|WARNING! This article is designed to offend.|
If you are not offended by it, please edit it so that you will be in the future.
For an example of how to be offensive, see: Cannibalism
Strewth! G'day, mate, and welcome to the sunburnt country of Uncyclerpoidia's 'Straiyan-English Dictionary, Phrasebook and Cultural Goide, yer essential aid t' bein' understood when yer visitin' our bewdiful country or trorn'a buy a drink in London.
a'Straiya's twenny tormes 'a soize of England and, lorke everywhere, plays cricket twenny tormes betta. Canada prob'ly plays cricket better th'n Pommyland. Mate, Quebec prob'ly plays cricket better th'n Pommyland. Fair crack a' th' dingo! Chuck another whingin' Pom on th' barbie! Strewth!
'Straiyans hat' America but loik the Seppos 'emselves 'cos if they're in a'Straiya they were smaht 'nough t' actually figure out th' rest a' th' world exists. Thass arroit. They usually look sorta dazed. 'Straiyans always assume a Seppo's Canadian till they're dumb enough t' say they're not — it's just poloit.
|Pissed||Pissed off or drunk|
|There are no accent coaches in Hollywood worth a moment's consideration.||Fuck off Yanks|
|American||Septic Tank (Yank)|
'Straiyans are also well known as red hot lovers. And all the women've got fantastic tits.
- Stevo: G'day! Noice tits. Wanna root?
- Sharon: Oi dunneaw, y' smooth-torken' barstard!
- (five minutes later)
- Stevo: *snork* *splort*
- Sharon: He loves me, he loves me!
- Stevo: *burp* (puts beer down) What toiyme's the footy on?
(Note: 'Straiyans aren't all called Bruce and Sheela. That's the Poms havin' you on. They're actually all called Stoiyeve and Narelle. 'Xcept 'f course fer Shazza, Bazza, Dazza, Gazza, Macca, Robbo, Johnno, Davo, Stevo, Clivo, Charlene, Noeline, Raelene, Brucelene, Kylie and Farken Mark. And Poms with weird names loike "Kevin.")
'Straiyan chicks go woild f'r an Oirish or Scottish accent. Yer Pommy accent sorta works, but not too well — y'moight need a personality t' go with it.
'Straiyans are as self-obsessed as any Yank and think they're all rugged outdoor frontier types even if they all live in forve or six cities and their four-wheel droive's never gone further th'n their kids' school. So TV about 'Straiya being big, bewdiful and dangerous is a sure winner.
- Ay, wot's this little bugger? It's an Uncyclerpoidian! Lovely little critter, isn' 'e. Gotta be careful, though — his deadly satore could strorke you dead in seventy-three years, eleven months and twenty-two days. Let's see wot happens when or stick mor finger up his aaarse ... Ooh croikey 'e bit me!! *urk*
Other useful phrases
Woi'll start with s'm simple 'Straiyan words an' phrases used 'n ev'ryday loife:
|Simple 'Straiyan phrase||Meaning|
|Feeeeeeeeeeeeesh and Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeps||Fish and Chips|
|Fark!||Recent occurrences that I find personally offensive have caused a sudden outburst of aggression in my usually laid-back demeanor.|
|Fark!||Is that a crocodile heading towards us?|
|Fark!||I seem to have been placed in an incidence that my be hazardous to my health.|
|Bloody oath||Fark Yeah!|
|Moi fuck'n oath I will!||Um, probably. I think.|
|Farken Asian farken invasion||All immagrants.|
|Mate||A friend, or girlfriend.|
|Mate||Someone you have just met.|
|Mate||Someone you are threatening to have a barney with.|
|Mate||The guy serving you beer at the pub.|
|Mate||Someone whose name you can't remember.|
|Mate||I don't know what your name is, but ill call you mate.|
|Mate||Pardon me sir, but I have reason to believe that you have secreted on your person items for which you do not intend to furnish payment.|
|Moayte||I find myself succumbing to a high affinity for your charming character and consider our relationship to be congenial to good spirits.|
|Gollum||Kevin Rudd (Comedians)|
|COMMIE CUNT FACKING ALL MOI INTERNETS AURHGL||Kevin Rudd (Pedophiles and children)|
|Yoda||Richie Benaud (Cricket commentator)|
|Dear Leader||Kevin Rudd (Liberal politicians)|
|shut the fark up or i'm going to farking kill ya||plese be quiet so we don't get into an argument|
|Farken Wanka pommie||Stuart Broad (English 'Cricketor')|
|in ya face count-hole||told you so|
|Arselicker||John Howard (Liberal politicians)|
|Slimy farkin' little mongrel farkin' cunt||John Howard (Everyone else)|
|Farken Legend||Rodney Rude|
|Faaaaaaaarken Legend||Kevin Bloody Wilson|
|Dingo ate my baby!||My infant was taken away by E. Dingo.|
Now let's troy c'mboinin' 'em:
|More compl'cated 'Straiyan phrase||Meaning|
|Well La-dee-farken-dah||Aren't you just the bee's knees!|
|Shtroof!!||An expression of surprise reserved for audiences with at least one foreigner (at's non-'Straiyan types, blue!). In company that is totally of 'Straiyan origin, a more appropriate term is "Fark!".|
|(creaky voice) "It'ssh una'Strayian!"||Anything done by someone who would like to see Kevin Rudd return to the 1950s of his dreams without taking the rest of us with him|
|Chuck another prawn on the barbie||Would you be so kind as to place another shrimp on the bbq?|
|Fuggin', ya fuggin', fuck ... FUCK. Shit. Fuckin, fuggin, fuggit. Cunt. (vomits) "(vomits again)"||I am eager to partake of the fine quality heroin I have heard so much about on your wonderful Kings Cross, Sydney. Could you also please spare fifty cents. Thank you, sir.|
|Tarf aza bruckbilt shi'ouse||Possessing great strength|
Note: sure this one is'n' Noo Zealan'?
Note: Noo Zealan' is fake 'Straya
|Arrrh, dun't come the raw prawn, moayte. Shtroof, Oi've knocked around the Territry for twenny years. Reckun Oi know a thinger two.||I have long resided in the manicured suburbs of the nation's capital. Your advice is of little use to me. alt.: I am taking the piss out of your accent as well as mine.|
|Ay'm gunna jam me thumb..rayght up 'is buttle!||A colonoscopy|
|Shtroof ol' bli'me, faark me dead. Me mouffs aboud az droi azza dead dingos donga!||No literal translation known for this. Or at least the Australian bastards won't explain what it means.|
Luckily times have changed and Aborigines are treated in every way equal to other Aussies! (except for legal representation, property ownership, healthcare, education, general acceptance into the white community and fair treatment by the Government.)
Confusion with the Language
Americans loike ta use the quote "Shrimp on the Barbie!" ta mock Aussies. Aussies seem to get quoite confused as they do not use the term 'shrimp' but rather 'praawn'. This is the time where Australians like ta throw Vegemoite at the Americans fer their stupid quotes.
- Dunno what happened in 2005, mate. Better have another drink.
- Holy shit I take that back, dunno what happened in 2006/2007, mate. Can I have some of what you were drinking before?
- Woit a moment. Aren't terrorists the big threat?
- Note: No one actually says this in Australia, no one ever has and ever will. Not even for money.