UnNews:NFL to be even gayer in 2014

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11 February 2014

File copy of Tim Tebow being openly Christian. No photos of Michael Sam being openly gay were available at press time.

SAN FRANCISCO, California -- College football player Michael Sam has declared that he is gay, paving the way for the 2014 NFL season to be about something. In comparison, the gay theme in 2013 was avoiding high hits that could cause concussion and low hits that could cause leg injury.

The disclosure of American Football's first "openly gay" player means that the 1700 players on last year's pro rosters are still in the closet. Mr. Sam did not disclose what he does that makes him gay, saying only, "I am gay." The league, which springs random urine tests on marquee players who claim they are openly steroid-free, did not demand proof that Mr. Sam is gay, but took him at his word. In fact, the league declined Mr. Sam's offer of a urine test.

The obscure Mr. Sam — it might even be an alias to avoid ridicule — will surely be drafted to play next year. The team that drafts him will attract never-ending media coverage, while the 31 General Managers who don't will spend 2014 answering incessant questions about why they hate all homosexuals. Their teams will immediately have under-representation of openly gay players on their rosters, which under American law, constitutes proof of active discrimination.

Glenn Beck took the NFL to task for fawning over Mr. Sam. By comparison, Mr. Beck noted that openly Christian player Tim Tebow is still shunned by all 32 teams despite flashes of brilliance he showed in 2011. "What do they have against him?" asked Mr. Beck.

NFL players, meanwhile, are preparing for a season of dressing and undressing in the company of a teammate who will be obsessed with their private parts. This is not unprecedented; in 1990, the highlight of a 1-15 season in Boston was a beat newspaperwoman with similar interests, which resulted in friction and a change in locker-room policy. The NFL did not take a stand, however, as nymphomaniacs don't lobby in Washington, but the computer industry hired a lot of them that decade, despite the absence of federal quotas.

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