb Makes funny faces and spends most of his time saying "oh". Had both Battersby sisters on the go at the same time... poor sod.
Moira Pollock Moira "Oh Elizabeth" Pollock holds the distinction of being the only character other than Jim to call Liz by her full name. Most underused t'character in't show.
Kylie Platt Becky's sister. Left and came back as a bar of 'Candy' and got married to David before even meeting him. Against all odds, she managed to only cheat on him once (and not even with Jason Grimshaw, the bastard). Dead now.
Faye Windass Troubled child adopted by Anna. Has told the most lies of any young girl EVER. Woke up one morning to find she was eight months pregnant. Is enough to put anyone off the thought of fostering for life.
Evelyn Plummer Tyrone's gran apparently. Spends a lot of her time shouting and looking after Hopeless and Rubehhhh. Probably has a thing for Dipstick Dev.
Abi Franklin Becky clone. Promoted to main character status for sleeping with Steve McDonald.
Emma Brooker Looks like the love child of Kelly Crabtree (remember her?) and Kirk Sutherland. Again, promoted to main character status only this time for sleeping with David.
Paula Martin Has the honour of being the first lesbian ever created in history.

T'Our Ken Barlow Versus Mike Baldwin[edit]

Over t'years there's been a reet few tasty messins between the two Gods of Corrie. Most of these happened before were bought a Betamax video in late '80s.[2] So I'm sorry if I'm remembering badly here:

  • Ken sneaked into Mike's bathroom in t'middle of night and stretched clingfilm over t'toilet seat.
  • Ken told everyone in Rovers that Mike had a cock like a chipolata.
  • Mike tampered with Ken's message t'milkman. Ken ended up with 185 bottles o'milk on his doorstep next morning.
  • Mike ingested crocodile eggs that had been slipped into his morning coffee. They come burstin' out his chest like John Hurt in t'Alien.
  • As Mike lay unconscious in hospital, Ken filled his drip wi' urine.
  • Ken kept phoning in fake pizza orders an' getting them sent to Mike's flat.
  • Ken slipped Mike enough viagra to knock out 100 African Bull Elephants causing Mike to die of an erection-induced heart attack.

T'Rovers Return[edit]

T' Rover's is most popular pub in t'street that people were most of t'exposition teks place. Beer is quite cheap in t'Rovers, and serves a much better head on pint than that Cockney dump, The Queen Vic in stinking London EastEnders.

The winner of 'Rovers Barmaid of the Millennium'

The only food they sell there is Betty's hotpot, which the cast eat for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. All washed down with dark brown liquid.

The Rover's were setting for most popular episode in history of t'show, 1998's classic Karaoke and Gangsta Chess storyline.

T'Betty's Hotpot[edit]

The Manchesterland contribution to world cuisine, the infamous Hot Pot, invented by Betty Turpin in her own private laboratory is sold under the bar in t' Rovers. The dish has been known to strip paint from walls and it's gravy has nuclear half life of 25,000 years. The locals swear by it as a cure f'hangovers and Acne.

In recent years, the name 'Betty's Hot Pot' has also become synonymous wi' sexual position. But no one round 'ere's done it yet.

See Also[edit]

T'Foot(notes) of our stairs[edit]

  1. My Dad said this. It were his favourite word. That and 'Bollocks'
  2. Chris Tonks at the end of our street were the first in Manchester to get video. We'd all go round his house after tea and watch porn. Obviously.