God, what's that smell?
The People's Commune of Tasmania
|Motto: "Tasmania, the arse end of the world"|
|Anthem: "Two heads are better then one, I guess"|
Australian women carry a map of Tasmania at all times.
Next time you meet one, ask her to show it to you.
|Largest city||Bicheno, with 2 million+ penguins, and a human population that's nowhere near that number|
|Official language(s)||English (we think)|
|part of Danish Monarchy since May 14, 2004|
“Bloody Hell, Madison Smith makes no freakin’ sense!”
Tasmania is situated at the top of Australia, it is the northern most point of the world. It is the only state of Australia separated from the mainland by water: the Bass Strait Project created the gap upon the insistence of Victoria, which was quoted as saying "There's no way we want to keep touching that place."
This hasn't been enough, however, and things have reached the point where the Australian government is planning on selling Tasmania: the current bidders are Iraq, Sudan and New Zealand — no other nations are depraved enough to actually want to purchase the state. Considering Paul Keating, the former Prime Minister from the 90's who can't quite get his head around the "former" bit, once described Australia as "the arse end of the world", not much hope remains for Tassieland.
Tasmania is noted for its wildlife and its wildlife-like inhabitants: the Tasmaniacs, also known as the Taswegians, are one of two state populations in the world who are all part of each other's immediate family (the other being Alabama). Among Tasmaniacs, the greater number of family ties you have to the same people (i.e. being someone's father, brother, cousin and aunty all at once) the greater standing you have in the community.
For many years it was believed that Tasmania was originally inhabited by a proud race of Ninja turtles, who managed to produce a thriving civilisation despite living in one of the harshest climates imaginable to turtles. Recently, however, this laughable theory has been debunked by eminent national historian Albert Humperdinkle, who proved beyond doubt that Paris Hilton was in fact the explorer who discovered the island when looking for a new location for a new tape she was making.
Tasmania went on to become the site of the Confederate States of America's only colony. Once the hillbilly colonists arrived they continued the traditions of their motherland by having sex with the thylacines and giving birth to stripey humans.
Keith Windschuttle — described by himself, John Howard and Andrew Bolt as an eminent historian but described by everyone else as a gorgeous know-everything hunk of man-meat — has taken issue with many of the above facts. Windschuttle argues that Aborigines were in fact a hoax, after the Great Sand storm event of 1923 no Aborigines were ever seen again, and proposed that they should be listed in the book next to aliens and ghosts. Another theory of his is that "Aboriginal" was another word for "petroleum", and that references to the slaughter of Aborigines were in fact about the fluorescent booger.
Windschuttle has also argued that, far from being tens of thousands of years old, Tasmania is in fact only a few centuries old. According to Windschuttle, Tasmania was actually built brick by brick by the wonderful and virtuous white man, as a home for him and his servants. He supports his claim by the fact that there are no western records of the existence of Tasmania in the years before they discovered it. This is also said to explain the shape of Tasmania, as the repressed minds of its Victorian-era builders subconsciously crafted it in the shape of Queen Victoria's pubic hair.
The cultural intellect arose in Tasmania only after John Donaldson migrated there in the early 1970s. Not much improvement has occurred since.
Politics and international affairs
Despite being composed of hillbillies and rednecks, Tasmania is notable as the only state in which the majority of people voted against The Coalition Of Pricks and Rednecks in the 2004 Federal Election. Tasmania is in fact a left-wing stronghold and prominent proponent of gay rights (and also the home of Bob Brown, a rare Tasmanian who was born with one head, ten toes and not having a microcephalic brain) — although polls suggest this is merely a consequence of Tasmanians being accustomed to fucking all their siblings regardless of gender.
Tasmania acts as a de facto separate country to Australia, with enough apples and illegally cut wood to sustain itself for millions of years as well as having strong diplomatic ties with [Sierra Leone.
The Danish monarchy
Unlike mainland Australia, which is ruled by Empress Liz and managed by CEO Kevin McQueensland, Tasmania is a territory of the Danish monarchy. This means that Tasmanians grow tulips, drink Grolsch, wear clogs and smoke legalised marijuana despite the fact that all these things are actually Dutch. The Danish ambassador in Sydney is doing what he can about the matter, especially since May 2004, as discussed above, a distinction needs to be made between Dutchland and Denmark.
The intricacies of Tasmanian Demographics form one of the three great conundrums of existence, along with the existence of God and the ongoing popularity of Fred the mongoose. The reason for this is the seemingly nonexistent line of definition between its human inhabitants and wildlife. It is generally accepted that those who walk on their hind legs are accepted as humans and allowed to work, drive, and live in the cities. All lifeforms, however, are allowed to vote, with the exception of lice and hippies. All Danes can vote in any Tasmanian election as long as their vote ends in the words "May Mary rule soon".
Tasmania is home to the boony doll — a fierce creature that roams the bushlands. Another common animal is "the Jack" or the White-faced Dog. It is also the original birth place of the Tasmanian devil, a satanic rat-like creature that devours everything in its path. The Tasmanian tiger was hunted by the British and is now classified as being extinct, though there are still occasional sightings of them by lunatics.
Tasmania was originally thought be home to a distinct remnant population of Nigerian black bears living within it's western mountain ranges, however, it was discovered to be Terry and Jan from Rosebery. All the world's lice and hippies are genetically linked to a breeding pair hiding beneath a supermarket in Sydney in 1974.
Inbreeding has long been popular in Tasmania, resulting in many Tasmanians sporting gruesome deformities such as multiple heads, limbs in inappropriate places, mullet hair styles, and one large testicle as opposed to the two considered normal in the rest of the world. For this reason Tasmanians, much like New Zealanders, are banned from entering mainland Australia. Tasmanians who continue to breed outside their family are ostracised by a small part of the community and accused of being "Mudbloods". A classic example of Tasmanian deformity is Brian Harradine. He had the first reported case of two heads.
Environment and industry
Tasmania is soon going to be home to an effluent production plant which will be the island's main income. Effluent is a major commodity in Tasmania and 1L of sewage sells for about AU$75.00 in stores and AU$15.00 on the street. A major by-product of this plant will be some sort of wood pulp, which is a delicacy for anyone with "Gunn" in their name. Paul the Great supports the effluent mill and enjoys kickback payments.
Tasmania is still somewhat underdeveloped in terms of transport, lacking the technological infrastructure to introduce the internal combustion engine to the island. Trucks use coal powered boilers to transport their precious cargoes of pulp, timber and Tasmanian Devil meat from the tree-felled wastelands of the south to the market towns of the north. Ships used by Tasmanians vary, yet the majority form a squadron of ironclads that are used for raiding pacific islands for native women in a futile attempt to lower inbreeding rates (measured in extra limbs per thousand, 10% above mainland levels being the current target). Longships are also used for sports such as seal clubbing, or a sea race less known on the mainland although being very popular in Tasmania, the Hobart to Sydney. Crews of ships that make it to Sydney are given the privilege of meeting Lord David of Boone at his Royal Palace upon their return, on the condition they bring back the rare mainland elixir of his choosing, which is always Victoria Bitter. Air travel is limited to hot air balloons and canvas tri-planes, often reserved for government officials for their hazardous trips to the mainland to sit in sessions of parliament.
Primary industry is mostly limited to forestry, fur trapping (often harvesting wild Tasmanian females) and the mining of peat, coal and gold in the abyssal mountains of mid-island. Fishing forms a minor part of primary industry due to the apparent dangers associated with fishing in Tasmanian waters. Several whaling ships are taken a year by the rarely sighted Giant Tasmanian Kraken. Harvesting game and extermination of pests is also a minor yet important part of Tasmanian primary production. There are large wild populations of Tasmanian tigers, devils, gold miners and trees that are hunted through either firestick farming or baiting. This is usually done during the wet season while Gold Miners are in hibernation and Tasmanian Devil attacks on babies in frontier towns are at their highest intensity.
Lord David of Boone
Tasmania's most famous son is undoubtedly Sir David of Boon. In the 1980s, while on a flight to London with The Australian House of Lords (The Australian Cricket team), Boonie consumed somewhere between 47 and 52 cans of either VB or Fosters. This effort, along with a swag of runs against the Poms and an uncanny ability to catch a cricket ball travelling just below the speed of light, has turned Boon into somewhat of an Australian legend. Beer drinking cricket fans around the nation regularly worship graven images of "Boonie" and down cans in his honour. Sir David currently resides in his own autonomous kingdom somewhere in the mountains of Tasmania. Rumor has it that he has achieved immortality, and can be destroyed only by being tricked into drinking wine.
Princess Mary of Denmark
Mary Donaldson is the Crown Princess of Denmark, a title the undeserving lassie obtained by vulgar display of trashiness when she rubbed the chest of the visiting dimwit Crown Prince Frederik of Denmark during the Sydney Olympics. Being the gold digger that she is, she has made headlines for her excessive spending, being called the Imelda Marcos of the North. Back in the days when she'd happily shag Tasmanian hillbillies in the back of a ute, Mary was described by one former lover as a "Holden Commodore": boring, but does what you want it to. Mary now cares only about fashion and being in magazines, she never had a successful career and loved to drive around in her then-boyfriend's used cars — not his property but he worked at a dealership so Mary had her pick. Now she wears Prada and Hugo Boss and thinks she's the shit. In a strange twist of consistency, the Australian mind-controlling media still seem to think that Mary is still "Australia's" (property), despite her traitorous emigration; as for Germaine Greer, not so much. For more on the princess's deep thoughts and friendship with ridden hard and hung up wet Amber Petty, see http://cpmary.blogspot.com. She also went on a tour of Taroona High School (the high school she used to attend) and didn't even bother to come and meet any of the students! What a bitch!
The exact date and place of birth of Taz are uncertain, even though he is the world's most famous Tasmanian. His age cannot be estimated as his appearance is unchanged since going on a near-vegetarian diet (large trees and other inanimate objects) while keeping his dangerous reputation chasing rabbits and ducks after emigrating to the US.
Map of Tasmania
It is widely known that there is a wide range of quintessentially Australian objects that are venerated by the population of the world's smallest continent. Football, meat pies, kangaroos and Holden cars are some of the more traditional ones. Kevin Sheedy, Llleyytonn Hewittt, Ollie, Millie and Syd have made more recent inroads into hearts and minds from Cape York to Cape Otway and from Fremantle to Wooloomooloo. But at a more fundamental and private level there is one thing that Australians hold in esteem above all others: the Map of Tasmania.
Every Australian woman earns the right to wear a Map of Tasmania as she reaches puberty. At the same time, the majority of Australian males become almost unnaturally obsessed by them. As guardians of the sacred image, the women go to great lengths to keep them away from the prying eyes of the menfolk. The men in their turn resort to extreme measures in their attempts to gain access. Common tactics include chasing a football around a cricket field in a tank-top and tight shorts and starting international media and publishing empires.
In the present day, women have become less tolerant of this behaviour on the part of the men and have been known to trim their maps of Tasmania so that they are no longer recognisable as such. Research has shown that this typically does nothing to quell the spirit of the males and can often further inflame their spiritual fervour.
Places to visit in Tasmania
- Fields full of sheep.
- Launceston. Only to find graffiti on someone's fence opposite the city park saying, "Where is the love? Obviously not here!" in which you will despair and head off to Devonport. You then wonder why you went to Devonport.)
- 9/11 liquor stores. It's true, they really do have them!
- The Osama Ben Lomond ski resort.
- Outside the public toilets at Franklin Square at night to meet with a group of emos to discuss how no one ever cares.
- Anywhere else in Tasmania.