|I ♥ Сталингра́д
Hero Gas Station Attendant Monument with the Tomb of the Unknown Kebab Seller in the background.
Peoria, Illinois (to 1844), Tsar Tsity (to 1925), Stalingrad (to 1961), (now Volgograd)
|Deep in the heart of Dixie
|147th (8th coldest)
|1589, on a Tuesday
|Icicles, Popsicles, Volvos
Stalingrad (other wise known as the place Stalin graduated from being a monkey) is a religious holy site dedicated to those who worship the holy can of Pepsi. Stalin was the orignal Pepsian who founded the holy city by drinking 45700 cans of Pepsi and building the city while on his sugar highs. During the third holy pilgrimage to the holy city, Stalingrad was attacked by the demons known as the Jews who stole every single last bit of currency that was contained in the city. The head jew, Jewbacca led this seemingly unstoppable army, but was soon thwarted by Stalin's power of communism which defied all the Jews capitalist ways. After the war the city was in ruins so Stalin had to enlist the aid of Microsoft. Many industries were established, including shipbuilding, oil refining and the creation of torture devices such as karaoke machines. Stalin soon became corrupted by the evil corporation. Together they helped set up the evil train system of death, the European route E40 which ran through the city. It was used to run Stalin's death train which contained all manner of creatures including Harry Potter, Sonic the Hedgehog and chavs. After people became fed up with Stalin's evil rule of tyrranny, a weedy scientist named Volgin, with the help of the über hardcore and über butch Solid Snake infiltrated Stalin's death train where Harry Potter, Sonic the Hedgehog and the chavs were defeated. During the final battle, Stalin activated his ultimate weapon, the mobile suit known as the Barny Suit. Snake was thrown oft the train, leaving Volgin to use an enormous rocket launcher that he could barely lift to destroy the weapon and thereby defeat Stalin.
The city then became renamed as Volograd after their leader. Communism became a thing of the past and everyone converted from the religion of Pepsi to Final Fantasy. Later several universities were set up in Volgograd including the medical institute where the OOmpa Loompah is located. Modern day Volograd is filled with the weapons known as Metal Gear and is a dictatorship run by Knuckles the Echidna. It has many dealings with Black Santa.
People soon began to feast off the flesh of others when the evil Umbrella corporation began to cure the disease of being a dirty slav. Soon there were armies upon armies of shit eating slavs that began to infest the rest of Europe in order to get the Polish scum out of Europe so they could steal jobs in Britian.
Archlord Gordon Brown did not appreciate this, so he sent his politicians to throw cups of Earl Grey at Knuckles the echidna.
Obesity soon became a problem in Volgograd as people were scared to leave their homes and thus sat in front of the computer playing hours upon hours of world of warcraft.
Famous bullstankey stank that happened here
Yeah, there was a big ass battle back in the day. Joey and Addie used to be friends, and then Addie attacked because he needed elbow room and figured, "Fuck the Jews, I'm cramped now!" Well, unfortunately for Russkie land, there were a hell of a lotta Jews just ripe for the plunderin'.
Stalingrad ended up being the Alamo of the Ost, and forever and ever amen afterward, the Russians would charge into battle screaming, "Remember Stalingrad! Vive la Libertie! Powair to ze People! YEEEEEEHAAAAAAA!!!!"
No one knows who farted first, but both sides overheard this moments before Clint Eastwood stomped Danny DeVito into forty gold coins: "Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!"
That's when the shit hit the fan, as John Milton would say.
Well, the Russkies drank water, coffee, Pepsi, Diet Coke and Mentos, watermelon, and snow, and when the Germans showed up, there was one HELL of a modern pissin' contest. The whole damned city erupted in artillery avalanches, empanadas, jousting contests, impromptu oom pah pahs, and the Russkies had to fight the Germans slap for slap in every ruin, every house, every factory, basement and staircase. The sewers became labyrinthine piefights. Snipers and werewolves prowled the catacombs and frigid moonscapes of the bombed out apartment and commercial blocks, and there were
Tommyknockers, Tommyknockers knockin at the doors. Nipple nibblers, nipple nibblers bangin on the tanks. Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris went stompin in the forests, and they all went to Heaven on a billy goat.
They fought in the cole slaw. They fought in the potato salad. They fought in the sweetbreads and in the butter. They fought in the hushpuppies. They never surrendered. Hannibal Lecter and King Leonidas handled the catering. Belching, screaming, hysterical laughter echoing throughout the nights.
Vassily Zaitsev got wind of a particularly adroit Jerry sniper hiding in the factory ruins and sent his bunny brigade out into the city to hunt him down. He succeeded in killing the Jerry sniper.
The Germans took the bridge. And the second hall. The Russkies barred the gate, but could not hold them for long. Drums. Drums in the deep. The Germans were coming.
The fight resulted in the deaths by acute overconsumption of oysters (cholesterol) of every single combatant of both sides, until Ivan Drago and Rocky Balboa rose out of the rubble. They still had perfect hair. They roared oaths in backward Yiddish and shot each other.
That's what Uncle Remus say.
Modern Volgograd is still an important industrial city. Its industries include dildo making, prostitute refining, steel and aluminium production, manufacture of machinery and vehicles (such as Metal Gears), and chemical production (viagra). A large hydroelectric power plant stands a short distance to the north of Volgograd to power the leader's reinforced castle of doom.
In Soviet Russia, car drives you.
Educational institutions include Volgograd State University, Volgograd State Technical University (former Volgograd Polytechnical University), Volgograd State Medical University, Volgograd Academy of State Service, Volgograd Academy of Industry, and Volgograd State Pedagogical University. All of these require the GCE equivalent of Us to participate any of there courses as they are all full of shit.
As of 2006, Volgograd had 17 sister cities:
- Baghdad, Iraq
- Twighlight town
- croat land
- Gotham City
- Mexico City
- Somewhere in East Turkey
- The land of many Soviet hats