Christmas in Australia
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Christmas in Australia, known as Chrissy in Aussie slang, is often very hot. Like with most other countries, it takes place during December, but can last until January or February depending on how lazy people are taking down their decorations. While the United States and Canada celebrate the holiday in winter, Australians are forced to die in summer blizzards while they open presents and throw shrimp on the barbie. It is not unusual to have Christmas Day well into 30,000 degrees celsius, while also having the air con broken.
Australia's most voted 'Wonderful Christmas' was the Chrissy of 2004, when Crazy Frog devastated his reign of terror upon the city of Darwin in the Northern Territory, as the people were set alight by the little garden gnomes that lived in their backyards.
Traditions[edit]
Christmas dinner[edit]
A traditional Christmas meal typically includes rotten prawns, with fried cat and battered margarine on the side. During the Great Australian Cheese Toasties rush, a Christmas pudding often contained a bottle of cyanide in the middle (much like a Kinder egg). Nowadays, a full-sized Deathstar is included inside — or if extremely lucky, a Star Destroyer. Other Aussie Christmas treats are; Mince Mines, Candy Cane Crabs, and Soggy Sausages. Usually on Christmas Eve, Australian children leave out tubes of toothpaste instead of cookies for Santa.
Some Australians often have their Christmas dinner at midnight on a local beach. Those in NSW often flock to Bondi Beach, a-pleasant-enough beach, which also attracts thousands of people on Christmas Day to watch Asian tourists get eaten by sharks.
Christmas activities[edit]
Other families enjoy their day by declaring war on their neighbours — putting all the Deathstars to good use, instead of sending them all to the landfill. A consequence of this common Aussie Christmas activity is that the rest of year is spent rebuilding all of the poorer neighbourhoods, but at least they will be repaired by Christmas for yet another war.
Other ways to spend the day; is by dancing on the pool, playing Xbox out in the backyard, playing street-rules cricket, and yelling racist profanities at legal migrants. Sydney and the other capital cities also enjoy dark magic festivities in the weeks leading up to Christmas.
Candlelight concert[edit]
The warm weather also allows Australians to enjoy a yearly tradition, which first started in 1937. The Nuclear Holocaust by Candlelight concert is held every year on Christmas Eve, where tens of thousands of people gather in the city of Melbourne to launch missiles onto themselves. The evening is lit by as many explosions destructing under a scalding hot pot of hot cheese fondue — making the sky with its Southern Cross stars look like a Nuclear Holocaust.
Shopping[edit]
Christmas shopping is generally done in the nude at all of Australia's open-air shopping centres — as it is too hot to wear anything at this time of the year. Clothing is, however, still essential in indoor air-conditioned centres, such as Fountain Gate or Westfield.
Free lollies[edit]
At many beaches, Santa Claus arrives on a heat-seeking train (or even on a Beef & Kidney pie) to hand out lollies to all the good and bad children. In recent years, firefighters have taken up this role — with the only difference being that the police won't listen to any of your noise complaint calls.
Stately festivities[edit]
Victoria: the trams get coloured green and red (often against their will), and some even grow antlers. A massive, annual, police chase takes place on the Monash Freeway, after Santa does a hook turn in his sled, and causes a three car pile up. Rudolph can also be seen dressed up like an emo, drinking soy chai cappuccinos at the local Bean Squeeze.
South Australia: lots of pregnant teenage elf's on smack. When he makes a pit stop, Santa can't drink water from the tap (nor even any bottled water at a nearby Milk Bar), and Rudolph gets dismembered in a barrel.
Queensland: each reindeer has a XXXX in their hoof, which is legal as there are no 'flying while intoxicated' laws. The elves are frying in the sun, while Mrs Clause gets her tits done.
New South Wales: Santa lubes up his sleigh for the Mardi Gras Parade, while Blitzen's coked up on the harbor scoffing seafood marinara.
ACT: Santa's sleigh is going round and round, roundabout here, roundabout there, roundabout, roundabout, roundabout, roundabout, roundabout, roundabout. Also, lots of porn and fireworks to enjoy.
Tasmania: Santa sleeps with his cousin, and all the reindeers have two heads.
Boxing Day[edit]
Australians also celebrate Boxing Day, which takes place on December 26. Although other countries like England and Canada also celebrate the holiday, their reasoning is different. They just celebrate the day after Christmas for the sake of having another day off work, whereas Aussies spend the day by participating in a country wide boxing tournament.
It begins by each state hosting their own boxing matches, with the best boxers from each state moving up to the next round. After the final round, which is often fought by a NSW crackhead and a Queensland wog, the winner is awarded a six-pack of VB, a lifetime membership with Centrelink, and one get out of jail free card.
America doesn't celebrate Boxing Day, as they instead spend the day after Christmas by having Karate Day (in the North), and Jiu-Jitsu Day (in the South) — as the word 'boxers' there means underwear.
