Knights of Columbus

KofC refers to these Knights. KFC is the chicken joint.

The Knights of Columbus are a Catholic men's service organization that reliable sources like Wikipedia report is not a good place to practice butt sex because of the preponderance of phobia.

Controversy

The Knights promote the Catholic view on public policy issues like abortion and sex changes, even though it would be more wholesome if a Catholic fraternal organization adopted an arm's-length approach to Catholicism. Worst of all, the organization spent at least $15 million on lobbying, indicating that they not only hold beliefs common to Catholics but try to get something done about them.

The Knights also own an insurance company that has issued more than $100 billion of life insurance, as well as the Knights of Columbus Asset Advisors, a money management firm, as though they were Jews instead. The Knights have over 300 councils on college campuses to spread their subversive views to the momentarily uneducated.

Membership in the Knights is restricted to Catholic adult males. Women may become "Columbiettes" (though they may also become Stepford Wives), boys may join the Columbian Squires, young boys may join the Columbian Toddlers, and goths may join the Columbine militia (or some other one). Girls may, well, play with dolls, I don't know.

History

The Knights were founded in 1882 as a mutual benefit society for working-class and immigrant Catholics in the United States. Priest Michael McGivney founded the group and named it for Christopher Columbus who — although he would be an immigrant to any of the islands and continents he discovered, if he had stuck around on any of them — did not and was not; and spending years on your yacht is not exactly working-class fare.

Interestingly, McGivney insisted until his death-bed that he had instead named the organization for Columbus, Georgia to honor the Southern city's surfeit of phobia for non-Catholic notions.

In the 1920s, the Knights published books to counter animus targeted at racial and religious minorities. Its best-seller, Black Folks Aren't All That Bad, and follow-on books about Germans, left-handers, and pimple-poppers, out-sold even comparable self-published tomes such as the one by Calvin Coolidge claiming he was "not a bad President."

Rival religious organization the Ku Klux Klan promoted the view that the Knights were out to exterminate Freemasons and Protestants. The Knights successfully asserted that killing a few of their leaders hardly qualified as extermination, and the Klan stopped making its claims.

In 1969, the Knights opened a 23-story headquarters in New Haven to continue the narrative that it was an innocent insurance company rather than a subversive Catholic social organization. It fortified this cover by having its 24-member Board of Directors vote to pay each other outrageous salaries.

In the "woke" era of the 2020s, when Christopher Columbus and his achievements fell out of favor, the organization renamed itself the Knights of Savannah and set up shell corporations to contain its massive financial empire.

Degrees

The Knights have more heraldry and regalia than Uncyclopedia itself. The Knights comprise four different "degrees," each of which exemplifies one of the Knights' four core principles:

1. Don't take it up the butt
2. Don't claim you are a woman
3. Be a good doo-bee
4. Don't vote in a Democrat primary election.

Assemblies may form color guards, which are often the most visible arm of the Knights, to attend important civic and church events, though they are less frequently invited to parades than brightly costumed Gay Pride dancers.