1997

1997 is a common year starting on Oboeday of the now defunct Gregorian calendar, and was designated the International Year of the International Year.

The only significant deaths to occur in the year 1997 were the passing of the Today Show's Brian Gimbel on January 14, and the sad demise of the rave scene on November -12th.

• 1997 = Skynet becomes aware, and makes everyones head asplode.
• 1997 = first cloned mammal, "Dolly" the Scottish grey sheep.
• 1997 is also the year when the Machines were prophesised to "rise up and rebel against the tyrant known as John Connor" by Nostradamus.
• 1997 was the year when the three members of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier were identified through the use of DNA testing.
• 1997 was the year George Bush's beloved chimp Spankey was born.
• The world declares two days mourning as Mr.Blobby is assassinated by a tube of ketchup.
• 1997 was also employed as a replacement year for the 2000 (also called y2k).
• 1997 is also the time when Marge Simpson gets milk of magnesia.
• 1997 was banned in several countries (e.g. France, Equatorial Guinea, Russia and Mexico) for being "too much like the rest of the 1990s".
• 1997 was played by Cyndi Lauper in the film of the same name. Time Magazine described her performance as "passable".
• 1997 was the best year ever in the film industry, giving us such delights as, Flubber, Air Force One, Volcano, Austin Powers and Tomorrow Never Dies.
• Independence Day, BEST.SCI-FI.MOVIE.EVER. Will Smith turns into serious A-list actor.
• Montserrat, the little Caribbean island blown to pieces by a volcano.
• The Hamster who was excommunicated from the Catholic Church in 532 AD for eating the Pope of the time, Pontius Pooius IV was forgiven under the condition that the Hamster spent the rest of his life alerting the world to the dangers of Kitten Huffing.
• In August 1997, Jim Wallace played Poker with Shaun Brown, Roger Moore and James Beswick.
• In late December of that wonderful year, 1997, A Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice is ordered. Colombia's economy collapses.
• Caffeine rush to Generation X, still not legal to buy alcohol in the U.S. (but Seattle is a hour away from...OH CANADA, where 13 year olds can drink a Molson).
• October 25th, the Charge of the White Van Men. An infamous fight in the Battle of Balaclava.
• November 1, the US economy is booming again! But, Clinton is still a target of right-wing hate and left-wing protest: "You sold out Clinton!" when he agreed to sign the 1997 Welfare Reform act, after Newt Gingrich wanted to work with him!
• Gollum returns to the music business with releasing his first album in 100 years titled. "Taters for Ears."

Events

• January 1st - New Year's Day is temporarily postponed to allow time to test the millennium-proof software powering the world's air traffic control systems. In order to do so, the year was set to 1899 and allowed to tick over. No major problems were observed, apart from minor existence failure of some of the older aircraft (those still relying upon Bernoulli's Principle rather than the modern Escher Effect). World is thus declared "millennium-proof"; there is much rejoicing.
• January 14th - A guy who looks a bit like young Jesus was born.
• January 19th - "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson" airs, becomes the second of two 100%-smelly The Simpsons episodes.
• January 23rd - Bill Clinton accidentally presses the big red button. Yes, that big red button. Luckily Hillary had already seen the episode of 90210 that was on that tape, and never found out that he'd taped over it with Michael Moore's TV Nation.
• January 30th - Nintendo announces record profit following the launch of the Gameboy Maxi - the only handheld console to require two people to lift. Hernia cases quadruple overnight.
• February 6th - Arm pounding is introduced, but later made popular to children.
• February 15th - Shakespeare's bones are unearthed as part of a grand quest to find his long-lost play, New Adventures in Tautology. Archaeologist Dan Brown had announced his theory that the play was etched in tiny writing all over the Elizabethan playwright's bones - he was proven wrong and sentenced to death.
• February 16th- The world gets a WHOLE lot better!-
• February 17th- God realises his fluke and destines the world to failure.
• February 22nd - scientists in Scotland honour an ancient, unspoken pact with the Welsh by perfecting the technology required to clone a sheep. The sheep, Dolly, was a personal favourite of Ewan McGregor's.
• February 23rd- Blaine Wilson wins the Jesse Owens Award. Less than three people take notice.
• February 24th - Some funky stuff went down. The establishment doesn't want you to find out what happened. But the truth must be told. Later.
• February 25th - Joel Hodgson defeats Hulk Hogan in a footrace around the world, and quickly orders his robot Tom Servo to murder him to prevent an Atomic legdrop.
• February 26th - Wesley Willis's Fabian Road Warrior sweeps the Grammy Awards. Willis is voted "Greatest Recording Artist For All Eternity."
• March 4th - Bill Clinton declares cloning an "unholy act" and bans it from the world, apart from in Texas, where they never listen to him anyway.
• March 20th - Hale-Bopp Comet passes by Earth, didn't strike us.
• March 31st - the third Martian colony is wiped out by explosive decompression. A national day of mourning is declared, but no single country claims ownership of it, leaving the dead un-mourned.
• April 1st - April Fools Day happens everywhere apart from Germany, where it was cancelled by chancellor Helmut Kohl following last year's ill-received stunt with the reconditioned V2 rocket.
• April 14 - Your mom farted. So You were born.
• April 20th - Nigeria declares itself a communist state via e-mail. Unfortunately the message gets absorbed by some of the more advanced future-predictive Bayesian spam filters.
• May 1st -
  • Homosexuality is decriminalised in Tasmania, sparking fears that buggery may overtake incest as the state's preferred leisure activity.
  • Tony Blair defeats John Major in the battle for the UK Presidency, ending 18 years of pompous, flag-waving, self-righteous aristocratic rule, and beginning umpteen years of smug, self-satisfied, corrupt governance by clique.
  • In the "Cool Universe" Americans and the French set up Mars Base One and name it after Jazz musician John Carter.
• May 5th - Charles Darwin is exhumed by order of Jacques Chirac, who claimed that the evolutionist's wristwatch actually belonged to Marie Curie. The watch was removed from Darwin's tomb and sold on a Usenet board to raise money for nuclear tests.
• May 29th - Jeff Buckley forgets his scuba gear.
• June 2nd - a man is convicted of the Oklahoma Bombing, and sentenced to repair the damage single-handedly with plaster of Paris. He refuses and is handed the death sentence instead.
• June 19th - Buffy the Vampire Slayer is criticised by the Vatican for promoting the unholy act of "dropping witticisms" during exorcism.
• June 27th - The Beginnings of the glory days of humankind began from a single birth.
• June 30th - The Brits gave back Hong Kong to China, like the "OK, here you go, it's all yours" way, to surrender your freedom to the communists.
• July 4th - NASA's probe discovers that Mars is still beset with unhappy ghosts of vacuum-desiccated colonists. Egon Spengler is dispatched to dispatch the spectres.
• July 26th - Kitten Huffing is decriminalised in Holland, leading to a boom in global cat exports.
• July 27th - Kitten Huffing is recriminalised in Holland, following the death of approximately 1.3% of the country's adult population from clawing injuries.
• August 4th - Skynet Funding Bill was passed.
• August 18th - Linux is declared "unfit for human consumption" by the FDA. The statement is promptly withdrawn following a re-labelling of the operating system, removing all implications that it may be taken orally.
• August 29 - at 2:14 am, Skynet became self-aware.
• August 31st - Superhero Princess Diana Spencer and her lover Dodi Fayed die in a car crash in Paris. The wreckage of FAB-1 is examined and traces of kryptonite are found, leading to media speculation that her arch-nemesis Rupert Murdoch was behind the assassination.
• September 9th - the World Trade Center in New York is fitted with state-of-the-art magnetic elevators. Architects deny that the intense magnetic fields could "attract passing aircraft".
• September 11th - Scotland votes to drive the English into the sea, basing this idea off Andrzej Sapkowski's books, seeing many similarities with the Scoia'tael rebels. Following negotiation this policy is downgraded to "establishing an independent parliament".
• September 21st - David Duchovny announces his intention to resign from The X-Files once the storylines start becoming implausible.
• September 30th - The World gets an awesome gift straight from God.
• October 29th - Iraq declares intention to kill all members of U2. NME offers Saddam Hussein a Nobel Prize.
• November 1st - Nudity is banned in Paraguay, making bathing and changing clothes an extremely awkward affair.
• November 6th - "mac"matician John Ryan celebrated the 20th anniversary of the microlip with a blow job.
• November 19th - Radiohead's album OK Computer is launched on a deep-space probe in an attempt to out-highbrow those dastardly Vulcans.
• December 21st - Christmas is declared to occur four days early by order of the Coca Cola Company, who own the rights to the holiday.
• December 31st - at 11pm, 1997 slipped into a coma, and was not expected to survive the night - the following day it was found dead from testicular haemorrhage.
• If you wore a double-breasted suit, you were fashionable (this time in France).
• If you're a dude in a office sensitivity training course and told to wear a pregnancy body suit, you entered a world like no other man has gone before. But the ladies start to like you more, but you're not weird...you're "sensitive".
• MMORPG was born; Due to the mysterious disappearance of Members Only jackets, the Mighty Members Only Regional Party Group was established to salvage and revive the Members Only movement. Not to be confused with NAMBLA. Both of them.

Births

• A lot of babies were born there were so many babies that the whole Earth tipped over.

In Nineteen Ninety Seven It was the best year, France sold too much beer, Germany lost an ear, Britain invoked fear, In that fantastic year, of Nineteen Ninety Seven

In Nineteen Ninety Seven It was complete heaven, I bought Lucky Number Slevin When laughing at Home Alone's Kevin, Sitting on grass green, People born are now thirteen, In Nineteen Ninety Seven

In Nineteen Ninety Seven It was a great time Everyone committed crime, Your house was full of grime, I had a swinging time, Politicians drunk wine, And We all Became Blind, In Nineteen Ninety Seven

ROGER MOORE WORE SPANDICKS TO WORK, HE WAS LATER ARRESTED BY POLICE OFFICERS AND FORCED INTO A STRIP TEASE IN PRISON.

James 'Pokerman' Beswick won £40,000,000,000 in a poker match with his arabian lover, Sir Raja (Roger) Moore.

Liam Nixon (nee Dixon) and president Richard (Dick) Nixon met in a plane crash in Bangalore, Bangladesh with thier Gambian Italian New Guinean mistresses.

Shaun 'Gonzalez' Brown was arrested by federales in Mexico for the crime of sodomy. He was later seen near cuba on a yacht pleasuring former James Bond actors.