Anna Kournikova

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“Anna's heaving chest glistened with sweat. She was wet, like a kitten sitting in the rain. Through her white dress you could...”

~ Leo Tolstoy on Anna Kournikova

Kournikova relaxing at home, waiting for an interview with Robin Leach

Anna Kournikova (born 1981, in Russia) is a renowned hottie, world-famous tennis player and heroine of the novel of the same name by Leo Tolstoy. Anna probably can play tennis better than you or your sister.

Early life

Born in the small village of Shyeshot, near Moscow, the ridiculously good looking Kournikova attracted attention from a very young age. In the months after her birth, many local mothers attempted to swap their babies for young Anna, as their babies were so ugly in comparison. Upon the discovery of the obvious heists (as the abandoned babies were clearly not as cute or cuddly as little Anna), the mothers would often burst into tears and curse the faces of their ghastly offspring. Increased security meant that Anna was a lonely child. She was later bullied at school and called "prettyface".

Anna's parents later capitalised on their daughter's appearance by marketing her as a tourist attraction, a common practice in Russia. People came from as far afield as Moscow to ogle at the fabled beauty, who would stay in a glass room specially built for her and was periodically made to dance to Wham's Wake Me Up Before You Go Go. Her family made a lot of money from selling merchandise, including "I saw Anna dance and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" shirts and those little Russian dolls that open up and contain vodka inside.

Throughout her lonely teen years, Kournikova would keep herself occupied by playing tennis against a wall. At the time this would annoy her father, Sergei. "I very disappoint in my daughter," he said in his broken English (which was odd considering that it was his first language),

Kournikova exhibiting the wondrous natural gifts that made her such a popular athlete

"she could make us good money as prostitute, but all she want do is hit tennis ball". Ironically, this apparent fault would propel Kournikova to stardom. One day, the Kournikova beauty zoo had a famous visitor in Martina Navratilova. Navratilova suggested that Kournikova came back to Florida with her and attend Nick Bollettierri's tennis academy. Navratilova was shocked to later find out that Kournikova was a good tennis player.

Tennis career

Young Anna first made an impact on the women's tour in 1996. She performed admirably and impressed everybody who looked at her. She had some early success, but her inexperience was clear for all to see in her over-ambitious shots, nervous errors and habit of going to the back of the court whenever she had to bend over and tie her shoelaces.

By 1999, Kournikova's skills had truly blossomed. Her strong, yet gentle, play was a joy to watch and she soon penetrated the top 10, reaching a career high of 8 in 2000 (and you can't get much higher than that). This achievement was a testament to her remarkable consistency; always reaching the quarters or semi-finals of tournaments.

Unfortunately, years of arduous photoshoots caught up with Kournikova and she suffered a debilitating back injury in 2001. Being naturally supple, she would rarely warm up before posing on all fours, or leaning, back-arched, against a wall, or perhaps reclining on a sandy beach, the tide softly caressing her tiny feet as she gazes longingly into the camera, as if you and her are the only two people in the world. Kournikova fought on for two more years before retiring in 2003. Tragically cut down in her prime, the tennis world lost a spectacular talent that could have perhaps possibly dominated the sport for years to come.

She should have stretched first

Personal Life

Kournikova has been romantically linked with many men over the years.

Mark Philippoussis

Mark Philippoussis's pre-Aussie Open barbecues are the stuff of legend. Being a Greek-Australian, Philippoppusisis's events always feature lots of plate smashing, sweaty dancing and the marquee is never built in time. This is considered part of the charm. Anna Kournikova was a regular guest, but always kept to her group of friends. While Mark worked with Aussie mates Lleyton Hewitt and Patrick Rafter on emptying his lager cellar, Kournikova would always spend her time with Martina Hingis and Barbara Schett talking about shoes or something girly like that. This all changed in 1998, when Pete Sampras's gorillaesque physique scared Phipipolippoussis's pet dingo, Woofy, into running away.

Mark and Anna went searching for Woofy together and found him in an old abandoned mine shaft. Woofy then communicated to them through yelps that he hadn't been scared by Sampras's freakish body hair. His disappearance was actually a plot to get Kournikova and Phipilloussis alone together so that they'd realise that they were perfect for each other. He then scampered home.

When Kournikova and Phissipoullis emerged from the mine three hours later they left hand-in-hand, or rather arm-over-shoulder, as Anna had to support Mark's weight after he fell over in the mine and hurt his gimpy knee. At any rate, they were a couple, the hottest couple in tennis; far hotter than Sampras and his tyre. Unfortunately, Mark's injury led to Kournikova suffering sympathy pains, which meant she didn't win a tournament during this period. In a way it was a blessing that the relationship only lasted three months, at which point they realised that they were both fucking morons for allowing a stupid dog to dictate who they went out with.

Sergei Fedorov

Kournikova first noticed Russian ice hockey player Sergei Fedorov when she attended one of his hockey games and he accidentally hit her in the face with the puck. Fedorov caught up with her later and appologised for pucking her in the face and gave her his stick to make up for it, which he then signed. Feeling that she must reciprocate this gift, Anna gave him a pair of balls that happened to be in her handbag. They went off to dinner together. Although they planned to go as a pair, they met Fedorov's friend, Roger on the way and decided to go as a threesome. The encounter was widely reported in the tabloid press who employed much subtle innuendo.

Big-boobed Anna has a new breast mate

—Headline in The Sun

Within a month, the couple were married, but they quickly broke up when they realised that hockey and tennis were very different games and they only had pucking in common.

Never let go

Enrique Iglesias

During the summer of 2002, Anna repeatedly ran into Spanish singing sensation and professional Latin lover, Enrique Iglesias. Despite Anna rejecting his advances in a nightclub toilet and some random place that looked like a film set, Iglesias persisted and tracked her down on his scooter again and again. Unfortunately, the distractions of having a famous pop star stalking her prevented Kournikova from concentrating on her tennis and she therefore didn't win any tournaments during this period. Eventually, Kournikova relented and the two became a couple. Enrique's Iberian charm and texts of "Baby! Baby! Why no kissy kissy?" won the day. Anna could run, she could hide, but she couldn't escape his love.

The relationship progressed to the point where they bought a house together, overlooking the piss-soaked car park where they first did it. However, this step proved to be the downfall of the relationship, as they fell out over whether to sell pictures of the house to Ok! or Hello. Kournikova always thought Enrique's father, Julio, was sexier anyway.

Julio Iglesias

She killed him. The poor old guy's ticker never stood a chance.

The Novel

In 1999, Kournikova teamed up with Martina Hingis to compete in the women's doubles at The Australian Open. Few who witnessed their quarter final match could have realised the monumental impact that this event would have on the world of literature. Sitting utterly engrossed in front of his television screen in Russia was Leo Tolstoy. The climax, where all the players exchanged kisses at the net inspired the great author. One year later, Anna Kournikova, an epic tale of one woman's love affair with her doubles partner hit the shelves. In real life, Kournikova and Hingis lost in the final, but in the book the power of love drives the pair to victory. It is now considered to be the greatest work in the history of modern fan fiction.

The kiss that changed the world

Many short-sighted and often female critics panned the novel, calling it an exhibition of perversion in its most extreme form. Others even criticised Tolstoy's hundreds of hand-drawn illustrations, complaining that they were unnecessarily detailed and often had little to do with the plot. However these responses were in the minority. Jay Sherman, of the Times, was typical of the critical response.

In this work, Tolstoy transports you into another world, where tennis and sporting competitions become at one with love. This love enables Kournikova to overcome the restrictions of material things like serving and backhands and allows her to be fulfilled, both professionally and emotionally. An artist, like Tolstoy's, chief function is to infuse our lives with beauty. And there is nothing more beautiful than a pair of lesbians.

Despite the pressures of teaming with the world's best player, Anna Kournikova was very successful alongside Hingis and became doubles world no. 1. However, as a result of the increased focus on her doubles career following the book's release, Kournikova's singles game slipped and she didn't win a tournament during this period.

Media relations

Anna has excellent relations with the media. She always gives interviews to newspapers and magazines, whether they ask for them or not. Her website has the most popular image gallery on the internet and also features a profitable online shop selling, amongst other things, her own brand of tissues. She is due to release her autobiography next year, which is rumoured to be in pop-up form and has a foreword by Germaine Greer.

Many lonely men feel that they have had relations with Kournikova through the media. It must therefore be stressed that Kournikova does NOT have an account on Myspace and has never used the MSN username horny_blonde69.

Anna Kournikova's Titles

  • Whack! tennis magazine's hottest player, 1998-2000
  • Rear of the Year 1999
  • Tits of the Year 1999
  • Winner: 1995 Shyeshot village lookalike competition (as that tennis playing girl who doesn't wear any panties in that poster)
  • Sports bra salesperson of the year, 2000
  • Best Cameo in an Enrique Iglesias music video (2003 Oscars)
  • The Nivea Prize, recognising outstanding use of moisturiser
  • Ranked no.1 in The Sunday Times' list of "100 things to do before you die"

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