UnNews:World to end; analyst says "buy"

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8 March 2022

As bombs rain down, investors scramble to find their purchase confirmations in case St. Peter reports their arrivals to the IRS.

TORONTO, Ontario -- A Canada-based investment advisor said the world is likely to end — marking an unprecedented opportunity to buy stocks.

Peter Berezin, chief global strategist at BCA Research, put the odds of armageddon at 10% because, if Vladimir Putin believes he is going down after his stalled invasion of Ukraine, he might opt to take everyone on Earth along for the ride.

Nevertheless, Berezin said investors should "buy on the rumor and sell on the news," adopting a bullish stance on a 12-month horizon. He believes a panicked world market will suffer losses but ultimately bounce back — a "V-shaped recovery" like the one that followed the Coronavirus.

"As bombs fall, stocks will fall," he said. Though it is always tough to time the market — "They don't ring a bell at the bottom, you know!" — Berezin said the exact moment to place orders is when NORAD goes to DEFCON 5. "That's when you tune out the air-raid sirens and get on the phone with your account executive," he said — provided that the phone's innards have not been fried by detonation of an EMP device.

He explained that a nuclear Holocaust would result in massive new employment and investment in a global rebuilding effort. Stocks will skyrocket as funds flow in to repair the damage.

Berezin's calculus included the possibility that the investor takes a direct hit. However, in this case, he said, there is no need to rebalance the portfolio after all. Thus, the investor can logically ignore this possibility and focus on the case that peace breaks out tomorrow and Russia rebuilds the wreckage throughout Ukraine — and mops up the radioactivity to boot.