Elf
“Go not to the elves for council, for they will say neither yes or no; they will simply rip your legs off and use them to beat you to death — and that's if they like you.”
Elves are a race of immortal creatures, remotely related to human beings through extensive interbreeding at Agent Elrond's palace at the end of the Third Age. Their main physical differences are that they have pointy ears and get +2 to DEX, -2 to CON and a +2D6 to SEX APP, except those who fought a bit too clumsily in the Middle Ages and carry badly healed facial scars.
Elves are smaller than pixies but bigger than a breadbox. Modern elves exhibit 'Low Light Vision'.
Origin of Elves[edit]
Elves reproduce by a special form of fission called "twelving": Using a sharp, heavy instrument such as a sword or axe, the elf's mate cuts him or her in two from head to crotch. This method was famously described by William Shakespeare in "Cleaving yon Elfe in Twain"; twain-elf eventually became shortened and altered, first to twelf and then, finally, to twelve.
Humans created the word "elvish", which comes from "s'elfish", a term used to describe original commercial transactions between humans and elves.
Same as a non-blue, smallish smurf (see The Smurfs) and prevalent around Christmas Day, Elves make up the predominant population of Iceland. See for example Bjork.
Elves in Mod Society[edit]
In the sixties, the Elves were frequently allied with the Mod community, as their ancient enemies the Dwarves had allied themselves with the Rockers.
Recently, elves have been known to impersonate dwarfs in an atempt to be known as "little people" instead of midgets.
Elves in the North Pole[edit]
The Great Northern Elves or Christmas Elves are a great society of Elvi that was enslaved by a tyrant king (Klaus Nikolai) whom the elvi voted into power by mistake as they were enticed by the promise of "a glass of milk and cookie in every home". The whole populace is now laboring year round in a sweat shop at the North Pole that produces hi-tech devices for Japan and Toys-R-Us. The Christmas elves are now known by their slave name - Santa's Elves.
Elves and Vulcans[edit]
In spite of superficial similarities, the Elves and the Vulcans are mortal enemies and have been ever since Agent Elrond ordered the assassination of Ambassador Sarek in the 23rd Century.
On Earth in 25 AD, Emperor Tiberius, who was irate that more people worshiped James Tiberius Kirk more than him and that he had no Bible-bashers to fight yet, ordered the Great Nerd Purge. This ratted out Trekkies. He used to his advantage the not widely known difference between Elves and Vulcans.
Dark Elves and Romulans[edit]
Nothing is known about the relationship between dark elves (drow) and Romulans, not because the two kin have not had contact, but because nobody cares about either. However, Romulans have finer cloaks.
Elvish Language[edit]
Elves speak a language called, surprisingly, Elvish. Elves repeatedly claim that their language is full of beauty and subtlety; however, to hominid ears, every word of Elvish sounds like somebody is whispering "lthppt-thppt-thlppt-lth-lthppt-thppt-thpp-lthththppt" over and over again. The hominids' impressions were confirmed right by legendary hominid Noam Chomsky's legendary 1977 work, "Those Elves and their Silver Tongues: The Beauty Of Repetitive Whispered Thppt".
Elvish has that crazy-ass Welsh double-l sound, the hyper-alveolar laterally-transsubstantiated OMEGA Level-5 Triplex-articulated megafricative of Doom. This sound is so crazy that it has been long since been banned in all civilized countries, and now can only be found in such places as Iraq, Botswana, Bejing, Wales, Sudan, and the Klingon homeworld.
And this is why no one believes any of these groups exist, especially the Welsh.
Elven women[edit]
Elven women are a legal option for men who are normally attracted to jail bait. Elven women are wise, good warriors, and beautiful. Some elven women wear half-nude skimpy armor that for some odd reason protect them from combat this come from the fact that elven women are equip with WMD's ( Weapons of Mass Distraction) which gives them +9000 defense against all attacks, and with these weapons everyone can be defeated.