Sex change

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Are you an Arthur a Martha or a Lee?

Sex change is a process by which a person changes sex – that is, by which female characteristics are substituted for male ones, or vice versa. Sex changes may be natural, as in hermaphrodism, inadvertent, such as in weightlifting, or political. Politically motivated sex change usually involves sex reassignment therapy, often including surgery.

Sex change often covers the medical procedures applied to intersexual people, and the broader process of changing role (such as men who "live as a woman," despite the horror of others in the same bath-house). The term may also be applied to those that just wake up one morning a different sex.

People who think that "sex" is a naughty word may set their sights lower and set out merely to achieve gender change, which often involves no object sharper than an accent.

Natural sequential hermaphrodism

In males

Both male and female fitness freaks strive for that Sly Stallone look, the point at which gender is no longer valid or useful.

Body building, weight training or other similar fitness regimes carried out excessively, causes natural sequential hermaphrodism in the subject. Regardless of the subject's gender on joining the local gym, the end result is a genderless human. The patient's chief remaining sexual attraction is to body shape and look — mainly their own. In these cases, a sex change is a normal anatomical and psychological process rather than surgical, if you ignore the tattooing. Males start looking at themselves in the mirror as much as females. They spend an equal amount of income, time and research on clothes, tanning salons and beauty products. The male also tends towards passive-aggressive comments about the looks of other males, and idolization of their own toned, sculpted, tattooed bodies.

In females

Females, like their male counterparts, start work on building and toning muscle, until the full transformation from Scarlett Johansson, to Sylvester Stallone is complete. Tattoos also play a large part of the female-to-male natural sex change, making it almost impossible to tell the gender of the bodybuilder at the conclusion of the process. Like the male, the female tends to self-obsession. However, unlike the male, the female becomes less interested in beauty products and more interested in hot hatchbacks and boxing.

In the middle

As males move towards abject vanity and females move away from it, a no-holds-barred competitive drive — from Stallone to the full Schwarzenegger — often requires hormonal or steroidal treatment. Such drugs induce breasts in men and beards in women, desirably leaving only token cosmetic differences, which can be concealed using token cosmetics.

The best way to identify the gender of unisex individuals used to be to check for an Adam’s apple. However, a modern multi-gym now has a section that can tone anyone's Adam's apple too. Today, unfortunately, the only sure way to see through hermaphrodites is to strike up a conversation with them. Despite the well-documented difficulties communicating with the obsessive unisex personality, females as a rule of thumb do tend to talk about beer and guns and are significantly less pretentious than their L’Oreal/Kappa/S-Works-obsessed male counterparts.

Natural sex change

Cerebral electrical activity monitoring shows males favour the left hemisphere, whereas females favour the right. Studies show the left side of the brain deals with procreation, maintenance, navigation and sport viewing. The left hemisphere also has perfect recall of Bruce Willis quotes and the ability to interpret maps. The right side of the brain deals mainly with family planning, health and beauty and social media. From fifty yards, the male can estimate the right size of wrench, and the bra size of the girl with the best rack-of-ribs in Sales, with laser precision; whereas the male partner of the sales girl with a 38D chest is entirely satisfied with the physical and peer-group aspects of the relationship, she has plastered all over Facebook what she really hopes to achieve with that gorilla she's going out with. In the case of sex changing, the subject possess male appearance and aptitudes early on, then progresses towards feminine appearance and aptitudes later.

Employment and lifestyle triggered sex change

Rigger Tony is technically female, but construction workers often won't acknowledge this and may turn aggressive if asked about their sexuality — even after lending you their lip balm.

In contrast to fitness-related sex change in the direction of hermaphrodism, work and lifestyle choices can induce a change to the opposite sex. The subject's main area brain activity actually swaps hemispheres, indicating a change of sex. Professional footballers (soccer players) are the most obvious sufferers of this condition — as their line of work physically scrambles the cerebrum — but the vast majority of work-related natural sex changes are amongst Western construction workers and crane operators, both on- and offshore.

These transformations, initially ascribed to a hormone deficiency, we now know are triggered by chap-flicks, men's health and fashion magazines, peer related ego-boosting, and the constant bombardment of “hero-rock" played at the training centers and in the work site.

The most noticeable trait of employment-based sex change is hypochondria and hypersensitivity. A small finger cut during training used to elicit a shrug from the casualty, pleased to have employment and show toughness and resilience to peers. However, should a fully qualified construction worker break a nail, the casualty requires a complete emergency response including full helicopter evacuation. As the casualty is loaded into the helicopter, the Village People sing Macho Man over the Tannoy. The crowd of colleagues applaud as the casualty is whisked away to the nail-salon.

Unlike intensive fitness, women rarely suffer from sex change at the workplace. This is why females are worth their weight in gold as supervisors, as no construction worker is going to be called a girl — not even by a girl.

Unsolicited sex change

Unsolicited sex changes are probably the most distressing. You take this absolute beauty to bed for rampant sex, but in the morning you discover she has turned into a bloke.

Sudden sex change can happen overnight. These cases are almost always from female to male. They often occur in the Far East but also occasionally in Europe, the U.S., and many other ports where shore leave is scheduled. Most reports of overnight sex change do not come from the patient but from the partner. Equally strange, the partner is almost always a male in his late teens or early twenties, pursuing a one-night stand during a stag weekend or twenty-first birthday celebration.

Studies show that such sex changes have certain prerequisites — all occurring to the partner and none to the victim. The phenomenon usually occurs late at night or early hours of the morning, and when the male partner is inebriated. The "female" is usually inexplicably taller and broader than the young male and puts up little or no resistance, leading to obvious fantasies of bedding down an Amazon. Scientists are still examining whether the sex change from female to male the next morning, which extends to anatomy, is in sympathy to the male partner. Unfortunately, the event often goes unreported, as the male, ignorant of the potential of Medicine to help him, suspects his partner might have been a man all along, and rarely cooperates with the clinical interview.

Politically motivated sex change

Unlike the working environment, which favors male-to-female sex changing, politics is the main trigger for female-to-male sex change, primarily instigated by the women's liberation and feminist movement.

This should remove any remaining questions.

Feminism ostensibly promotes equal political, economic, cultural, personal, and social rights for women, including equal opportunities for women in education and employment. Feminists support the right of females to be the same as males in just about every regard, including the right to look and act like a man, although that was legal to begin with, as evidenced by the Susan B. Anthony dollar coin.

Oddly, feminists never campaigned for males to become less masculine at the same time; if they had, progress would have been twice as fast and half the effort. In fact, modern feminists obviously believe that male is preferable, and indigenous males have the unfair advantage of being male without surgery (ignoring the piercings, tattoos, etc. etc.) and need government restrictions to level the "playing field."

Adding to the confusion, many feminists proclaim a deep hatred for males, yet their physical appearance is always masculine; a Bull Dyke rarely actually resembles a bull. The archetypal feminist abandons her bra, wears filthy dungarees, sports a crew cut, and never shaves her legs. Technically, feminism is itself a sex change and not a political movement.

Androphilia and gynephilia

Orientation table.png

Androphilia and gynephilia are terms used in behavioral science to describe sexual orientation. They are an alternative to the simpler concepts of homosexual and heterosexual, even though the latter quickly alerts the practitioner to come up with some other reason why the patient could benefit from therapy.

Androphilia describes sexual attraction to men or masculinity; gynephilia describes the sexual attraction to women or femininity. These terms, which assume that there is something inherent about maleness or femaleness causing positive reaction, helpfully avoid the judgement of "right" or "wrong." This means that the terms don't cause offence, nor make subject angry when asked to clarify it.

Androphilia/gynephilia are key during natural sex changes, as they remain constant throughout the sex change.

Identifying a person's "gender of attraction" — while dancing around issues of personality and maladjustment — avoids the bias inherent in Western concepts of sexuality, and avoids drama when describing sexuality in cultures such as construction, reality TV stardom and non-contact sport. A "Hollywood" site-foreman or professional footballer, with their bleached teeth and hair gel, is psychologically female but they portray attraction to women (at least in front of peers). As their sexual orientation remains within the gynephilia spectrum, they demand to be classified as heterosexual, despite being homosexual.

In a discussion of homosexuality, sexologist Magnus Hirschfeld divided men into three groups:

  • L'Orealophiles, who are most attracted to beauty products
  • Beiberphiles, who are most attracted to camp twinks
  • Hairdressophiles, who are males who drive white cabriolets.

Hirschfeld considers L'Orealophilia "common and nonpathological, with Beiberphiles and Hairdressophiles each making up about 45% of the homosexual population."

When it comes to homosexuality in women, Hirschfield is yet to come up with any categories, but continues to study female/female sexual acts on a daily basis. In a recent documentary, the sexologist insists daily examination of intimate feminine gynephilia is required to achieve a full and accurate understanding of lesbian acts. Despite his advancing years, battling increased arthritis and rheumatism in his right wrist, as well as failing eyesight, a tired but upbeat Professor Hirschfield expects this study will take him to retirement age and beyond; but is prepared to make the sacrifice to advance the scientific knowledge of female-female copulation.

Transgender personality types


LGBT or GLBT is an initialism that stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender, or gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender, revealing an inner struggle to "put ladies first". It is not to be confused with the savoury BLT. The phrase LGBT has come about through another type of natural sex change under a group heading. Whereas the discussion has focused on gender reassignment of individuals, LBGT represents a cultural change in sexual orientation, based on acceptance.

In the past, homosexuals were known as poofs or queers. As time and tolerence progressed, they became known as the Gay Community. Eventually, this will change again because, if there is authentic tolerance, society may become able to actually state what it is describing.

As homosexuality has gained popularity, many felt that "gay" was too tied to the theatre and wasn't cool enough for the newly emerging (from the closet) homosexuality trend, so LBGT was adopted. Today many societies see LBGT representing the pinnacle of modern vogue and tolerence. Cities such as London and Sydney are described as gay as well as being full of homosexuals, as is the entire state of California.


Amanda Seyfried and Megan Fox struggle for air in this career-boosting encounter.

Bi-sexuality encompasses the idea of multiple short-term sex changes. It is not progressive or genetic, but is a work-related or even a publicity-motivated sex change.

Bi-sexuality was invented by actress Jodie Foster, to keep ahead of Emma Thompson and Jennifer Connelly when her looks started to fade post-Silence of The Lambs. It is now a regular strategy used by attractive Hollywood actresses to “get the edge” over other attractive Hollywood actresses in the constant battle to catch the eye of any chimp-brained males not safely hooked on pornography.

The elite Hollywood cast of female employees is entirely based on perceived attractiveness — perception being malleable through public-opinion campaigns. For example, Wynona Ryder, Julianne Moore and Helena Bonham Carter were all on the A-list of Hollywood babes in their day. However, without their fame, any of these actresses spotted in the Dartford ASDA purchasing Carlsberg Export and cheddar cheese on a Wednesday afternoon would be described as “bloody rough.” It would take the average male a strong double shot before even asking for a phone number.

Today’s female Hollywood elite have an even greater challenge. Science has the ability to create generic “attractive” Hollywood actresses such as Amber Heard, Cate Blanchett, and Drew Barrymore by growing cultures in Petri dishes, hydroponics, specialist feeds, surgery, tablets, and bottles. This has made it tough for the genetically, rather than organically, produced actresses to be singled out as especially attractive to the type of males they find repulsive.

Presenting the average pick-up-driving redneck with even the potential of a threesome with Jodie Foster and Megan Fox — however unlikely — bi-sexuality has achieved a multi-million-dollar extension to Foster's acting career, easily worth an occasional bit of carefully publicized short-term sex changing for the lesbian fantasy-based fan base.


Main article: Alan Alda
Metrosexual Bert is a homosexuality fanboy, and could be described as a bit gay, but he's not a homosexual, as he does not relish the idea of a pair of thick, hairy arms around him.

A metrosexual is a man who has no sexuality issues, but believes he would be more fashionable if he had a few. They may include shaving more than just the face, exfoliating/waxing, and having absurdly large collections of shoes. Almost indistinguishable from the natural sex-changing homosexual, metrosexuality is really a type of male bi-sexuality, insofar as it is a statement to gain popularity in a gay city. They are categorized above at Androphilia and Gynephilia as displaying hermaphroditic tendencies but short of complete self-obsession.

Female crane operators and reality TV stars are the counterparts to metrosexuals. A main difference between a metrosexual and a crane operator is that the metrosexual takes a request to state his sexuality as a compliment, not an insult. This is again a contradictory reaction, as the rigger is a confirmed homosexual but the metrosexual is heterosexual.

Metropolitan women love metrosexuals, but continually claim to be busy on any evening proposed for a date, because they know the focus of the metrosexual is discussing having sex, rather than ever having sex.


Wikipedia describes homosexuality as a sexual orientation, "an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attractions" mainly to people of the same sex. It also refers to "a person's sense of identity based on those attractions, related behaviors, and membership in a community of others who share those attractions."

The first excerpt suggests the concepts of androphilia and gynephilia. The second suggests that society generally labels a male homosexual a man who doesn't have a crew cut, doesn't have a heavy goods vehicle or gun licence, and who uses more than carbolic soap as a cosmetic. A female homosexual would be a woman who has a crew cut, has a heavy goods vehicle and gun licence, and doesn't use more than carbolic soap as a cosmetic. In reality, homosexuality is more than behavior and group membership; it is a complex, multi-layered, multi-faceted cultural and biological phenomenon. Clearly, to those wiki editors who boast about their absence of bias, the only thing better than being gay is being furry.

The table in Androphilia and gynephilia describes homosexuality as the case where the subject's sex and sex of attraction is the same. This is genetic homosexuality: born man, actually woman. This explains why so many of us are lesbian women trapped in men's bodies.

Sex change, then, is the effort to avoid changing one's preferences, electing instead to change everything else (and then everyone else).

Gender re-assignment surgery

Katie and Annabelle enjoying a new life after recovering from genital surgery.

Most common sex changes involve sex reassignment therapy, involving medical procedures to alter sexual characteristics from male to female or from female to male. The term may also refer specifically to sex reassignment surgery, which usually refers to genital surgery only.

This is different to the more gradual and culture-based field of natural sex changes. For individuals who require sex-change surgery, it is important to their ultimate well-being for everyone else to recognise their change of sex, such as socially and legally.

In the case of male genetic homosexuality, no amount of watching X-Factor or pondering over Pond's face cream is going to change the fact that the subject is a woman with a penis. This is understandably awkward and psychologically distressing. At school, other boys notice that the subject can't throw a ball, but has perfect recall of birthdays. In later life, the preference for light conversation over a glass of Prosecco and bawdy jokes in the workspace leads to the desire for gender re-assignment surgery. This is technically the reverse of the sex changes discussed above, as under androphilia and gynephilia, the subject is a homosexual becoming a heterosexual.

"Sit down son, you know you can tell me anything right?"

Focusing on the male for now, the process of wanting gender re-assignment surgery commences with his father (usually addressed as Colonel or Sir, with a piece of Huey shrapnel in his left leg and flags on his desk). Breaking the news that his "young scout" actually prefers pushing a pink pram produces an exceptional amount of adrenaline. His system may experience clinical shock.

This is a risky time for the father. Now in a fight-or-flight mode, there could be many reactions, all in short succession. Rage, laughter in disbelief, or refusal to accept the situation (cerebral shut-down), sobbing uncontrollably (emotional destabilization) or in some cases, leaping through the window (lemming syndrome) or dropping dead of a heart attack/stroke (involuntary or reflex-euthanasia). Doctors put the medical risks on a par with a mother giving birth.

After a few months, the father accepts the subject's admission. He advises the subject to join the Army — normally a division that uses guns or tanks. This represents the final hurdle for the subject, as it is not possible to instigate a natural sex change in the case of a genetic homosexual. Normally, word gets back to the Colonel about a dress in the subject's foot locker, and an honorable discharge is quickly arranged through improper channels.

In the case of female-male gender reassignment, the fathers tend to be high ranking clergy. Having prayed daily for the daughter's salvation since her first Doc Martin boots and head-shave at the age of thirteen, and tiring of looking like a family permanently off to a fancy dress party, the Bishop or Archdeacon is unwilling to participate in a sex change process, on the grounds that they believe the scriptural position is perfectly clear. Open, honest conversation can only mean an intention against God's will, so the daughter must go and seek God’s mind and heart first, which is written in black-and-white in the second paragraph on page 167 of the Bible, God's core authority.

On the recent law changes on same-sex marriages, the Church would never switch two thousand years of teaching in a day. The Bishop's legal, theological, biblical, ethical, and ecclesiastical issues are comparable to those facing the Colonel.

However, for offspring of parents of the arts, news of adult-onset genetic homosexuality is received with delight. It offers the parent a social status upgrade and a welcome period of creative emotional angst that attracts interest from others, excited to unravel the "devastating" inner turmoil represented in canvas or clay, or expressed through nude mime and dance.


"We are here to provide a painless, step by step referral to your local family law firm as soon as things start to get heavy."

Under law, an individual is considered transsexual if his/her/its/their chosen sexual identity differs from that assigned at birth, God doing the assigning but sometimes "moving in mysterious ways". The LGBT community strive to ensure that chosen sexual identity is independent of role and social status. This means it is politically incorrect to believe otherwise. The example of Michael Sam shows that a person whose assigned sex is male but whose chosen sex is female can still elect to play American football with 52 men who choose to be men, and the result is not his problem but everyone else's, even when he sucks in senses other than the sexual.

Unfortunately, this degree of fluidity and vagueness rather obviates going to court at all, as no judge will rule that Johnny needs to become Jenny to work in the laundrette merely because he prefers ironing to plastering — even if Johnny appears in court in a pretty floral dress, a bonnet, and swinging a wicker basket full of pink cupcakes.

When the Judiciary find that matters pertaining to genitalia have been dropped into its lap, they work around this tricky issue the same way a father tells the child to "ask your mother" when asked where babies come from. Rather than rule on sex change as a matter of fact, the Judiciary consign it to be part of family law, keeping the intimate details within the bosom of home and focusing on the bureaucratic process of marriage and whether a transsexual person can benefit from a partner's insurance or pension. This way, the legal system gains financially, the reality is whatever the applicant says it is, and everyone remains in his/her/its/their comfort zone.

The degree of legal recognition of sex change varies widely throughout the world. Most jurisdictions recognize the two social roles, man and woman, but exclude other sexual concoctions, despite legalizing gay marriage and carrying out prosecutions under the Equality Act. This lets citizens jump back and forth but not sideways. However, many countries now let petitioners put virtually any letter in the "Sex" field on the birth certificate, not just M or F. Most also allow a digital touch-up of all the child's mantelpiece photos to put them in the correct school uniform/sports team.


There are several different levels of sex reassignment surgery. The lowest level is hormone replacement therapy (HRT), which chemically changes your sex. The first round of chemicals are a derivative of a patio weed-killer/path-clear that causes the sexual organs and associated hair follicles to die and fall off painlessly, leaving most of the other vital organs intact. The second round of treatment consists of a hormone that tells the body to start growing its new organs. Timing is everything; if the subject wishes the new marrow or melons to be “prize-winning,” they will need to grow and nurture them in a greenhouse from May to August, with a weekly weed-and-feed.

The most common sex change operation is the process that reshapes the genitals. The medical procedure is known as genital reconstruction surgery (GRS) — though the technical term "cock job" avoids confusion with the "boob job," which is surgery to the breasts; or "lip job," which is surgery that makes the subject look like a guppy in a wind tunnel.

Through observation, psychoanalysis, and discussion with the patient, the surgeon devises a base model of the new gender personality type. For example, subjects who like beauty and fashion could forgo breast reconstruction and maintain the look of a catwalk model. Subjects who prefer gutting fish may be exempted from hair removal and given a stout frame and ample chest to deflect any unwanted offal away from subject's pants.

The most expensive and complete form of sex change operation is the head transplant. A donor body is provided, preferably from an exceedingly generous sibling to avoid tissue rejection. Clearly if the donor is not having a sex change at the same time, they will spend the rest of their life without a body, so it is a significant decision. The medical practitioners have produced the simple A3 pamphlet, Sex Changes: Don't Lose Your Head as Well as Your Sister's to guide families through the process.

Recovery and reintegration

"Now it's all over Baz, how about coming over for a tofu salad? We can watch Riverdance and then I'll tell you all about my hysterectomy, It'll be a hoot!"

Though it takes courage to join such a continually stigmatized group, integrating or incorporating a trans-identity into one's personality is the key to success.

Acceptance by others affects the subject's integration into family, society, work, and friends. Even the subject who has evolved into self-acceptance and integration may, on the next encounter with a familiar person, present a very different view of themselves. It is essential the subject makes it clear who they are before a close friend starts to show any overt sexual attraction. This might replace tedium with overt embarrassment. The subject must explain the sex change up front, as it were, and clarify that it was not about sex.

One can tell when the subject has become successfully self-integrated because they start talking about their trans identity and transition path endlessly, engage in politics and activism, and forget mundane issues involving careers or prior relationships. This behavior can often be similar to the subject having newly attained hormones or a new wardrobe. This marks the final step in the process of post-sex change integration.

The more fully the sex-change patient integrates it into the identity, the freer the subject is to advocate and harangue others, to abandon former interests in favour of LGBT Community activities such as colourful parades, to go to fashionable nightclubs, and finally — after all these years — to admit to enjoying reruns of Mamma Mia.

Potatohead aqua.png Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 23 October 2015
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
Template:FA/23 October 2015

See also: