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The patented UnNews Audio microphone gives expression to artists who have always wanted to "work with a strap-on."

UnNews Audio is a division of UnNews that produces audio recordings of individual articles. This achieves two purposes:

  • On the assumption that there are millions of people who surf to Uncyclopedia every day, but hate to read or even look at the pictures, this gives them something. (Uncyclopedia users who hate both written and spoken English are, for the time being, still S.O.L.)
  • More regular Uncyclopedia fans, who have always wanted to put a face to a username, can now at least put a voice to it, and go, "Coo! didn't know s/he sounded like that!".

How to use UnNews Audio[edit]

How to listen[edit]

The massive equipment that transmits UnNews Audio is located in the basement of the headquarters building at One UnNews Centre.

All UnNews Audio releases are audio in the MP3 format, in files with file type .mp3. There is a list (above and also on the UnNews front page) of the most recent UnNews Audio releases. Clicking on the headline sends the audio file to your computer.

What happens then depends on what your web browser has been instructed to do with .mp3 files. Normally, a program you have selected, such as Media Player, Real Player, or Winamp, will be activated and the news report will automatically start playing on your computer's speakers. However, your web browser might be set instead to store the .mp3 file on the disk and you might have to take additional action to play the audio.

How to get dibs on an article[edit]

So there is an UnNews article you are interested in broadcasting? It is vanishingly unlikely that two Uncyclopedians will want to do the same article. However, a "lock" signal ensures that you have dibs on it.

To assert exclusive rights to broadcast an article, edit it and add the following line at the start: {{RecordingInProgress|YourName}} or {{RIP|YourName}}

Please don't lock an article for more than 4 hours, but complete recording and uploading by then.

How to author[edit]

Create an .mp3 file with your audio in any way that is most convenient for you. Tips:

  • Make the name of the MP3 file descriptive. It makes it easier to code citations to it if you will do the following:
    • Begin the filename with UnNews-- (with two hyphens!) to indicate, within the File: namespace, that the file pertains to UnNews.
    • Make the filename identical to the story's headline.
  • Music-quality MP3 files aren't necessary for voice, and are larger than necessary. Read Spike's technical notes for tips on what settings to use.
  • In some Audios, a different speaker, a different accent, or a different background noise is used for quotations. Otherwise, say "quote" before the quotation, and "unquote" afterward.
  • You need not read the UnNews story literally:
    • When reading a quotation, you may want to turn the sentence around so that you introduce the speaker before you read the quotation. It's pleasing in written English to break the quotation into two parts, but this doesn't flow well in speech.
    • Some paragraphs need not be read at all--especially when they make a comparison or use figures that need to be seen to be understood.
    • You may also leave out some material to limit the length of the audio feature.

Then upload the MP3 file with your audio.

How to tell people you've recorded a story[edit]

In the story

Edit the story again. Delete any lock template you inserted before (see above), and add the following as the first line:


This puts a legend in the text file advising readers that an audio version is available.

Preview the article and be sure you see the legend, and that there are no red-links. This ensures that you correctly typed the name of your audio file.

In {{RecentUnNewsAudio}}

Finally, edit {{RecentUnNewsAudio}}. This template is the list of the most recent audio features, as shown at the top of this page. Following the recommendations at the start of the template, and imitating the format of existing entries, add an entry for your article at the top of the list. You'll be adding a line of the following form:

exact-name-of-your-audio-file.mp3|Article headline|UnNews:Name of text version|

Delete one entry at the bottom of the list so it contains the same number of entries as before.

If you change the name of anything, also update the above files.

Notes for Admins

The template {{InlineMedia}} puts a legend (Gnome-speakernotes.svg listen) in-line that an audio version is available. You supply the name of the audio file (omitting both File:UnNews-- and .mp3). If the narrator did not name the file in compliance with our conventions, rename the file or read the template's documentation and code accordingly. There will be plenty of time in which to ban the narrator.

  • If you edit {{Lead articles}} to advertise the story on the Front Page, add {{InlineMedia}} after the double dash.
  • If you edit {{RecentUnNews}} to advertise the headline on the website main page, add {{InlineMedia}} after the headline (but outside the boldface).

How to get someone else to record a story[edit]

UN:AUDIO is a collection of requests for recording, for UnNews articles and other materials. You can write a request there and see if anyone wants to do the recording.

The UnNews Team[edit]

Editors-in-Chief of UnNews
Icons-flag-ca.png Sir Todd Lyons Goldstein award.png Goldstein award.png Goldstein award.png Creator of UnNewsAudio and Executive Producer in Absentia
Icons-flag-us.png Rev. Zim_ulator Foolitzer.png Goldstein award.png Goldstein award.png Goldstein award.png Goldstein award.png Editor Emeritus[1] (2007-2010)
Gadsden.png Spike Foolitzer.png×3 Goldstein award.png×10 Served without title (2010-2011)
Icons-flag-us.png TheHumbucker Served without title; ceased to serve after asking for title and not getting it[2]
Icons-flag-ca.png Mattsnow By acclamation and by default
Icons-flag-gb.png Romartus 2013, Lord Steward of UnNews
Gadsden.png Spike 2013- (Everyone who cares about titles has left)
  1. Emeritus is Latin for "out of merit," though still with plenty of Absinthe
  2. Our motto: "No good deed goes unpunished"

Broadcast Staff[edit]

Icons-flag-us.png Sir Brad Frasier Goldstein award.png
Icons-flag-gb.png Sir Codeine
European Correspondent
Icons-flag-us.pngIcons-flag-gb.png Sir Dawg
Bi-continental US and UK Correspondent
Icons-flag-us.png emc Foolitzer.png
North American Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-gb.png Sir Elvis
European Correspondent
Icons-flag-us.png Sir Hinoa
Occasional US Correspondent
Icons-flag-us.png Lady Keitei
US Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-us.png L.J. Lego, KBE
US Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-il.png MordilloFoolitzer.pngGoldstein award.pngGoldstein award.pngGoldstein award.png
Middle Eastern Correspondent, low quality mike holder and bad accents extraordinaire.
Icons-flag-gb.png Sir Olipro Foolitzer.pngGoldstein award.png
European Correspondent, Writer, Podcast Maintainer, Got Pwned by Zim
Icons-flag-us.png Sir Rangeley Goldstein award.png
US Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-us.png Sir Severian Goldstein award.png
US Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-us.png The UnIdiot Foolitzer.pngGoldstein award.png
US Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-us.png Zana Dark Goldstein award.png
US Correspondent, alleged female

Icons-flag-gb.png Braydie Goldstein award.png
UK Correspondent
Icons-flag-us.png Contestant
US Correspondent
Oman flag.jpg Fezzul
European Correspondent (with certain Middle Eastern entanglements)
Icons-flag-gb.png Flyingfeline Goldstein award.png
UK Correspondent and occasional writer
Icons-flag-gb.png FreeMorpheme
European Correspondent
Icons-flag-gb.pngIcons-flag-au.png David Gerard
London Correspondent (Australian), Writer
Icons-flag-nz.pngIcons-flag-au.png GreaseMonkey
Oceania Correspondent (New Zealand, Australia, Polynesia), Writer, Drama Student, Accent Impersonator (Ey wahnt seex bottles of woine mayte.)
Icons-flag-us.png Insineratehymn
US Correspondent
Icons-flag-us.png Jobot37
US Correspondent
Icons-flag-ca.png Jules Ismail (aka The Roachy Jay)
Canadian at heart, notable Internet personality
Icons-flag-ca.png Kenvalyi Goldstein award.png
Canadian Correspondent, Typist
Icons-flag-us.png MichaelHax
US Correspondent, Attention Whore
Icons-flag-us.png MNM5150
US Correspondent, worst microphone ever
Icons-flag-gb.pngIraq flag 1.png NeoZidane Goldstein award.png
UK and Middle Eastern Correspondent (you know, that place with crazy Arabs and bombs and oil)
Icons-flag-us.png NickJonesUSA
US Correspondent (briefly NickLucas)
Icons-flag-au.png OnePunch
Australian Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-us.png RAHB Goldstein award.png Goldstein award.png
US Correspondent, writer
Icons-flag-us.png SirIsaac
US Correspondent, inarticulate
Icons-flag-us.png SirNuke
US Correspondent
Icons-flag-us.png Gustav SysRq
US Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-ca.png Zombiebaron Goldstein award.png
Undead Correspondent; on sabbatical

Other writers whose stuff got broadcast[edit]

Saflag.jpeg Acrolo
22px-Flag of Pirates.png Aineolach
Aleister in Chains
Icons-flag-au.png Armando PerentieFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-gb.png 02BarryC
Icons-flag-au.png Bdude
Icons-flag-us.png Bladetip
Icons-flag-us.png Clemens177
Icons-flag-us.png Composure1Foolitzer.png
Icons-flag-us.png CScottFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-gb.png Danny HimselfFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-cn.png Feureau
Icons-flag-th.png FunnybonyFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-us.png Guildensternenstein
Icons-flag-us.png Gustav
Icons-flag-us.png Happytimes
Icons-flag-us.png Hawthorn PeeblesFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-gb.png Hindleyite
Icons-flag-us.png Hobelhouse
Icons-flag-us.png Hrodulf
Icons-flag-us.png IronLung
Icons-flag-us.png Isra1337
Icons-flag-us.png JackOfSpades
Gadsden.png Jonny appleseed
Icons-flag-us.png Kip the Dip
France flag 1.png Lctmu
Icons-flag-gb.png Matt lobsterFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-gb.png Mhaille
Icons-flag-ca.png ModusoperandiFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-us.png Prettiestpretty
Icons-flag-us.png Raliter
Icons-flag-us.png Rcmurphy
Icons-flag-us.png Savethemooses
Icons-flag-in.png Scofield
Icons-flag-us.png Shadsy
Icons-flag-ru.png Sikon
Icons-flag-us.png SnoopY
Icons-flag-us.png Some user
Icons-flag-gb.png Spang
Icons-flag-us.png Striker2117
Icons-flag-us.png The ThinkerFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-us.png thetoastman
Icons-flag-us.png TritefantasticFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-us.png TshellFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-ca.png Uncle JFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-au.png Username18
Icons-flag-us.png WeebilsFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-us.png Sir David, the Weasel of WildFoolitzer.png
Icons-flag-us.png The Woodburninator
Icons-flag-us.png Zaui