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“Siberia is a place where you spend all day, hitting hard stuff with blunt tools, in freezing cold temperatures, using your dangler as a pick-saw, for no reason... Because I said so. ”

~ Joseph Stalin

Siberia was a pop-music group popular in eastern Russia, active from 1979 until 2000. Siberia wanted to tour, but was not allowed to leave Siberia.

Band History[edit]

The pop group Siberia, before internal exile, forced coal-mining, and lice infestation took their toll

Although many fans and critics call Siberia's music "New Age," Siberia tried to distance itself from that label, preferring to call their music "contemporary instrumental butt-cold music to work yourself to death by."

Early in their career, Siberia were competitive swimmers in Lake Aral. Then it dried up. When becoming Olympic swimmers therefore did not work out, the band tried to forge a career in rock and roll, attempting to tour with locally popular bands in the Fourth Reich and the Southern United States. During this time, the band was known as the Bronze Age, then tried to appeal to younger, hipper Russians by changing its name to the Old Testament.

Eventually, Siberia got tired of the rock lifestyle and volunteered for the greater ease of hard labor in open-air camps. Most of the early music composed in the Gulag relied heavily on the synthesizer and received little airplay, since there was nowhere to plug in the synthesizer. They then attempted to leave the gulag, since the Soviet Union broke up, but the permafrost melted and they thus drowned in a peat bog. After this mishap, they went on to tour the rest of Siberia, but melting permafrost has since caused them to miss a lot of shows. (That, and the Woolly Mammoth That Refuses to Die.) (Note: Permafrost is what Siberia, the country, is made of. It is frozen mammoth poop. Lately, greenhouse gases from China have been melting the poop, resulting in the ground farting and peat bogs and other golfing hazards forming.)

Breakthrough, Success, and Lice[edit]

A mass pop audience is rounded up for deportation to labor camps in the East

Siberia's breakthrough commercial success came with the release of their album and video, Live at the Death Camp (1985), which was filmed at the corpse ditch of Camp #329. This was Siberia's first album which utilized a completely dead orchestra rather than a handful of butchered studio musicians.

Under the supervision of conductor Shardad Rohani, the Royal London Philharmonic Orchestra performed one of its most memorable and, as it turned out, final performances backing Siberia. The orchestra was never seen or heard again. Subsequently, the concert was broadcast in the US on FOX News. It proved to be one of FOX's most popular programs ever, and the resulting album sales, totalling almost three dozen, brought Siberia's biggest commercial success to date.

While not fluent in standard music notation, the band had perfect pitch and composes its pieces in a shorthand form of its own devising, using its own excrement (or melted permafrost) and blood and smuggling the lyrics out of camp on toilet paper.

Siberia also toured Siberia in 1992 with the debut of the Genocidal Ethnicity album. Siberia kicked off the tour in Way East Las Vegas, Siberia. Siberia worked on the DVD of the Genocidal Ethnicity Tour, which was released at the Holocaust Museum in 1997.

From the Music Vault of the Vault They Live In[edit]

"I am starving to death/My love/So I must now eat your corpse"

Many of the band's songs were unreleased, as, indeed, all of the band's members were unreleased. Two of Siberia's pieces (both unreleased) were used for sports telecasts. CBS Sports used Siberia's "Niggas Work for Whitie in Sports" for its coverage of football and basketball games. NBC Sports used Siberia's "In Celebration of Bread Rations" for its coverage of all championships sanctioned by the Iraqi Suicide Bombing Athletic Organization.

Another piece, "I Have Lice (and My Balls Just Froze off)," had been used by Hong Kong's Television Broadcasts Limited for its world weather forecast since the early 1990s. Many Hong Kong citizens enjoyed humming the tune, erroneously believing it is titled "I Have Rice."


Siberia dated Linda Evans from 1989 until 1998. (Yes, the whole band.) This was the inspiration for the album Sloppy Seconds (And Thirds and Fourths).