Wayne Swan

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Wayne Swan

It's my money now.
The "interesting" biography
Born: 30th June 1954.
Died: We can but hope.
Hometown: Canberra
Nationality: Aussie
Occupation: Australian MP, Treasurer, General nuisance, Quite possibly the stupidest looking man on the planet.
Duration: Ever since those idiots elected the labor party
Predecessor: Pete
Notable Work: Fucking up our economy more than it already was.
Website: Nobody Cares

“He's not very good at his job”

~ Captain Obvious on Wayne Swan

“I accidentlyed the whole economy... Twice.”

~ Wayne Swan on Having holes in the budget... Twice

Wayne Maxwell Swan is Australia's latest political in-joke located smack back in the middles of the nations biggest media circus, the Australian Parliament. He is the local MP for the seat of Lilley Queensland, the treasurer of the commonwealth of Australia and it's current deputy prime minister, amongst other jobs.

Wayne Swan is Australia's mostly controversial political figure as well, due to his repeated upholding of his position, despite the widespread knowledge that he simply has no idea how the finance works. Many put the keeping of the job down to a tight relationship with his boss.

Early life[edit]

Like the majority of Australian politicians he was born and raised on a cattle station in Queensland. Nobody expected great things from the old farmers son, however in a surprising twist Wayne actually went to university, however reflecting upon his background his choice of major work was quite poor. Selecting to study to become a managing director at the University of Queensland, only meant it was a matter of time before be delved into the malicious world of politics and professional bullshitting.[1]

Political life and roles[edit]

From 1978 - 1980 he was assistant to several influential politicians of the time. Through carefully placing the correct bribes here and threatening the right people he was slowly able to advance himself towards the top of the chain of command.[2]

After several ins and outs of office Swan finally got what he wanted a secure position right at the top. Which only got better in 2007 when the long anticipated election of Kevin Rudd into office. He now was not only the treasurer of Australia but also it's deputy prime minister. This meant that when Rudd went on his numerous overseas "business trips" Swan assumed control of the nation. Something he enjoyed repeatedly.


Kevin Rudd[edit]

“I give Rudd my full good faith.”

~ Wayne Swan before voting against Rudd in the leadership shitfest

Wayne and Kevin were buddies from way back. As Wayne as Kevin's trusty sidekick and moneyman when Rudd finished his rise to power. Swan gave Rudd his full faith. Well that's what he said anyway, up until Gillard overthrew him in the world famous "backstabbing" incident.

It is rumored they had an awful falling out with each other over the incident. But Swan insisted they made up like grown men, whilst Rudd insists they have moved on in separate directions.

Julia Gillard[edit]

“I stand by Gillard as the ideal leader for the labor party”

~ Wayne Swan on The "backstabbing" controversy and lying to the public.

Wayne Swan's loyalty to Rudd was quickly revoked upon realizing his position might be threatened if he didn't comply to Gillard's new regime. In true political fashion Swan abandoned ship in case anyone associated with Rudd was brought down with him. Instead he joined the dark darker side of the party.

Swan claims to be best of friends with Gillard which is just polite language for I act as her doormat. He also has this creepy admiration of her which is publicly evident in this lovely photo.

The Opposition[edit]

Now mate. Listen. You can't just talk to me like that!

What makes him a true member of the ALP as his often unjustifiable but consistent disagreement with anything the liberals say.[3] The shadow Treasurer consistently refers to Swan as an inexperienced mamas boy. But as we can see in this picture o the left, he always stands his ground in a good old spirited debate.

Quite simply he views his shadow minister as an unfair bully. Swan continually stands by the fact that he is a good treasurer and that the missing tax payers dollars are missing because of all those damn boat people! The opposition is insistent that he could manage the money better they Mr Swan could if only they gave him a chance. Swan is convinced however that:

He'd just make things worse

—Wayne Swan

Which really implies he fucked up the situation in the first place.

Following his boss like the sheep that he is, Swan absolutely hates Tony Abbott. It doesn't matter if Abbott is murdering his family or complementing him on the neatness of his suit, Swan will have an opinion against him. As in his eyes the liberals can't do anything right.[4] But on a professional level Abbott and Swan simply view each other as the unprofessional loonies they are. What they can't settle on is which of them is worse than the other.


Lately he has gained media attention, for all the wrong reasons. Particularly relating to the carbon tax controversy. Whilst Wayne here is insistent that it is 100% necessary to help reduced CO2 emissions to curb Global warming, the opposition party insist "It is just another lame political excuse to take the tax payers money off them to fill that hole they accidentally created in our economy."

The ALP on the other hand insist that simply doing carbon trading and blaming the whole thing on China is the way of the future.

It is really hard to judge which idea is more stupid than the other. But what is evident is that Swan still believes throwing money at a problem and expecting it to go away is a suitable solution.


  1. It's a sport now
  2. this.
  3. They disagree on everything. And I mean everything!
  4. This is actually partially true.

See Also[edit]