Soulcalibur

SoulCalibur is an extensive historical document recording the events of 16th century Europe and Asia; those other 4 continents, not so much. Much to many historians’ surprise, 16th century Europe and Asia consisted of samurais, giant black people, and big breasted girls in spandex. It chronicles the events surrounding a mystical weapon known to the properly educated as the Soul Edge and to the common man as that kick-ass giant sword with an eyeball in it. Many desired the sword, despite the fact that they don’t know how to use it. Sigmund Freud probably has something to say about that, but he’s too busy fending off super model ninjas with a three section Shaolin staff representing the id ego and superego.

Historical figures of Soul Calibur

• Xianghua (pronounced "bob") is the Asian hot chick that proves that martial arts can greatly increase kinky skills with her... bendiness. She molest people with her sword and the only English phrase she knows is "Just Kidding". She is Kilik's girlfriend who got dumped after getting caught while filming "Two kids in a Sandbox" with Maxi. Now she searches for SoulEgde and SoulCalibur to beat the shit out of Kilik, but instead got her ass handed to her by Spriggangirl. Just kidding! No, I'm not fuckin' kidding.-_-*

• Kilik is Xianghua's ehr... um, Maxi's boyfriend who have revently become emo under Nightmare's dark influences after dumping her because of her dildo fetish. He smacks people in the face with a long, hard, cold (or hot)... stick, making him the most cheating character in the game because of his length. And he is a littlebit Gay

• Maxi was born in New Jersey, doubled for John Travolta in Grease, and eventually became a successful Elvis impersonator in Las Vegas. Rolling Stone calls Maxi one of the Greatset Elvis Impersonators Of All Time. Even though he cannot play the guitar but He can certainly bash the shit out of everbody over the head with his nunchucks. The chicks dig it. Also the name of pads used to block....things, I think. However, Maxi is also known as a homosexual...in which he had sex with Kilik, recently and is also some kind of fuckin' hot ass stripper for both men and girls.

• Astaroth (pronounced “big bob”) is a bright and cheerful seven year-old in Mrs. Puff’s Kindergarten Class. He likes drawing puppies and reading Dr. Seuss books, but does not like nappy time. Appeared in the Clock Tower 3 game, as Sledgehammer.

Unknown to many, Taki was also, in fact, the inventor of camel toe.

• Taki is a ninja demon hunter, the inventor of spandex and the world's largest supply of milk. Taki makes screeching sounds while doing weird things in front of her opponent - things that look suspiciously like a mating dance. If you hold still, you'll survive but if you so much as move a hair, she will attack you from eight sides all at once and all attacks will hurt your groin. Her use in the game was to prove that when a large pair of unsupported breasts are allowed to jiggle freely, women will squirm as much as men do when they view another guy getting hit in the crotch. Seriously, how does she fight demons without a sports bra? She’s going to be seriously droopy before she reaches 35 if she’s not careful. She could benefic the world if she just took it all off and let them babies SHWANNNGG!

• Ivy (pronounced Ivy) A woman whose breasts grow 20 times faster than her body. She recently learned a new move - to crush her opponents' head between her gigantic breasts. Carries a whip to keep the breasts under control. She competes with Taki in the milk market. Also known as George Washington. Every installment Ivy's breasts grow, and costume shrinks, making some people think that her breasts eat her costume. This eventually ended in Soul Calibur 5 where her costume/breast size got reset...accidentally. The kid who did it was chased around the Namco building for thirteen hours by male employees howling with such furious rage that their faces looked like stop traffic lights.

• Giles Redferne (pronounced "What a fuckin' hunk." or "Ivy/Belmont-fighter wannabe who just wants to fuck up the evil Warlock from the 17th century and ended up in a sword-fighting video game.) That one faggot with the fur coat and the outfit and the whips and a stupid-ass witch compass. He injected something in his hot body and ass to make 'em bigger and hotter as time passes. Because of his moveset, he is able to defy logic, as he, despite being 32, would logicly be too old to be a Ivy fighter, 'cus acording to his backstory, he was... fuck I dunno, made when Soul Edge wondered what it'd be like to rape some woman. Or maybe the writers were on crack, and decided this roughly the same time they decided on his cock size and character design.

• Yoshimitsue does some cool stuff with a ninja sword. but was sued by Nintendo for being a nother video game character with "Yoshi" in or as a name. he was sentence to death. Not to be confused with the Yoshimitsu of Tekken games. Certain rumours suggest that Yoshimitsu may indeed be a zombie due to his tendency to scream "Yahh" during fights.

• That Other Sword Guy does the same cool stuff, but may also be a homosexual. All we know is that he is young, and a son of someone.

• Voldo was made to appeal purely to the "pale Italian men in gimp gear" demographic that currently accounts for a whopping .00000000051% of the gaming population. Even they, however deviant, are at least thankful that Voldo gets a bikini wax before each chapter of the epic saga, according to Namco’s long lost SoulCalibur Apocrypha.In between SCIII and SCIV he wrote the children books where's Voldo which hit number 1 at postie +

Here, the Father of Our Country prepares to fight the British in a darling bustier and thigh-high boots.

• George Washington is a playable character, despite the fact he was not born for another 150 years, and alternates between being a respectable first president of the United States, and a leather-clad dominatrix with a nice rack. In SoulCalibur 3, he was replaced with Pat Benetar for licensing reasons.

• Cervantes (pronounced HIYAAAAA!!!! HYA, HYA, HIYAAAAAAA! HAHAHAHAHA!!) is a part-time pirate, a paper boy and the dad of the hottest she-man in the game. In the original game, he was just minding his own business being really really pissed off at the world and spending his time in isolation. His organization, ARRR (Ancient Reclusive Renegade Robbers) seeks equal rights in gaming for pirates, as their numbers are becoming rarer and rarer in video games due to a proliferation of ninjas. He hates Taki in particular, but always loses to her because he ends up staring at her hypnotic boobs. Cervantes wins against the ninjas anyway because he's a freakin undead pirate with two huge-ass swords! As a curious fact he started his life as a writer ("El ingenioso Hidalgo Don Quixote de la Mancha" is his masterpiece) and his first name was Miguel.

• Raphael is a flamboyant French born, Italian named, Spanish dancing, British pedophile raper...er, rapier-welder. He has proven to be extremely popular with players because every time another character comes near him, he uses his super-secret, game ending move in which he drops his sword, and starts flamenco dancing. Not only does this look pretty, it causes all of his opponents to instantly drop their weapons, stand there and clap whilst he walks up to them and stabs them in the face. he used to be gay, and when he became straight, he became a pedo, ahem, imean lolicon

• Tira is new to the game, introduced in SoulCalibur 3. Her weapon is a hula hoop. At one time, Tira was a famous gymnast bound for the Olympics, but when she found out the original Olympics stopped in 340 BC and would not start up again until the 1890’s, she decided to inflict pain on others instead, making her history’s first Tonya Harding. She now serves Nightmare as his personal sex slave.

Although it's not well known, Michael Jackson is indeed a secret character in SoulCalibur, as he's shown here, about to fight his former self.

• Yun-Seong is the great-great-great-great-great (Say "great" rapidly for 20 minutes) grandfather of Hwoarang. In fact, he's also an ancestor of Spongebob Squarepants and Timmy Turner. Timmy Turner is the wielder of the Soul Edge, while his illegitimate brother Danny Phantom owns the SoulCalibur . One day, he battles against Gizzardman. Sadly, he loses and Soul Edge is broken into pieces. After this his wife, Spongemary gave birth to Yun-Seong who became the father of Spongebob who then became the father of Hwoarang who Was the father of Dumbledore who had a friend named Robert Langdon who had a wife named Setsuka who also appeared in SoulCalibur 3 where she met her Son Gokou, her second wife who gave birth to George Washington who is also a SoulCalibur character.

• Seong Mi-na A man trapped in the body of a woman. She has a nasty habit of running away from weddings, destroying the hopes of many young, horny men, although Mother Nature always sends a warrior to beat her badly and send her home packing. One day, she attacks a perverted old man soon after losing a fight and gets spanked on his knee, again. Since she enjoys that, she decideds to take daily lessons and daily spanking sessions from this pervert. How this is different from her staying at home with her Dad is beyond me. Fights with a big-ass spear. Also, is one of the only characters that You can see wearing panties. Currently: Sailor Venus. Also the love intrest of the legendary-uber-epic Dark Knight follower of Nightmare, Nathiel. They both have steamy sex ^-^ or so he dreams ;_; couse cannonicaly he hasn't met her because he is stuck with bi-polar bitch Tira and "I am just waiting for your soul to rippen in order to take it." Nightmare.

• Sophitia, a follower of Jihad,ahem I mean Hephestius, whom she calls "Hephi". Hephi was peeking at her bathing when she caught him - so Hephi pretended to be really serious and sent her to fight and vanquished Cervantes. She began her quest by going shopping for some nice clothes. She bought a special skirt that inflates like a parachute everytime she jumps. When she met Cervantes, she said to him: "I'm sorryyyyy!!" just before she knee-kicked him in the nuts. This made one of the Soul Edges LOL and that really pissed off Cervantes who shattered the sword. Sophitia said "I'm sorryyyyyy!!!" again....and then she kicked him in the nuts again! Later on, Tira abducted her children. She didn't even say "I'm sorryyyyy!!". Sophitia decided to follow Tira and make her say it.

• Cassandra, younger sister of Sophitia who is only on the quest because Sophitia's mom told her to,she uses her ass to kill you. Like all younger sisters, she is extremely annoying. She uses her shield to attack and her sword to reflect light in peoples eyes! She steps on their toes and flights in phalanx formation...solo!!! Still in the 16th century and she already has a Twitter account and wants to vote for Obama!
• Mitsurugi (pronounced "Awesome samurai with a katana that can open a can of whoop ass on you that you know has to appear in every single game in the world just because samurais are cool and only lose to ninjas cause they are assholes with no life and godspeed and other powers.) is the purpose of the existence of SoulCalibur. He is a samurai. Nevermind the fact that he is really Latino, not Japanese. A samurai was a Japanese version of a knight. A knight rode on a horse and a horse has a saddle. A saddle is a weapon used by samurai warriors during the 16th century. One of these samurai was Mitsurugi. After failing to acquire the Soul Edge on multiple occasions due to an endless parade of effeminate men and teenage girls who somehow outclassed him, he became a prosecutor, thus dooming his soul to a hell more furious than the Soul Edge ever would have. Mitsurugi is a staunch opponent of the NRA and believes that guns should be banned.

• Nightmare a badass mother fucker with a fuckin bigass sword with a giant eye, the Antagonist of the series and the twin brother of Siegfried. during the events inbetween SC2 and SC3 Nightmare had become emo with the separation from Siegfried. Nightmare became so Emotional that for four years he went on a killing spree in Europe in atemped to find Siegfried and reunite with him. Unfortunately, he found Ronnie Everett instead and he teamed up with him after September 11th, 2001. He lost his giant blade and used a plastic version of it in Mortal Kombat (in which he kicked his secret brother's ass) ...ahem...I mean Sould Calibur 3. well, he will be looking foreward to kick his good brother's ass again.

• Siegfried (pronounced "Sick Freak" or "Cloud Strife-wanabe" for Europeans and Blacks) The protagonist of the series. Despite kicking Nightmare's, Raphael's, Cervantes' and just about every other character in the game's ass(es), he is never able to successfully destroy Soul Edge. This is obviously because every time he's about to destroy Soul Edge the horde of SoulCalibur fangirls maul him (Because he says one of his angsty lines) and he somehow screws up. Nice job, fucknut.Also, he lost all his fangirls after he is revealed to have a height of 4'9"

• Rock (Pronounced "Cocaine") Big guy who carries around a giant axe. He is the person who Astaroth is based off but somewhere, the guys making Astaroth went wrong and turned him into a giant red muscular dude. Anyway, Rock got his precious axe destroyed while fighting a lizardman. He adopted a Native American 13 year old boy for unknown resons but some people think he's actually a child molester. Rock is frequently seen with a tub of ice cream, which was finally explained in his SoulCalibur III ending sequence in which he makes a milkshake.

• Algol is many things. He is an old king, from a time so long ago that even History doesn't know about it. History's wife, Jane, does though, and that's how we know of Algol. Algol was the only one able to wield the evil Soul Blade without being turned into George Bush. Although he is ancient beyond measure, and was trapped in another dimension until now, Algol speaks absolutely perfect English and Japanese. He owns an iPhone and uses it to call in air support from the USS Algol, which he built before being trapped. Algol is searching for a worthy opponent to fight so that he can be resurrected. He has a Facebook page and likes to add "Friends" so he can tell them to come to his Tower if they want their asses whipped.

• Talim is a girl. Maybe. She is also the Priestess of the Wind from a South Pacific island. Unknown to her, she is no longer on her island. Yun-seong grabbed her while she was being tossed around by a light breeze and she clings to him for the rest of the game.

• Setsuka (Pronounced "Geisha Ho from the Blue Light District at K-Mart") Geisha from K-Mart who fights with an Umbrella with a blade hidden in its handle. She stole the idea from Mary Poppins and sliced her up into pieces because she's just that badass. Once was a prostitute named Anna Kournikova. And no, she's not Hone Onna. Was given blonde hair in SoulCalibur IV because the developers have no brain matter left. Did I mention she is one of the best characters because if you pay her, she will sleep with you? No? Well I just did.

• Amy (Pronounced "Raphael's Bitch") Possessed girl who doesn't say anything. She fights with some sort of weapon that nobody can pronounce. Once the student of Darth Sidious, she can kill you just by looking at her. Killed Shirley Templ] out of rage that she was bat-shit insane. It is believed she is a Pokemon because the only thing she can say is her own name.

• Zasalamel (Pronounced Sam Jackson) Token black man of the series. The last surviving original Egyptian, or not, since Old Egyptians were not black at all. More likely he's a Nubian with an enormous superiority complex. This superiority complex manifests itself as his BIG MUTHA FUCKIN SCYTHE. He was also was the original choice for the Assassin's Creed character but he insisted on carrying his scythe around, so the villagers knew who he was and chased him right out of the DVD. He is an aspiring rap artist who needs to become a freaky double mouth guy to sing those tough parts.

• Charade (Pronounced "Son Of Da Soul Swordz who acts like a fuckin' pussy!") A one-eyed faggot obsessed with raping everything in existence but has no dick or weapons, so he just cries and eats ice cream, he would if he could, but he doesn't have a mouth. Not only that but he begs his parents' Mama Calibur and Papa Edge to give him sum KANDY and KOOKIES. Ha! What a fuckin' pussy.

• Hilde (pronounced "Held slave") A biologically engineered clone of Joan of Arc. Whether her opponents like getting cut short or long, she will fuck them up. She currently has a grudge on the Middle East because their religious groups tried to possess her people with Islamic theories, in which her hometown detests so much, going back to the crusade wars. She hoped to find Osama Bin Laden and stab him in the heart. Recently, she has given up on this since the Dalai Lama informed her that Osama does not have a heart.

• Necrid Some big fat green blob who is universally hated by SoulCalibur fans. No one knows why. Some speculate that it's because he ate Yoda's mom and inherited some of her green-ness. He pulls weapons out of his ass, which is conveniently located on his stomach. Because of his grotesque nature he was chased out of the SoulCalibur world by a pitchfork wielding Astaroth, who felt that there was only one available spot on SC's roster for an big-ass ugly freak. Thankfully, Astaroth was successful in this pursuit and Necrid has not been seen since.

• Shehezerade She created the story of Aladdin. Unfortunately, she gets Amy's moveset. She leaves the forests because she can't fit through the doors of any of the Hobbit Houses. While on her quest to do something she defeated somebody. Yeah...

• Ashlotte She is a Barbie Lolita doll. She gets Astaroth's moveset. Asslotte Maedel was created by Dr Evil for use in his experiments. However she escaped and decided to be like the other humans. She encountered Talim, who defeated her. Ashlotte's story ends with her deactivating and reactivating, deactivating and reactivating, deactivating and reactivating, deactivating and reactivating, Blah, blah, blah, blah...BLAH.

• Al Gore Fear She is a part time stripper that came from another planet. Angol gets Seung Mina's moveset. She is not Algol, for those who were wondering. She had an encounter with some man, whom we know nothing about. Ivy went after her to kill her when she found out Angol tried to copy the "Bathing Suit" look. I hear she's good with a pole. (bow chika bowow)

• Shura She is a ghost woman from Japan who has a nice black thong. She gets Cervantes moveset. Shura wants to be the best killer in the world. She was once a spirit who roamed through out Japan, screaming like a banshee. She meets Algol, and they have hot makeout sex. Shura's story ends with her getting pregnant and having a baby. However, she kills the baby and everyone else in the hospital. She is now considered the most notorious serial killer in the state of New Jersey.

• Kamikirimusi She is a girl from Japan who wants some friends. Kamikirimusi gets Nightmare's moveset. She is one of the most confusing characters in the game. Gamers wonder why the hell she gets Nightmare's moveset. Nobody knows why though. Her story ends with her finding some friends and disappearing. I hear she ended up as a criminal on Unsolved Mysteries and America's Most Wanted though.

• Bauer A typical match while using Bauer or fighting against Bauer goes as follows: Bauer typically yelling, "Drop the damn weapon, put your hands on your head where I can see them!!!" Followed by by 7 to 15 gun shots (depending on the weapon the player has equipped Bauer with), at which point the match ends immediately with a victory credited towards America. The character Myers had to be removed because Bauer could not be restrained from shooting Myers at the character select screen.

• Lizardmen A group horrendous offspring of Buzz, Ty, and Kato... (even though in the game they say some crap that doesn't fit the actual facts). The most famous, Aeon Calcos, enjoys crack smoking as much as showing his cunnilingual abilities after he defeats a chick. He has never used underwear but for some reason the ESRB (and other important censorship agencies) haven't complained about it.

• Ty (Pronounced "Bad-Ass Kickboxer Who Is So Fuckin' Hott For Spriggangirl!") A typical fighter from some fuckin' video game where people beat DA SHIT OUTTA THEMSELVES and ended up in a sword-fighting game, along with his "buddies" Buzz and Kato, in order to get Spriggangirl and fuck her for putting them in SoulCalibur. WTF?!?! She did that?! Oh shit, Spriggangirl's gonna hand her ass out to them!!!

• Conan the Barbarian, Aragorn, Tarzan and Zorro Conan, Aragorn, Tarzan and Zorro were the most recent guest fighters shoe horned in from outside franchises for the console releases. The decision to use figures from early modern literature who beat bad dudes up brought the series a higher level of academic respect and artistic recognition than previous entries.

See also

• The Rock
• Guilty Gear