Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky
Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky (May 7, 1840 – November 6, 1893) was a Russian composer, dentist, and a woman trapped in a man's body. He had a beard and probably a first name as well. He composed six very serious symphonies which took him a lot of personal time and long-and-hard effort. Historians estimate that for every 12 bar phrase he composed he had to rub one off, (also known as "wank" to the British). However, the fact that he is mostly remembered for his stupid, childish nonsense-ballets really pisses him off.
Childhood and early manhood[edit]
Although he lived in St. Petersburg, Kentucky, Pyotr Tchaikovsky was born on April 25, 1840 (Julian calendar) or May 7 (Gregorian calendar) in Votkinsk, a small town in present-day Udmurtia (at the time the Vyatka Guberniya of Imperial Voyktag. not to be confused with Karkharvic Iysagv of Udnivgie). He was the son of a mining engineer in the government mines and the second of his three wives, Alexandra, Some french Prostitute that no one really gives a fuck about.
Musically precocious, Pyotr began piano lessons at age five with a local woman, Mariya Palchikova, and within three years he was the best piano student that Mariya ever had. Some historians attribute this event to Tchaikovsky sexuality (or lack there of). In 1850, his father was appointed director of the St Petersburg Technological Institute. There, the young Tchaikovsky obtained an education at the School of Jurisprudence. Though music was not considered a high priority on the curriculum. mostly the boys just ran around the gym and then took long showers under close supervision of the staff
Tchaikovsky as bureaucrat[edit]
Tchaikovsky's mother died of love in the time of cholera in 1854 (of syphilis). The 14-year-old Tchaikovsky took the news hard; for two years, he could not write about his loss. He reacted by turning to music. Within a month of her death, he was making his first serious efforts at composition, a waltz in her memory called 'Momma Bit The Big One'.
Tchaikovsky's father indulged his interest in music, funding studies with Rudolph Kündinger, a well-known piano teacher from Nuremberg, beginning in 1855. But when Tchaikovsky's father consulted Kündinger about prospects for a musical career for his son, Kündinger wrote that nothing suggested a potential composer or even a fine performer, as Tchaikovsky could not tell the difference between a piano and his own anus. Tchaikovsky was told to finish his course work, then try for a post in the public service.
Tchaikovsky graduated on May 25, 1859 with the rank of titular counselor, the lowest rung of the civil service ladder, just below swill tester. On June 15, he was appointed to the Ministry of Swill. Six months later the Ministry made him a junior assistant to his department and a senior assistant two months after that, where he remained.
In 1861, Tchaikovsky learned of music classes being held by the Russian Musical Society (RMS) by accident, when a string section fell on his head. According to Tchaikovsky's friend Nikolay Kashkin, Tchaikovsky enjoyed a friendly rivalry with a music-loving cousin, an officer in the Horse Grenadiers. This cousin boasted one day that he could make the transition from one key to any other in no more than three chords. Tchaikovsky took up this challenge and lost, then killed his cousin and ate him. This proved to be a turning point in his career, as critics decided to be nicer to him.
Tchaikovsky promptly began studies with Zaremba. The following year, when Zaremba joined the faculty of the new St Petersburg Conservatory, Tchaikovsky followed his teacher and enrolled, but still did not give up his post at the ministry, until his father consented to support him. From 1862 to 1865, Tchaikovsky studied harmony, counterpoint and fugue with Zaremba, and Modern Dance with a marimba.
After graduating, Tchaikovsky was approached by Anton Rubinstein's younger brother Nikolai to become professor of harmony, composition, and the history of music. Tchaikovsky gladly accepted the position, as his father had retired and lost his property, car keys, and the instructions for Tchaikovsky's frighteningly large ejaculation probe.
Music[edit]
Tchaikovsky composed eight symphonies, the sixth of which is the most famous nowadays. He also composed numerous orchestral overtures and fantasies, including the 1812 Overture. Composed in 1876, it was to be called the 1871 Overture (Supposedly commemorating the beginning of the Franco-Prussian War) but Tchaikovsky had forgotten what year it started in. Tchaikovsky loved this piece because he wrote an actual cannon into the score. The cannon was designed to fire into the audience near the end of the piece, causing bodies to fly all around the concert hall in a bloody mess. This pleased Tchaikovsky greatly.
Annoyingly, Tchaikovsky is now most famous for his idiotic ballets, set in environments where toys move on their own, mice form armies and a little girl is happy when she receives a nutcracker for Christmas. "I mean, who believes all that crud?" Tchaikovsky asked himself in a recent interview. "Especially the 'Sugar Plum Fairy' really makes me mad. What was I thinking when I wrote it?" whined the composer in agony.
However, the public still loves Tchaikovsky's rather stupid ballets, such as The Nutwhacker: In Which A Toy Becomes Human and Decides That Being a Toy is a Much Better Use of His Time, The Sleeping Beauteous Young Lady Who May Only Be Awakened by a Kiss, and Swan Lake III: Return of the Jedi.
Tchaikovsky, rather bitterly disillusioned with his career as a dentist, is also credited with inventing several extremely painful appliances and gadgets still used by dentists such as the Pain-O-Matic (usually disguised by another more technical sounding name) which accomplishes nothing, but convinces the patient that something must be being fixed by this ridiculous contraption.
Tchaikovsky was a paper eater and failed as a civil servant because he became so nervous so ate his first report. Fortunately, he was able to fall back on his second skill, writing music, which was often a troubling proposition as he could not write his music down on paper without eating it. Fortunately, musicians were able to whisk his music scores away from him often enough that his works were performed in public. Tchaikovsky will best be known as the Great Uncle (actually, with modesty, Good Uncle) to humor writer Leon Tchaikovsky who fortunately writes on the Internet and is often hospitalized for attempting to eat his computer.
Tchaikovsky wrote several works well known among the general classical public—Romeo and Juliet, the 1812 Overture and Marche Slave. These, along with two of his concertos and three of his latter symphonies, are probably his most familiar works, thanks in part to Tchaikovsky's considerable gift for melody, along with the emotional accessibility of his music.
Tchaikovsky is well known for his ballets, although it was only in his last years, with his last two ballets, that his contemporaries came to really appreciate his finer qualities as ballet music composer. His final ballet, The Nutcracker, has become among the most popular ballets performed, primarily around Christmas time. He also completed ten operas, although one of these is mostly lost and another exists in two significantly different versions. In the West his most famous operas are Eugene Onegin and The Queen of Spades.
Tchaikovsky's earlier symphonies are optimistic works of nationalistic character. The later symphonies are more intensely dramatic, with the Fourth a breakthrough work; there Tchaikovsky found the symphonic method that matched his temperament to his talents. The most famous of these, the Sixth, is especially interpreted by many as a declaration of despair. These two symphonies, along with the Fifth, are recognized as highly original examples of symphonic form and are frequently performed.
In the ten years between the Fourth and Fifth Symphonies, Tchaikovsky also wrote four orchestral suites. He originally intended to designate the Third Suite a symphony - but, as he told Taneyev, "... the title is of no importance". Tchaikovsky used the suites to experiment with new instrumental combinations.
Among Tchaikovsky's concertos, his First Piano Concerto is now the best known and among the most frequently played piano concerti. It is also known by the name "Death Concerto" because of the crazy strength and unhuman handspan needed to play the piece, that often kills people who foolishly attempt to play it. Other nicknames include "Tendonitis Concerto" and "The Famous One". However, somehow the piece became uber famous nonetheless. The same holds true for his Violin Concerto, but he wrote two other works for piano and orchestra which nobody cares about and left another unfinished at his death, which doesn't even matter since he never finished it. In addition, Tchaikovsky composed two concertante works for cello and orchestra — the Variations on a Rococo theme and Pezzo capriccioso.
Fame[edit]
Tchaikovsky had over a million subscribers on Youtube, approximately 400 Facebook friends and almost as many Twitter followers as Stephen Fry, his homosexual arch-nemesis. This rivalry began when they had a Piano Duel over who wanked over Wagner the most. Fry forgot that Piano playing was one of the few areas where he was mediocre, thus Tchaikovsky was victorious.
However, the talented Tchaikovsky was not without his share of haters. On October 24th, 1892, some jealous guy from the United States posted this article on /b/:
"Of the Fifth Tchaikovsky Symphony one hardly knows what to say ... In the Finale we have all the untamed fury of the Cossack, whetting itself for deeds of atrocity, against all the sterility of the Russian steppes. The furious peroration sounds like nothing so much as a horde of Newfags struggling in a torrent of porn, the music growing drunker and drunker. Pandemonium, delirium tremens, raving, and above all, noise worse confounded!"
Nonetheless, Tchaikovsky's international popularity was a big leap for Russia, as people thought that Russia consisted of rabid gingers travelling far distances to assert their authority and shag women. Tchaikovsky did neither, and had perpetually grey hair unless it was photoshopped by an artist, so it was later confirmed that these were infact the acts of the Danish/Scandinavians.
The Five[edit]
If one imagined Russia as a playground, The Five aka The Mighty Handful would be the gang of bullies who thought they were spectacular and traveled around in groups. Tchaikovsky's affiliation with The Five was not a kind one; they would regularly attend his concerts and refuse to head bang and would shout "get your tits out" at the harp players. Because Stalin wasn't around to kick some ass, Tchaikovsky could do nothing. The Five were all Sith lords with lightning powers and Tchaikovsky was a mere padwan with some shitty blue light saber.
In the end, Tchaikovsky had to stop responding to their hurtful Youtube comments and hate mail and decided to grow a beard in order join the darkside. As there was an obvious paradox in the naming of the group, they took advantage of their new homosexual edition and became known as The Village People. The band sold a few Number Ones, became coke-addicts and got laid.
The musical association was short lived as Mikhail Glinka soon appeared to Tchaikovsky as a Jedi Master Angel Thingy and advised him to stop taking drugs and quit the band. Even though nobody has ever heard of Glinka or can name any of his music, he is classified as a Great Composer, thus your argument is invalid.
Death[edit]
Unlike most people born in the 1800's, Tchaikovsky is still alive, trapped in a time stasis bubble. He also lives in his music and our hearts and all that other gay crap that no one realy takes seriously(like grammer). While the town veterinarian responsible for his autopsy declared his cause of death was cholera, historical evidence now shows that he died almost certainly from Tchaikovsky Syndrome in B Minor, but was resuscitated by a magical catamite sent by Jesus. He then moved to Krypton, where he fell afoul of local noise pollution regulations.
Form[edit]
Fortunately for hungover music students, Tchaikovsky used the same formula for all his major works. This involves playing a simple tune plagiarised from a peasant, then playing it again with stupid twiddly bits on the violins, then again VERY LOUD in case anybody had fallen asleep at the back. He then does exactly the same thing with another tune, before repeating the first one again. Four lots of the above equals a symphony. Later on, he attempted to disguise this by simply having the same tune in all four movements, like in the Fifth. The Sixth Symphony is called the Pathetic, which pretty much tells you all you need to know, because his brother called it that to his face (he agreed). However, because Tchaikovsky is a Great Composer nobody will dare to mention this anywhere.
Trombonists in particular find Tchaikovsky's music highly annoying to play, as his shining talent for orchestration means he insists on using every instrument in the orchestra, even in quiet passages, thus preventing them from nipping out to the bar during the slow movements.
Incantations[edit]
Tchaikovsky was also a part of the internationally feared composing monster known only as Tchaikostakovichaninoff. He ravaged countries with his heavily romantic symphonies, which usually feature violins playing in octaves, cellos playing pizzicato until their fingers bleed, actual parts for bass and tuba, dissonance that could make a tritone sound like a perfect fifth and brass parts that make people to defecate upon listening to them. The monster attacked Hiroshima and Nagasaki at the height of World War II and was also the real reason for global warming and the crisis in Darfur. Some also speculate that it was the cause behind such disasters as the Hindenburg incident, the sinking of the titanic, as well as the reason George W. Bush was allowed into office in 2000. His evil has no end on this earth. His main opponent was Van Bachändelthoven, the German bastard who wrote 50 minute piano sonatas that repeated the same 8 measures over 500 times at the least and followed natural succession until listeners decided to gouge their eyes out with rusty utensils. They would also often have the ending cadence of the chords ii6 V I7add4dim9sus1200, a chord as monstrous as the trio itself, as well as the one and only chord John Petrucci of Dream Theater has been known to play in his entire lifetime.
John Petrucci also based the song "The Dark Eternal Night" off of this beast. The two beasts had fights quite often. It turned out that neither the Russians or Germans prevailed; the American composers beat them all. Tchaikostakovichaninoff currently resides in St. Petersburg, Russia and occasionally pursues hobbies such as German-bashing, hiking, ravaging cities, breathing fire, and ping pong.
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