UnNews:US polls are broken

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
(audio) UnNews Audio (file info)
Listen to this story!
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Saturday, December 21, 2024, 16:39:59 (UTC)
US polls are broken UnNews Logo Potato.png

27 October 2024

Kudlow believes the polls. Then again, he has wanted to have Trump's baby for a decade.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Polling across the United States, a week before the Presidential election, is yielding impossible results.

While all polls state that the election is within the margin of error, which is simply a lie that Americans must be told to get them to cast ballots, a spate of new polls suggests that, for the first time in Donald Trump's career, his "favorables" exceed his "unfavorables".

Pollster Giddyap Gallup said, "We did everything right! We sculpted the numbers of Republicans and Democrats to sample, we asked questions with a sneer, and we weighted the result based on how likely we thought it was that they would actually vote. But — people like Trump? We need a do-over!"

Television economist Larry Kudlow led his Saturday radio show on New York City's WABC with the assertion. Kudlow is as unbiased as you can get, as he occasionally offered timid criticism during his years as Trump's economic chief. "He cooks French fries!" said Kudlow. "He goes to barbershops and talks to Negroes! What's not to like?"

Trump exhibited self-loathing at Madison Square Garden and 40,000 New Yorkers loudly concurred.

But many Americans say the result strains credulity. JPMorgan chief executive Jamie Dimon said, "We made billions during the Trump administration! But that doesn't mean we like the guy!" Former candidate Hillary Clinton agreed. "I've never met anyone who likes Trump", she said. They don't even reach the rope line, much less cross it. Reminded that she talked to Trump himself a couple times in the 2016 debates, she added that Trump obviously doesn't like himself.

Americans will vote on November 5 — or, depending on the state, a month ago, or mail it in sometime in the week afterward. They face a horrific choice between a national door-to-door search for "military-style" guns and a national door-to-door search for people cooking with jalapeño. But they are reassured by the fact that the process depends on cold, impartial counting of numbers — until it awards two bonus Electors to places like Wyoming and North Dakota.

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:US_polls_are_broken&oldid=6219972"