One Big Arse State
The White Shoe Republic of Queensland
A state with pumpkin scones and white shoes and rainforests and coal mines and stuff.
|Motto: "The Smartarse State"|
|Anthem: Life is great in the Sunshine State|
|Largest city||Ipswich, including underground tunnels|
|Official language(s)||'straylyan mayte!|
|Government||Childcare for adults|
|National hero(es)||Powderfinger, The Amity Affliction, The Veronicas|
|Farting North Queensland wants to secede|
|Currency||XXXX bottle caps|
|Religion||State of Origin, XXXX|
|Major exports||pumpkin scones|
|there is a morning session, then a break then an afternoon session then church|
Queensland, often referred to as "The Only State" by its residents, and "a laughingstock" by everyone else, is a 'Strayan state known for its ridiculous heat, cane toads, abundance of sporting legends and being Australia's Texas and the source of 99.9 per cent of stories featured on A Current Affair.
Queensland was created in 1859 when God decided he’d had enough rest and really ought to create something that made all the effort worthwhile. So he created Queensland. Shortly after it was created he realised it was rubbish and donated it to Queen Victoria or in fact left it in a basket at the front door of Buckingham Palace. The Queen was off her face on lead poisoning at the time and didn't notice.
In 1860 GOD created XXXX beer, which is consumed by every Queenslander from birth.
In January 1901 Queen Victoria died and the state found itself past its "Use By Date". Could it rename itself "Kingsland"? Prince of Wales land? Dead old smelly tart land?
Queensland then became part of Australia. This gave the fledgling state some other states to compare itself with. As all Australian people of note were soon found to be either actual or closet Queenslanders, all other states gave up trying.
Unfortunately, despite being the birth of civilisation Queensland had the worst education system in the country, if not the world. To compensate for this, they have "The Smartarse State" written on their number plates, to remind themselves every morning when they wake up. Cities in some of the state don't even have Sunday trading, a day entirely devoted to the consumption of pumpkin scones.
In 1940 cane toads were brought into Queensland. This was a big mistake.
Legend of Koala Lampur
Recent archaeological evidence suggets the legendary island of Koala Lampur is located in this Queensland. The most likely location is an undersea depression 250km to the east of a rum town called Bundaberg.
Legend has it that the Imperial Power of Koala Lampur was great and its people happy. So good is this place that it drew the attention of the Angry Beaver People of Planet Zoonga. The Angry Beaver People proceeded to declare war on Koala Lampur. The poor inhabitants of this massive earth super power had no chance against a race of Angry Beavers, technologically 2000 million years ahead of them. Despite the construction of the Death Star, numerous Battlestar Class warships and Popeye Spinach enhanced warriors, The Angry Beaver People were able to easily overcome the hapless Koala Lampurians. Finally, Koala Lampur was sucked out of earth and into the sun. Hence ending the mightiest human civilisation the earth has ever know.
Like most other states in Australia, Queensland is run by a Premier for part of the time, and by Koalas and Emperor Penguins the rest of the time. Joh somehow became Premier and remained so for 1,125 years. He was the longest serving Premier in Australian history, knighted by Queen Victoria for services to inter-racial relations, being renamed Sir Joh, commonly misheard as Sergio. He was a renowned consumer of brown paper bags, which were subsequently used to pay his workers Kingaroy peanuts. Many of his evil opponents accused him of huffing Canetoads, however he claimed biblical authority and so that was all right.
Queensland is a "land of contrasts". Well, that’s according to all the tourist brochures which are helpfully printed in red, green and blue to illustrate the point.
The red symbolises the “outback” - a "myffic" place filled with nothing but dirt, flies, clothes-lines, trampolines and children’s swing sets. The most famous place in the “Outback” is the Ettamogah Pub where “blokes” say “strewth” a lot and drive “utes”.
The green symbolises the “Rainforest”. This is an experimental forest being developed by scientists from the Queensland University Department of Coming Up With Big Ideas on Small Budgets (QUCUWBIOSB), in conjunction with the Queensland Government Department of Spending Big Budgets on Mind Numbingly Useless Ideas (QGDOSBBOMNUI).
Finally, the blue symbolises the “Ocean”. Queensland is the proud owner of approximately 4,000,000,000,000,000,000 kilometres of prime beachfront real estate. This is a private beach, accessible only upon passing a dress code inspection carried out by officious security staff. Just off shore in the “Ocean” is the “Great Reef Barrier” which was built in the 1950s as a barrier to stop the Japanese from reefing the beach away and towing it home with them.
As brochures also tell you, Queensland is “Beautiful one day, fucked the next”. Unfortunately, no-one knows when either of those days will be, so stop calling the Bureau of Meteorology because they have enough work to do already. There is, however, a school of thought that developed somewhere in the other states that argues that that day has been and gone sometime during the Triassic Period.
One advantage of a Queensland summer is the humidity: one doesn't need to drink during summer in Queensland, as all the moisture you could ever need is in the atmosphere.
Queensland is known for excessive amounts of unused and uninhabited land belonging to someone named Mabo.
The language spoken in Queensland is distinctly different to language spoken in the other states of Australia. This language is most commonly known as "eh but". It is also noted that most Queenslanders drop the ends off words, and put odd pauses in others as well as inserting random profanity into any sentence. Queenslanders also often answer their questions with "Yeah nah".
Most of Queensland, and especially Northern Queensland, recognises Pauline Hanson (also known as the "Oxley-Moron") as Patron Saint and Divine Ruler for Eternity. Some say it was her strict anti-immigration views that gave her this status, but most Queenslanders agree that it's really that she's a Ranga, not a Foxy Lady.
"Smartarse State" Status
Queenslanders usually refer to their state as being the smartarse State, via number plates. As a consequence, an IQ test must be completed annually in order to live there. If one fails the test (and achieves an IQ of more than 30) that person is expelled from the state and is made to live in That place that could have been a state but didn't wanna, The Northern Territory (also known as "Upper Coomera").
Queensland is a sister state with South Carolina in America. Like all good sisters should, they try on each other's clothes, play dress-up, and talk about the boys they have crushes on in school. They both fight over the use of Daddy's car on Friday nights.