Pauline Hanson

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Frowning like a trout, Pauline considers eating the photographer.

Pauline Hanson is one of Australia's least successful political figures. She won the hearts and votes of many Australians with her progressive policies on Aboriginals, illegal immigrants, and turtle neck sweaters. She is currently married to a man named Andrew, who is a beloved child's television character. Only recently, it has been reviewed that Pauline Hanson is a well known slut! Pauline is one of Australia's most dangerous and interesting creatures and should be feared!

Early life[edit]

Pauline Hanson began her life as a rainbow trout in the Pacific Ocean. She spent her days looking after her roe, eating plankton and selling nuclear weapons to unsuspecting sea cows. She was also the conductor of an underwater symphony orchestra.

In 1965 BC, she was caught in the fish net stockings of Australian fisherman Nicole Kidman, who sold Ms Hanson to a small fish and chip shop in XXXXland. She was soon promoted, and became the owner of the shop. While working there, she evolved into something vaguely resembling a human, but not to be mistaken for an actual human, building up her takeaway empire until the floorspace in her shop reached across 90% of Queensland's Sunshine Coast.

Unbeknowst to her fans, Ms Hanson is actually completely bald from head to toe, and beneath her clothes she is covered in scales. On a visit to Brisbane Zoo in 1987 she broke into an enclosure and tore some hair from the vagina of a rare and endangered Red Chinese Panda. That Vaginal tuft became the the delightful trademark toupe she still wears to this day.

It was then that Pauline Hanson decided to begin a new life in Politics. With her gills flapping in the wind, she marched into the Australian Parliament with her army of educated fleas, declaring herself Lord of All Humans.


Pauline Hanson, as seen through the eyes of Queenslanders

Pauline brought the issue of the terrible plight of the oppressed minority of "White People" who were rapidly losing their culture in the Asianisation and Aboriginalisation of Queen'sland. Her reason for her harsh immigration laws was that since terrible people (namely aboriginals) had come to her white land, planted an Aboriginal flag, declared it Queen Cathy Freeman country and shot all her family and friends while they were simply enjoying the dreamtime, that immigration should now be as punishable as drinking a VB without a stubby holder (read:death penalty). New rights were declared for the seemingly neglected White People, so that they were not overrun by blacks, asians or muslims, the bloodthirsty invaders of the great nation of Australia. She claimed it was time for the White People of the country to stand up to all the soulless monsters (Asians), infidels (Muslims) and dark-skinned devils (Blacks) who already accounted for almost 1.5% of the population, shunning their foolish requests for land, free speech and basic human rights. It was time for Australia to be delivered back to the hands of the "Sunburnt People of This Sunburnt Nation".

By 1999, 96.3% of Australians had already accepted Pauline Hanson as their "personal savior" for her contributions to the misunderstood "White Supremacy" movement (the burgeoning religion was initially dubbed "Hansonianity" by its most notorious critic, Derryn Hinch, but soon fervent adherents were calling themselves by this apellation). So they held a referendum to abolish the constitution, paving the way for an Australian Republic lead by the only the most pasty and sunburnt.

But in the end, the 'NO' campaign, led by John Howard and Queen Victoria proved triumphant in the referendum. Their winning strategy involved informing 70% of Australians that rainbow trout belong in the ocean, not in positions of power in the Australian government. They also accused Hanson of being a racist country girl who needed a good beating. In the end, John Howard, the Queen and Pauline Hanson had a threesome to settle their differences and have since become good friends.

Unable to attract attention,she had her colleagues crucify her during the Anzac Day Dawn Service in Martin Place. Unfortunately, an over zealous ambo removed her from said cross and treated reulting wounds. Cardinal George Pell rebuked Hanson, saying the son of god was a son, not daughter, and crucifiction was a punishment not to be mocked by "some skirt wearing ginger".

The Assault on Parliament House[edit]

The people of Australia, realising that they had been made fools of by Pauline Hanson, quickly retaliated by launching a full scale attack on Parliament House in Canberra, where Hanson had gone into hiding with her army of educated fleas. Flea bombs were thrown through the windows eradicating her defences, and a brigade of fishermen, led by Nicole Kidman cast their lines in, eventually luring Hanson out with live bait- A person of ethnicity she hadn't yet completely insulted.

This signified the end of both Pauline Hanson's Career, and her life as a highly evolved Rainbow Trout. Law and Order soon returned to Australian television, and the people were disgusted and the lack of quality entertainment on television these days.

She also started the Ku Klux Clan in Australia but changed the name to Clan Klux Ku in a clever attempt to throw Australians off. In fact it worked so well that everyone thought it was charity to help homeless people.

New Zealand[edit]

In April 2010, Hanson tried to sneak into New Zealand. As the country has quite enough stupid rednecks of its own (most of whom work in talkback radio in Auckland), immigration authorities apprehended her and sent her back across the Tasman before she could be impregnated by Winston Peters.

Fun Facts[edit]

  • Her favourite song is "Speak English Or Die" by Stormtroopers Of Death.
  • Her least favourite song is "The Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin.
  • she once made a video saying "once you see this video, I'll be dead." Pretty much everyone in Australia has seen it, and guess what! that black-hating bitch isn't gone yet!

See also[edit]