Alexander Glazunov
“Regardless of what you will be speaking of in regards to myself, one character trait will always be used of me: I am prodigious.”
“Confound this man! If I had met someone with half as much sanity, I would have taken him to be a fraud! But NO! We have this monster instead!”
“Who?”
Alexander Konstantinovich Glazunov AKA "Sasha" (August 10, 1865 - March 21, 1936) was a Drunk Russian Composer, Astrologer, professional smiler, and internet meme sensation. He was the record holder of so many pointless but unreprehensible records that he had his own spot in the Guinnessovsky Book of Russian Records before its censure in the USSR in 1936. His unusual inhuman capabilities made him something of a 2nd Messiah for his many stalwart followers, which includes a grand total of 3: Rimsky-Korsakov his master, his mom, and his cat named Captain Morgan.
Early Life[edit]
Young Sasha was a sensitive and traumatized child despite his spoiled bourgeoisie upbringing in the immaculate and hyper-sexualized city-scene of St. Petersburg. He had Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder for all of his life because of his inordinate memory-retention that forced him to have memories dating back to going through his mother's birth canal. The only way he was able to handle having seen his mother in this way was to hide it and pretend it hadn't happened, although he was diagnosed with an extreme case of Oedipus Complex later in life due to suppression of the memories. Otherwise, he was known to be the sanest of all the Russian composers.
Sasha was really clever with machinery and built a pod racer at the age of 13, winning the St. Petersburg wagon race. Balakirev was so impressed with his hobbit-like resilience and god-like memory that upon being shot in a duel over who would claim Sasha's soul, whispered his dying words into Rimsky-Korsakov's ears, "Train the boy." Rimsky-Korsakov thus took up the helm to train Sasha Glazunov in the dark arts of Cosmosition and Musicology. By 16, he wrote his first Symphony which bewitched a poor (but actually rich) and witless witness of its premiere into being Sasha's (and Rimsky-Korsakov's) patron. Together along with other sorcerers and mafia members created an elite class of musical people known as the Steam Team.
Unenlightenment[edit]
Glazunov was such a great composer that he started priding himself in the fact that he could write music without the use of magic, much to his master's dismay. By the time he had matured in style, Glazunov was writing the most un-magical works this side of Russia ever had seen. "You were the Chosen One!" Rimsky-Korsakov once burst out in tears at hearing Sasha's tone poem about the rational nature of Dihydrogen-Monoxide. However, Rimsky-Korsakov was stunned to find himself still liking the music as light-shows anyhow due to his synesthesia. It pleased atheists and rationalists such as Tchaikovsky and Taneyev who refused to accept RK's pagan practices. However, the main impetus for his inspiration had to do with his awfully quaint and quiet life intermingled with PTSD, and hence creations such as his Symphonies and Ballets were his most profound and enigmatic compositions. Freud hoped to analyze his music for Oedipal innuendos, however he always came up dry to his dismay. "Who would have thought such a troubled man could have made such untroubled music? I'd prefer to stare at a gray brick wall for 30 minutes than to hear another note from this man!" Freud said. Freud still didn't believe in the Dunning-Kruger effect at the time.
Glazunov was reported to have said "I won't marry because I'm a Leo!" Astrology was his preferred method for defining his life rather than magic, and so he neither married nor finished his 9th symphony for fear of Curse of the 9th. He often got incredibly physically ill after staying out all night to look at the stars, but he often excused his illness for being out in the cold too much. His music was very rational on the grounds that "I came from a good upbringing, therefore my music is sane by causation rather than choice." It was considered the most fatalistically inane thing he ever said.
The Dumbledore Years[edit]
Glazunov, still dealing with his PTSD, managed to somehow hold down a job in 1899 at the St. Hogwarts Conservatory of Arts and Scientology. He in turn became the best Dumbledore the school ever had seen in 1905, helping young musicians be their very best while not stressing the importance of magic too much. The name of the school later dropped the "Scientology" part and turned fully rational and empirical when the USSR took over Russia in 1917 much to Glazunov's delight although he was Epicurian rather than Communist. It was a good thing Rimsky-Korsakov was dead by then, or he would have been burned at the stake.
Sasha often had the students on his side, but often got into duels regarding superiority with some of the more crafty ones, such as Prokofiev aka Draco Malfoyovich in his Blonde Pride Gang. Glazunov lost in a deaf contest to see who could hold out listening to 120 decibels of an Augmented Chord the longest. Prokofiev also won the Conservatory Concerto Competition at Glazunov's dismay, but he won 45 rubles on a bet that Prokofiev would lose the game of chess played in a backroom while the Competition's results were being tallied. When they had a name-calling duel, however, Glazunov won by consolation in calling Prokofiev "The Ugly Duckling," narrowly winning in a popularity poll over Prokofiev's best name "Fat Shurenka." Stravinsky was a distant third (interjecting himself into the duel unnecessarily) with "C.P.E. Rimsky-Korsakov" because it wasn't offensive enough.
Glazunov's most famous student of the Dumbledore days was Dmitri Shostakovich, who he liked to call Harry on occasion. They developed a close friendship and even gave him his magic wand for keep's sake, which was actually a baton though Dmitri thought Mr. Glazunov was still a wizard at the time. It is rumored that Shostakovich developed 2nd-hand PTSD from their friendship after being induced into a drunken stupor by Sasha and being forced to listen to a lecture on deferential fugations for 4 hours. Shostakovich also fell on the ground and hit his head during a duel because he was using Glazunov's fake magic wand, producing a jagged scar on his forehead and nearly dying from loss of blood. This led to Glazunov being sued with a 3000 ruble constructive surgery lawsuit. As compensation, Glazunov managed to get some free alcohol from Shostakovich's father's ghost. JK Trolling later heard about this story and was inspired to make a story about "the boy who lived."
Conspiracy Theory[edit]
As soon as everyone realized that they had been duped into thinking that Sasha was a wizard, a great conspiracy went out against him, conspired by the best minds of the 20th Century, including Igor Stravinsky "Kaschei the Immortal", Sigmund Freud, and Walt Disney. Although he actually was not an alcoholic, they started spreading rumors that he had always been the most depraved of the Russian composers. They also spread the lie that he was not actually very brilliant and that his Russian records were false. Falling into a depression during his headmaster years, he became what everyone had falsely accused him of in the first place, thus proving that he had the gift of Self-Prophecy, and thus he became the most dreaded alcoholic Russian Music ever knew. Rumor's about Sasha's failure premiere of the First Symphony "The 10 Plagues of Egypt" by Rachmaninoff came to blame its failure on his alcoholism, when what really happened was his magic wand failed him during the performance and since he didn't know squat about actual conducting, ruined the performance. For such reprehensible acts, he lost all his prestige compared to his contemporaries and even his students, and yet maintained high spirits for absolutely no reason.
Internet Meme Sensation[edit]
While the conspiracy was rampant, a photo from his earlier days was unearthed wherein it contained one of his only pictures of him not smiling. He had been known to be the most up-beat and happy of all the Russian composers, having won numerous awards for his joviality. The picture was uploaded to the internet as a joke, and although an infinitesimally small number of people saw it there, it spread by word of mouth, and with the adding of text, became what is known today as the "Grumpy Composer" meme. It helped spread the idea that he was a gloomy, cantankerous fellow, and he immediately dropped in the polls for presidency of the Russian Hoot Society. Having lost that election, Sasha decided it was best that he leave the country, or there may be an assassination attempt on him for various reasons. Up until then, lived with his mother all his life until she could bear it no more and keeled over herself, thus freeing him from self-imposed moral obligation.
Death[edit]
Glazunov's last years included living in a Freudian asylum where he had continual relapses into wanting to sleep with his buried mother (who had died some years before but was buried in Russia). He died abroad from the USSR in France, due to exposure to quarter tone music at the age of 70, although his brain was actually 90 at the time. He may or may not have had a real wife, or he may have had a marriage license to music itself. He was buried in an unmarked grave, and was later exhumed by Igor Stravinsky (who knew where the grave was because he secretly went to his funeral) to be made into a bone chair for his Conservative Victims collection. That chair exists today at Ripley's Believe-it-or-Not! Museum in Atlantic City, NJ.
Guinessovsky Book of Russian Records[edit]
Before its censure in 1936 for its lack of inauthenticity, Glazunov held the following records in Russia:
1. Composer to have the oldest brain for someone his age (clinically proven to be 20 years older than himself)
2. Biggest Russian composer (who maintained same opus-to-metric-weight proportion his whole life)
3. Longest single smile - 45 minutes while listening to his own tone poem "Rainbows and Butterflies"
4. Longest consistently good mood - 1897-1904 (7 years)
5. Longest bout of not drinking - 16 hours
6. Longest bout OF drinking (narrowly beating Mussorgsky) - 6.9 days (that .1 was when he had to go to church on insistence of his mother)
7. Only composer to memorize the dictionary (succeeded while doing as a hobby)
8. The only Russian Composer to reach a 9th symphony (before 1936)
9. The only Russian Composer to not complete a 9th symphony
10. The only composer to make his entire audience fall asleep (The premiere of his 2nd symphony "To the Memory of Lists")
11. The only composer to drive a whole audience insane (The premiere of his 5th Symphony "The Sane") - Record held up until 1913 with Stravinsky's Riot of Spring, but the Russian government declared that work non-Russian, and so Glazunov regained his record
12. Owner of the most "Absolut" serious composer cat - Captain Morgan
13. Numerous other extraneous awards such as "People's Fartist of the Republic" "Eagle Scout" and "Voted most likely to use puns when puns are least necessary"
Compositions[edit]
8 and a quarter Symphonies
Raymonda - It would have been Tchaikovsky's worst ballet, but ended up being Glazunov's best by default
The Seasons - Premiered on Dec. 21 1899, and ended Dec. 20, 1900
Rainbows and Unicorns - A lovely piece that has no trauma or conflict whatsoever, and put his audience in rapturous sleep
Violence Concerto - He called it this in order to drive his audience mad with the expectation of violence, and yet violence never happens
Dissonance Suite - Each movement has only one dissonance. Like playing "Where's Waldo" the audience has to catch it or else they will fall asleep from dullness
Saxophone Concerto - Glazunov's only attempt at free-form jazz
Numerous other lovely pieces of music that Walt Disney (unsurprisingly) refused to use in his animated film "Fantasia" because they were too overtly statements of flowers and butterflies, when he'd much rather misconstrue the Riot of Spring to be associated with Dinosaurs rather than people dancing.
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