Middle Ages

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“Bring it on-eth...knave!”

~ Plankton on Medieval times

Behold ye! Over yonder; a moust Barbareck Ostra-Goth, A Righteouth Knight and thine Houliness the Poupe

Thine Medievale perioud ist thy moust peculiear parte ouf thine worldly histoury that comeths moust immediate aftaer thou Most Dark of Ageth and epochs preavious to thine Renaissance Perioud. Takinest place only in ye Jolly Olde Englande and thine Crusades, whilst thine rest ouf the wourld wouldst stillst resume the Dark Ageth until Art wath inventeth in Italy muchst laterst. Et hath beenth of moust accurate depictione in allth mannerth ouf playes, bookth, and thine sacrilegious roule-playing games.

Medieval Thymes[edit]

Ye olde gloube of Olde Euroupe circa 1490.

In pasth Medievael Tiemth, men hath alwayth dreth in full-bodice armour. Alas, they dith carry swourds moust ouf all the tyme, forsooth- and juste in caeth. The Thecond Amendment was useth liberally in thear olden dayth. The Women folkst either werst garbed wist severely revealeing leathere armour our dreth in peasanth attires ande werste hence relegateth to pickest thine kinges turniph ande suche.

Brain surgery in the 14th century.

Whilst men carrieth swourdes ats alle tymth, BEHOULD!werst thouse who wouldst choset to upgradest theire weapounries to a better versioune, leadingest to thy inventioun of thou "Pourtable Catapoult Device" which moust admittedlie wast a fictiounal weapoun. Alsou duringst this tyme werst inventeadst thine "LONGBOWE" which moust certainlie pute thouse backwardst pagan French in their place.

Duringst suche eras, twas magicianth that employeth magicks of all sorth. They werst summonth gnomes and suche, and verily struckth down thine foolish ogresth and witches that done bringeth a pox upon thine village.

Other popular occupations included:

  • Bard - A knave who doth singest his merry soungs of old herous inst the courtes of greath kinges.
  • Monk - Man claimeth God speaks to him and says liveth with nuns.
  • Noob - A complete fool who often gets killed by hordes of Evile spirits.
  • Rogue - Ratherst a scallywag that doth jumpeth thee in the woods and stolest thine purse.
  • Ranger - Ouften traveleth the woouds ande doth vanquish many a rogue in hith conquest'st.
  • Wench - An olde maiden that wath to be useth for drivings the plow on thine field suche as an oxe.
  • Witch - Cannibal Crone who liveth alone in a large cottage made witheth gingerbread.

Medieval Lifestyle[edit]

Oh I say old chap...that's not cricket.

There werth thrice types of folk in thine Medieval Engleand;

  • Thine moust typicale adventourer whom wouldst travel all ouver and gainst equipmenth offe oul sortes.
  • Twine regulare folk suche as peasantes and kinges whom wouldst stand arounde in the same spotte for the entire game.
  • And whores
  • And NOOOObs

Medieval Social Class[edit]

Human history and prehistory
before Homo (Pliocene)
Three-age system prehistory
see also: Modernity, Futurology

In ye olde Medieval times, there werth many social classe of people, thine main orderth werth

  • Chucketh Norrington - Thine kickassness-eth was thine master of God's earth-eth. A simple stareth from thine kickassness-eth wouldth freezeth ye maneth still.
  • Thine Pope - He wooud wieldeth God's power over thine populace
  • Kings - Thine royale majestys wouldth control thine populaceth's purses with thine threat of being beheadeth for those who dareth to disobeyth.
  • Knights - Thine Knights of olde were suicidith warriors who wooud kill ye for monie and werth motivated byth loyalty
  • Peasents - Ye olde peasents werth common scum whoth serveth'd ye royales for no payth.
  • Bastards - Sired byeth a Dook or Earle on wronge side of mine lady's chambres.
  • Women - Women werth ye loweth of thine social ladder. Ye women hath to be controleth by ye upper classes and hath no rites except to serveth thine husbands.


Perhapes thou moust forgottenst aspecte ouf medieval loife wast ye dungeone. Magnificente, sprawlingst workes of architecketure; these catacoumbes wouldst extendeth fore mylth belouw thine village surfaeth, in carefoully planth "floours" that werst mapth outh andst constructeth by thousands of workers, whome alle leftest withoutst bute a moust singulare noutith and werth neverst founde. Dungeonth werst ownth firthly by wealthy lande ouwnerth, whou knewst the beth plaece to keepest their wealth waes in the middle of a daerk hallwayth, ratherst thane soume mundanest loucatioun, such ath a banke.

Ine mouth medievale townth, everie singlest residentialth houth containedest an entranth to itse owne Dungeonth, whiche tendeth to extende underneathst ye entoire citie. Obviousleth, ye dungeounth werst nevere ouverlapeth. Mouste dungeounth wert poupulateth by starvingst prisonsers,rates of ye plague, and dragonth. Inst thine moust darketh timeth, ith wath theths gretheth perioud in thine moujst anthienth ith ick ack


Medievale perioud endeth at 12.00pm, 1485 in Englonde wen Dickon III killedeth by Harry Tudor frometh the rude hind quarters of Wales. Times vary in othere lands.