Gulag
A Gulag is a Russian stew that was forced onto the population of Russia by Marie Antoinette and Josef Stalin. Famous for its thick texture and ability to maintain malnourished political dissidents it nonetheless tastes phenomenally bad and is therefore unpopular outside prison facilities and Hungary.
A Brief History of Soviet Stew[edit]
Stew was hated in Russia before the Soviet Union but following the Revolution became much sought after due to the fact it was food and therefore rare in early Soviet Russia. Cunningly Lenin saw stew as an opportunity to stop people complaining about the overall shittiness of soup and yet still to cheat them out of a good piece of solid meat and therefore promoted stew. Josef Stalin loved stew more than most human beings and is the inventor of Gulag. Stalin found stew nourishing but also it would clean his moustache with its soupy nature. Him and Hitler often had competitions to see who could down the most of an evening although Hitler would get very gassy and usually bring it up again, these sessions led to the Nazi-Soviet Pact. Stalin also had a natural advantage in the well known fact that he had no tastebuds.
Creation of the Gulag[edit]
He thus created the Gulag in order to provide a great socialist meal for his workers. However the ingredients were somewhat unusual and because Stalin was also a serious heroin addict, often dangerous. Stalin included gooch juice, chimney sweep intestines and under arm hair in the Gulag, this was to lead to dire consequences later in the Soviet Union but also eventually a purpose. He introduced Gulag to a dinner party in early 1928 which went a little like this:
Stalin: Please come in sit down, shalom my friends
(Enter Marie Antoinette, Chairman Mao (in his beach shorts as this was a brief holiday), Darth Vader and Gok Wan)
Gok Wan: Oooh Mao I love your new look the dressed down you really brings out your great legs and Darth always looking good in classic black. Marie you look like a puff pastry girlfriend.
Marie Antoinette: (speaking in her gruff northern accent) Shut your pie hole you ruddy great pouffe.
Stalin: Please, please friends as a man of peace I ask you to stop because I have made a new dish for you to try!
(Enter Gulag, Stalin creams himself a little with excitement, the entrepid friends tuck in)
Vader: Sweet holy rings of Coruscant this tastes like Bantha vag!
Stalin: Well that's hardly the way to treat a host sir.
Mao: Be fair it no taste nice.
Stalin: Hahaha Mao I love it when you do your ridiculous racist caricatures.
Mao: Nigga please.
Stalin: Stop your killing me.
Gok Wan: Personally Stalin this lacks style and flair, I think it needs a makeover
(Stalin shoots Gok Wan point blank in the face, everyone cheers his demise)
Stalin: (Sigh) With the country in famine I thought it was my duty to do all I could to help my people as it is in my generous, fun loving and forgiving persona to do so.
Marie Antoinette: Let them eat Cake. (stuffs a maccaroon in her mouth)
Mao: Bitch, there ain't no mothafucking cake.
Darth: I may have a use for this concoction.
Stalin: Really?
Darth: Yes...
Stalin: Well we are all waiting you fucking moron tell us what it is!
Darth: Sorry voice generator cut out, I got fixed by some dirty fucking scouser and clearly he did a proper shit job, pikey cunt, anyway I think I can use this as a cheap way to feed the prison planet of Kragnar VII ... and as an industrial adhesive.
Stalin: Brilliant my genius is not wasted
They then presented a cash prize as they were filming Celebrity Come Dine With Me and Chairman Mao won the £500 cash prize which he then spent on a brand new pair of Rhinestone shorts bought from Neil Diamond.
The Gulag in action[edit]
Stalin was thus able to feed and provide for all 762 million people in the Soviet Goulash system using only a few simple ingredients. Interestingly it was found to be particularly nutritious for dissident writers who used its hideous taste to fuel the anguish of their superb writings. Not only this but the Gulag was used much like hummus as a grouting and cementing mixture and the Kremlin is still held together with this potent mixture. Furthermore the Death Star was almost entirely constructed using gulag unfortunately they ran out for a tiny section thus allowing the rebels to destroy the Death Star. Unfortunately for the Soviet Union the reliance on gulag resulted in the stagnation of the Soviet Union economy whilst at the same time keeping its political dissidents alive thus leading to the fall of the Soviet Union. On a plus side however gulag is a fabulous aphrodisiac although ironically it causes one to smell of rotting kelp and therefore no one would want to sleep with you in any case. Gulag remains the mainstay of the Russian economy exported widely to put airfix models together and as landfill. There remain some fans however such as chef Gordon Ramsay however it melted his face into the unshapely mess it is nowadays, exactly the same thing also happened to restaurant critic Michael Winner, although he was fugly already and few noticed the change.
