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'ere we go, 'ere we go, 'ere we go' . Happy crusaders on their holy way following Jesus.

“If someone strikes you on the right cheek, assemble an army and slaughter them all.”

~ Jesus

The Crusades. What do you think of when that subject comes up? A preacher in a pulpit asking his congregation to confess their sins and book a holiday in Israel?? The Salvation Army lecturing you the dangers of the demon drink??? Or a fancy dress theme 'knight' to remember where you hope to finish the evening and head out to look for trouble???? Perhaps your imagination stretches to the images of men in shining armour and flowing cloaks as they gallop over the sand chasing after fleeing foreigners and entering a harem to help themselves to Turkish delight and Egyptian belly dancers.

Well historically speaking, The Crusades was a specific time when Catholic Europeans were encouraged to emigrate to the Middle East and found a new nation dedicated to the Christian saviour. They took at least nine attempts to do this but were an eventual failure. Still hasn't stopped other people using this description to throw a silk mantle over their pet causes.


Byzantine Emperor Alexis keeps a tally of everyone who has come into his empire claiming they are there for 'crusading purposes'.

The Crusades were launched by Pope Urban II at a press conference in Clermont, France in 1095. It should have been held in Rome, but Urban preferred France as they had better food and the women were "Much more- ah, how shall we say- friendly". His home city was also full of German tourists who wanted to kill him, but that is another story (see Holy Roman Empire if you want the full gizzards).

Urban (or 'Urbane' as he is known in French) had received a scented letter from the Byzantine Emperor Alexis Skintandbrokethelotofus asking for money to bail out his lands from foreclosure from the Seljuk Turk Debt Collection Agency. Alexis said it would be the End of his Dynasty and the End of Christendom and my Contract. Perhaps because of a faulty translation or a drunk priest, the message became scrambled Jerusalem has Fallen to Islamic Fanatics. What Urban forgot to mention was that Jerusalem had been lost to the Muslims in 638 but no one had CNN in those days.

The response to this (old) news exceeded all expectations. Europeans were now told Jerusalem was a land of Milk and Honey, Ben and Jerry's, Mc and Donald and that all they needed was to follow their local religious preacher due east and the Holy Land would be liberated. Urban slapped himself on the back for coming up with an epoch making decision and guaranteeing that his encyclopedic entry in the future would be a big one.

In France, Germany, England, Belgium, Luxemburg, South America, and other places Christians who were out of work and hope, responded by stitching the new Crusade fashion-logo crosses on everything. Each country had a different coloured cross as well. The French initially sewed red crosses on white but the English claimed they had filed an earlier patent on that design, thanks to that Anglo-Saxon hero er...St.George. The French eventually went with a double cross and helix design in white on blue. The Germans chose sharp edged black crosses whilst others made it up as they went along. All agreed - Jerusalem had to be Christian again. So who were the great antagonists in all this?


Urban II urges all Christians to 'kick ass' in the Holy Land with official sanction.

The Christians traced their ownership of Jerusalem back to Jesus of Nazareth. They had a contract on the Holy Land ever since Jesus was born in in Bethlehem after the town won a competition to host his birth on a local radio station. Though Jesus's mother Mary was disqualified on a residency issue (which is why Jesus is not logically known as 'Jesus of Bethlehem'), the town welcomed his birth as it was a much needed economic boost to the mainly pastorally agricultural community . Not much is known of his early life, except for the fact that Jesus spent his youth hiding in his parents basement practicing dark magic, namely Misanthropic Luciferian Chaos Magic and exorcisms. Jesuswas also pulling rabbits out the hat but that lost story was contained in the Gospel According to David Copperfield.

This looks a good place for a picnic.

When he was 30, Jesus went around telling people that God was going to increase his TV ratings. They needed to accept this by loving each other and forgiving everybody and shit like that. Since no one important really cared about what he said, Jesus spent a lot of his time with common people telling them, “We’re all equal in the eyes of God.” He stole a goat belonging to a goat-herder by declaring that since he was the son of God, everything belonged to him. The herder (who was from a Jewish tribe) wasn't very pleased and reported him to the elders of Zion, who as we all know, control the world power, including the world power of that time, i.e. Romans and MSNBC. The Romans also feared Jesus because of his scary monster-biker friends, uncircumsized penis, and extremely oversized nutsack collectively known as "The Jew Baiter". (Jesus always knew how to make cool pals.)

Jesus' publicity campaign backfired when he was arrested and crucified by Roman soldiers on demand of the Jews. The Roman Governator Pontius Arnold Pilate tried to palm off responsibility to the Jewish leader Herod Antipas but in the end had ordered Jesus to be nailed up on the planks to mark the start of Passover.

Three days after his crucifixion Jesus was found by his followers, apparently alive, quite (undead actually) and told them that crucifixion sucked(literally), and that if they wanted eternal life, he would have to bite them and they would have to drink his blood. He also told them that his death was part of God’s plan and that they should spread God’s words and the hope of life after death by infecting as many mortals as possible with this gift. In the meantime Jerusalem became a pagan town and Christians were mocked in all the pagan comedy clubs.

Christianity finally got back to Jerusalem with the help of Emperor Constantine the Great. The city was dug up to look for the spot where Jesus was killed (well not really of course). A church was built on the site and the city became thoroughly christianised. Churches, chapels, prayer halls, parking lots were all turned over to God. The good times (for Christians) lasted for another 300 years until a new religion came on the scene.


Mohammed's first battle flag. Later modified due to French copyrights.

In contrast to Christians, the Muslims claimed they owned Jerusalem as their prophet Mohammed had ridden a magic horse all the way to the Temple Mount and had jumped off into the sky to meet God. This remarkable event had happened when the Byzantines controlled the city but no one mentioned seeing any 'suicidal horse jockeys' at the time.

Mohammed had been born in Mecca in 570. Whereas Jesus waited until he was 30 to start his christian mission, Mohammed had idled about for another 10 years before starting out on his religious awakening. He had tried a number of jobs, allegedly it was said as a weapons trader and soft fruit smuggler but got lucky and married a rich widow. Perhaps getting bored and wondering if that was all he needed to do in life, Mohammed decided to do some rock climbing outside the city in 610 and claimed to have met the Angel Gabriel in a cave. He was looking for someone to take down dictation as God wanted to update his message to humanity. This document is known as The Qu’ran.

Mohammed returned to the city and began to urge his fellow Meccans to turn away from bingo and belly dancing and look to God for the answer. Instead of random numbers and lubricating oils, God's answer as delivered via Mohammed looked a bit crap to the Meccans so they told Mohammed to leave town if he wanted to keep his knee caps. The budding prophet was given plane tickets for him and his family, friends and servants. Knowing they were illiterate, the travel tickets were made out to to fly to Las Vegas but the plane crashed outside Medina. This journey is called the Hijra

Once in Medina (then called Yahooville), Mohammed's group grew to such a big size that they needed to expand. By now Mecca was 'gamed out' and Mohammed returned back a hero. He destroyed the gambling clubs and launched Islam. It was around this time that he also popped over to Jerusalem as had hoped to persuade the Jews that he was their Messiah but they said that Mohammed was wrong as he won too easily. A true Messiah would have to suffer a lot more for his religion.

Following the brush off Mohammed went ahead and started to trade his new Monotheistic religion as the 'final answer to the last question' on the issue of what God Really Really Wanted. There were just Five Pillars or steps to learn:-

  • Mohammed has got the final message.
  • Allah lives alone. He goes on to the internet sometimes.
  • Men can have up to four wives. Women can have four cats.
  • Make a pilgrimage to Disneyland every year. Don't drink on the plane.
  • Google Earth is an untrustworthy source of information.

Jerusalem was deemed the Third Holy city after Medina and Mecca. Next year Dubai hopes to replace one of those three soon. When Mohamed died his followers went on to conquer half of the known world to get over it. Jerusalem was taken and a mosque built in the shape of a horse trampoline to mark Mohamed's celestial jumping off point.


Who? Not important. The pro-Israel lobby in the USA was very weak at this time.

The Eternal Salvation for a Cross or the Triple Back[edit]

'I can confirm. God can absolve your sins but Persil will wash away the blood'.

What Pope Urban had discovered that if you offered anyone salvation, they would just about kill everyone in the name of Jesus Christ. Fornicate like a rabbit today but if you took the cross and said your prayers without cursing, then God would let you into heaven. Sign or leave your handprint there. It was a fantastic scheme and the Holy Land looked like a lovely sunny place compared to the compounded houses of crap built in Europe at this time.

If you joined in a crusade you get for free a nice cross to put in your hearth, if you have the cross a Muslim or a Jew can kill you everywhere and you may get eaten by a Grue. If you were a crusader you can get the eternal salvation granted by god or just burn in hell for a while. Most people chose to burn in Hell as it was a wicked cool party spot.

In 1291 the last crusader outposts in the Holy Land were uprooted and their settlements destroyed (payback time!). There were some other crusades against pagans in the Baltic, the Turks when they crossed into Eastern Europe and the on-going crusade in Spain against the Moors (finished in 1492) but none of these were connected with retaking Jerusalem. Later crusades were about alcohol and sin. Former US President George Dubya Bush brought it back to the original intention in 2001 with the War Against Turbans.

Military Monastic orders[edit]

'Look, I told you never to play darts with the Hospitallers'. A Teutonic Knight admonishes a Templar who has taken one for his team.

Once the Holy Land had been reclaimed for Christian Power, the authorities realized they needed more than travel agents and representatives to keep the Muslims out. But as this was also Christ's Own Land, the new policing powers would have to combine piety, cruelty and business acumen. What was needed would be holy men who could pack a mighty punch: Step forward the Military Monastic Orders, men (and we are talking of blokes here only) who would combine piety and skull splitting in equal measure. It was an ingenious combination.

The first recruits tended to be filthy old hermits or traffic wardens but once these new 'military orders' got their uniforms and benefices, and special zero tax status, the quality of the recruits eventually rose. So in this fashion emerged the Knights Templar, the Knights of St.John (also called the Hospitallers as they were originally incompetent medical students) and finally the Teutonic Knights, a German male member-only order. For the more fashion conscious, there were also the Knights in White Satin.

The one 'MMO' everyone wanted to join were the Knights in White Satin . They were difficult to locate as their head office was located in a wardrobe round the back of the Church of the Holy Lion in Narnia Street. A contemporary chronicler of the time who was in the Holy Land to sell concert tickets said these Knights were the 'hardest, toughest but most tender of all Christian soldiers, who always respected women. There was an attempt to set up a military order for nuns by Queen Eleanor of France (and then later England). There were called the 'Chaste Chevaliers of Madonna' and wore iron conical bras to scare the Muslin enemy. However they were suppressed by their brother military orders who found them a 'battlefield distraction'.

Knights Templar[edit]

An armored Crusader posing happily with the head of a Saracen warrior he just killed.

The Knights Templar were founded in the AD 1118 to protect the caravans of cardinals trying to take, sorry, pray at the Holy Land. The Templars got their name as they liked Simon Templar, a resident DJ at Club Dogma (Edinburgh), as he played bangin' techno music, and bore an uncanny resemblance to Roger Moore. Once you joined the Templars, you were barred from entertaining women and were expected to 'whip your physical desires out' every Friday. Since they wore a red cross on a white shirt, the Templars laundry bills were therefore vast.

An alternative to physically abusing yourself was to go and attack any 'uppity' Muslims, Jews or non-Catholic Christians who got in your way. Later on it was claimed the Templars worshiped a bat called Baphomet. This at least was the allegation once some Templars confessed to later when the Inquisition held their genitals over an open hearth fire. When the Holy Land was eventually lost to the Muslims, the Templars were blamed for taking more interest in business rather than war. The Templars didn't care too much because they were rich, had a huge army and only the big-bad pope could tell them what to do. King Philip IV of France asked to see their accounts and when the Templars declined, Philip ran off and pouted really loudly in front of the Pope Benedict XI. When the pouting provided futile, Benedict XI made the common mistake of drinking a whole bunch of poison (sometimes that sorta thing just happens). After that totally legit death, Philip IV went and found himself a brand new Pope Clement V (who was living in France under a false passport). After Clement's arm was twisted into the shape of a pretzel, he decided that the Templars had actually been heretics after all. Philip then secretly sent out military hit-squads that captured most of the order on Friday 13th October 1307, and presumably wrote the scripts to the films afterwards.

Unluckily for Philip he couldn't find all the lovely Templar riches, as they had been moved just before the attack. Instead he took all their land even though he was supposed to give. Those Templars who did escaped then brought down Philip's home website by spamming it with lots of little red crosses, this caused the french servers to overheat and burnt Clement V(who was system admin as well as Pope) and his house to the ground. When even this didn't stop the French king, a Templar broke his vows on bestiality and dressed up as a wild boar to gore Philip to death at the pig racing derby. But it was too late. The Templars were 14th century fish and chip paper.

Some Facts about Templars[edit]

  • They rode in pairs on horses as they liked performing acrobatic stunts before battle.
  • The Illuminati are really Templars.
  • Leonardo da Vinci liked bats.
  • Confiscated Templar treasure help fund Charles De Gaulle's nuclear weapons programme.
  • They didn't wear anything underneath their tunics.
  • They drove purple pimpmobiles into battle.
  • Masons are Templars but not vice versa.
  • Templars are the guardians of the Holy Trousers.
  • They all played D&D and World of Warcraft, along with other Satanic stuff.
  • James Bond is a lapsed Templar. His weakness for gin and women forced him to leave.
  • It's possible the George Bush was a templar.
Teutonics owning the Hospitallers.

Knights Hospitallers[edit]

The Knights of St.John were created before the Templars in 1111 (all the ones). They were called also the Knights Hospitaller as they liked to hang around the beds of dying pilgrims to make them change their wills in favour of the church. The only ones get a nice black robe with a white cross, symbol of: "We aren't Templars. If you do not say than we are better than Templars, we will not save you from Muslims, n00B pilgrim!".

The 'Medical Boys' as they were also called liked to wind up the notoriously staid Templars. They would mix severed fingers in the Templars soup or test their rivals vows of sanctity by slipping in a few naked nurses into the dormitories to see how far the 'Temps' could maintain their vows.

When the Holy Land was lost, the Hospitallers sneaked into Rhodes and grabbed power. A couple of centuries later they were forced to move by the Turks and bought Malta from Spain. Whilst the Templars had gone into banking, the Hospitallers became 'Ship Inspectors', one that involved confiscating the crews and their cargo if they were not Christians 'for the cause'.

Facts about the Knights Hospitallers[edit]

  • They were actually worse than the Templars, but claim to be better than Templars.
  • Actually, they are a bunch of bishops and politicians.
  • They cut the heads of the Templars (when no one was watching).
  • They copied the colours of the Teutonics and reversed them. n00bz!
  • They were allergic to top hats.
  • Their ambulance service are excellent at treating injured knights and sick horses.
  • Senior managers in the Order are allowed three assistants to attend their many needs.
  • These are not specified.

Teutonic Knights[edit]

The Teutonic Knights were created during the Third Crusade by Germans ashamed their army had bollocksed up letting their leader Emperor Frederick Barbarossa go for a lengthy swim in a full suit of armour.

Their order was only open to 'German' or 'German-looking' men. They lived on a diet of sweaty sausage and strong mustard. The Teutonic Knights wore white with an Age of Empires menace of a black jagged cross. The Teutonic Knights presence in the Holy Land forced even the Templars and Hospitallers to forget their mutual hatred and turn their scorn on these upstarts.

The Teutonic Knights were asked to hand in their manual How to Tell a Terrorist from a Muslim to one that read How to Tell a Terrorist from a Pagan. Pope Innocent III suggested that the Teutonics should look for enemies elsewhere. They eventually move to the Baltic and get to work on the local pagan tribes. The Order does very well at first and includes the Russians (Schismatics!) on the list of enemies they won't need papal permission to bash. The Teutonic Knights develop a reputation for merciless revenge and attract other christian warriors to join them. However when in 1387 their main enemy the pagan Lithuanian Grand Duchy converts to christianity and joins Poland in a marital alliance, the knights lose their main customer (for strikes against the head). Where now can these soldiers go on crusade? A Polish-Lithuanian army provides an answer by killing many of them in 1410 at the Battle of Grunwald. The Teutonic Knights struggle on for another 115 years until one of its Grand Masters declares himself Duke of Prussia and placed a spikey crown on his head.

Facts about the Teutonic knights[edit]

Even the heroic Nazis took part in what came to be known as "The Jerusalem Putsch"
  • They were Teutonic.
  • They were Knights.
  • They were German (no Hitler)
  • Only Germans were allowed to be Teutonic Knights (German racism strikes again!)
  • They were used as propaganda for Nazi Germany yet oppressed by the same regime (two-faced bastards)
  • They claimed to be Templars and Hospitallers.
  • They claimed to have the "St.Paul hospital".
  • They wore super strange retarded wings and horns on their helmets. (Satanist heretics!!!)
  • They were duffed up by Poles.
  • They were all ex power rangers.
  • Although many were furious soldiers, they could only say "THE POWER OF CHRIST!!!" with three exclamation marks!!!
  • Presently, Angela Merkel is considered to be the last remaining Teutonic Knight alive today.

Other Orders[edit]

The Barron Knights: Worst troubadours in Christendom.

There were the bed hopping Knights in White Satin and the Barron Knights, a particular poor order who specialised in unfunny musical mickey takes. One shouldn't forget either the Knights of the Coffee Table, the Knights of the Square Peg and the Knights of No Fixed Abode, otherwise known as the Knights of the Road. We remember them, even if no one else does.

The Orders Today[edit]

The Templars are now an 'invisible order' (like the Ku Klux Klan) so they can be anyone or no one. The Hospitallers are still around, mainly made up of white middle-aged men who were just a little too bored for their own good. The Teutonic Knights later became the SS.

A Crusade App Version to Download[edit]

There were ten official Crusades between 1095 and 2003. Some received Papal backing/sponsorship, others relied on national leaders to get their women folk to sew crosses on their surcoats and abstain from sex whilst on active duty. Most missed the Holy Land by some considerable margin, ending up in Constantinople, Alexandria, Tunis and er...St.Tropez.

Year Crusade Number Image Holy Objective Leaders What Happened? Result Who got screwed??
1096 Zero Crusade.
Jerusalem. Peter the Hermit, Walter the Penniless, Self-catering Christians. More of a mob than an army. Failure! Everyone dies except Peter the Hermit. Very convenient. He later turns up outside Antioch to join the First Crusade. Muslims Win! Byzantine Greeks, Jews, Anyone who looked loaded.
1099 First Crusade.
Jerusalem. Robert Duke of Normandy, Geoffrey Duke of Bouillion, Raymond Count of Toulouse, Baldwin of Flanders, Bohemond of Mafia (Sicily). The Holy City Taken! Lot of blood shed. Bells rung, new real estate claimed for God. Relics found en route are a rack of Holy Spears in Antioch. Christians Win! Jews, Muslims.
1101 First Crusade (Millennium Edition: 1.5).
Peterhermit01.jpg wait..where's Wally? Stephen Duke of Blois, Anslem 'Fighting Bishop' of Milan. Others who missed the First Crusade. Disaster! No one knows where they are going. Byzantines blamed for supplying bad maps. Muslims Win! The crusaders themselves. Very few make it back, thank god.
1147 Second Crusade.
Edessa (where's that?) and then Damascus. King Louis VII of France, wife Queen Eleanor. King Conrad II of Germany and King of the Romans. Fiasco! Conrad goes down with food poisoning in Turkey. Eleanor dresses like an amazon, baring her breasts to the enemy. Louis sulks, starts divorce proceedings. Edessa remains lost but Lisbon gained in compensation. This is thanks to a fleet of English and Flemish crusaders who drop by in Portugal and are encouraged to help the ruler there Duke Henry to capture Lisbon from the Muslims. These particular crusaders are happy with the loot and return home, their crusader vows fulfilled. Where's Edessa again? Draw! Jews (in Germany). Muslims in Portugal.
1189 Third Crusade.
Jerusalem (lost in 1187 to Saladin). King Richard the Lionheart of England, Holy Roman Emperor Frederick Barbarossa, King Philip II of France. Dismal! Frederick drowns in Turkey (not a very Christian-holiday friendly country). Richard and Philip argue about their economic credit ratings. The French leave, it's England alone against the Muslims. Richard wants to get back to England quickly, leaves army behind. Foolish move. Muslims Win! Jews in England. Richard the Lionheart for losing his Crusading Immunity Status in Austria. England for paying a ransom to Germany.
1202 Fourth Crusade (Death to Schismatics edition).
Jerusalem then Constantinople as it was cheaper to get to. Count Baldwin of Flanders, Doge Enrico Dandolo of Venice. 1st Sponsored Crusade by Pope Innocent III Oops! Crusade diverted from Jerusalem and told to sail to Constantinople to refuel on holy zeal. Venetian credit cards swallowed by broke Greek banks so the crusaders sack the Byzantine capital. Pope Innocent sent message that the sponsorship deal was off and told the crusaders to take off the Papal logo. Too late. 800 years later John-Paul II had to apologise to the Greeks in person. Christians (Catholic) Win! The Byzantines. Served them right for being schismatic sneaks on earlier crusades.
1209 Albigensian Crusade (Death to Heretics edition).
Toulouse Simon De Montfort Senior, King Philip II of France, King Louis VIII of France. 2nd Sponsored Crusade by Pope Innocent III. Fire! First the Greeks and now the Southern French for breaking away from the Catholic church. This crusade lasts 20 years as luggage lost in the baggage hall. Christians (Catholic) Win! Southern French, troubadours, heretics, non-smokers, vegans, virgins.
1212 Children's Crusade (Junior Edition).
Jerusalem, X-Box, Playstation, Plasma TV. A German kid called Nick and a French urchin known as Stephan. Slavery! Kiddie crusaders Nick and Stephan agree to conquer the world for free games and hamburgers. Unable to get their shit together (their parents hide their trainers), the two boys lead separate armies of children towards to where they think the Holy Land is. Nick's boy soldiers are eaten in Italy by starving peasants whilst in France Stephan's gang are sold off as slaves in Marseilles. Stephan also claims he has a letter from Jesus outlining how to crash Muslim-run websites. Last seen looking for trolls in Cannes. Children Haters Win! The Kids on the Street. Save the Children.
1217 Fifth Crusade (Part 1:In Search for Salvation).
Jerusalem and Egypt (looked a good place to add to the trip list). King Andrew of Hungary, Duke Leopold of Austria, Eustace of Boulogne. Diversion? A reboot of the original series that had 'lost its way' after the Third Crusade, the warriors for Christ could walked right into Jerusalem as the Muslims had demolished the walls. But that's too easy. So the crusaders invade Egypt but forget to pack enough provisions. However the Muslims mess up too and lose the port of Damietta to the crusader army. Christians Win! A rare mess-up by the Muslims in Egypt. The crusaders have a city and can come back anytime. Jerusalem forgotten in the excitement.
1221 Fifth Crusade (Part 2:Stuck in the Nile).
Cairo King John Brienne of Jerusalem, Pelagius (Papal envoy), Earl of Chester (England) and St. Francis of Assisi. Flood! Crusaders with a large English contingent arrive. Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II expected but a no show. English leave after a bout drinking the local water leaves them with 'gippy tummies'. St.Francis departs when the Egyptian Sultan declines to 'do a Constantine'. Decision to attack Cairo but army gets lost and surrenders. Give up Damietta to get out of Egypt. Muslims Win! Egyptian locals. The Crusaders buggered up the local harvests.
1228 Sixth Crusade (Excommunicated Edition).
Jerusalem Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II of Germany. Success! Frederick in sole command of this crusade, no more sharing with other kings, crackpots, religious loons or gangsters. The Muslims hand over Jerusalem without a fight. Frederick crowns himself King of Jerusalem as Pope Gregory IX had already excommunicated the emperor (i.e. changed his pin number) for not going on the Fifth Crusade. No pleasing a pope! Christians Win! Those crusaders who believed they had to kill Muslims to get into heaven.
1248 Seventh Crusade (Egyptian Gold Edition).
Jerusalem (Lost in 1244 over a disputed restaurant bill) via Egypt (Again!) King Louis IX of France. Captured! Emperor Frederick tells everyone that he has 'done with crusading for now'. King Louis of France volunteers and lands in Egypt. French try and find the rest of the country (without maps) and are surrounded. Louis IX and others ransomed. Rest killed or enslaved. Muslims Win! Louis IX but he takes the setback as part of God's plan.
1270 Eighth Crusade (Plague on you Christian dogs edition).
Jerusalem via Tunis, Egypt etc..etc.. King Louis IX of France. King Charles I of Sicily. Disease! The Crusader states were fast shrinking and Louis wanted to prove that he could recapture Jerusalem. His brother Charles fooled his saintly brother that if they took Tunis it would be couscous all the way to Jerusalem. Muslims Win! Louis as he died in Tunis. Sainted by the Catholic Church for not getting within 200 miles of Jerusalem! Very funny!!
1271 Ninth Crusade (Collectors edition).
Jerusalem or anywhere in the area. King Charles I of Sicily, Prince Edward of England. The French and Sicilians leave Tunis and join the English in the Holy Land, skipping Egypt this time. The Muslims led by former slave Baibars Not-An-Elephant. Some victories but Jerusalem too far to get to. Charles suggests they sack Constantinople again on the return journey but Edward goes back to England when he receives news that his father King Henry III has died. Last major crusade with the ambition to retake Jerusalem. Edward takes back some lessons in brutality from Baibars and tries that out on the Welsh, Scots and traitors. Draw! The crusaders still hanging on to their castles and towns in the Holy Land. They lose the lot by 1291.
2001 Tenth Crusade (Weapons Upgrade Edition).
Baghdad, Kabul, Islamabad, Tehran, Tripoli (Libya), Damascus.(add next country of choice) George Bush II, Commander-President of America. Anthony Blair of Great Britain, others. The Americans and British take Kabul (2001), Baghdad (2003, Tripoli (2011). Islamabad declares 'support' for the Allies. Inconclusive! The Tenth Crusade due to end in 2014 when the USA and Great Britain file for bankruptcy.

The following Crusades are classified as rip-offs, fakes etc.[edit]

Year Crusade Number Image Holy Objective Leaders What Happened? Result Who got screwed??
1365 The Commercial Gain Crusade. Image Alexandria King Peter of Cyprus, Knights of St.John, Venetians. Success! Alexandria wasted, permanently. So a victory if total destruction was the intention. Christians win. Muslims, civilisation, books.
1396 The Complete Balls Up Crusade. Image Nicopolis (where?) King Sigismund of Hungary, John the Fearless, Duke of Burgundy, Assorted others. Bloody Shambles. English invited but failed to turn up (no reason given). Burgundians try to run the crusade and charge at the Battle of Nicopolis without waiting for anyone else. Sigismund flees by boat. John captured and ransomed for an enormous amount. Rest of army killed and impaled! Muslim Turks Win! Byzantines (again), Bulgarians, Serbs, Greeks.
1939-1945 The Holocaust. Image Europe. Adolf Hitler. Europe lost most of its Jews, allies beat Nazis before it done its job! Allies win! 6,000,000+ Jews, gypsies, slavs, film extras.

Recent Crusades[edit]

Harrison Ford and Sean Connery led the Last Crusade to find the Holy Grail. The film finale should have been in Jerusalem but Steven Spielberg changed that to a desert location.

See also[edit]