“They say that Churches are home of the Lord. It's a pity he is never around when I drop by.”
“Jesus died for MY sins? There's no sense!”
“This is the tale of a solo bell ringer, Caught with the rope around his dinger. The vicar made the shock discovery, And then tolled the man off promptly”
“There goes God...”
The church may mean any of the following:
- An awesome place to commit adultery in, and pray for forgiveness at the same time.
- An organization to maintain old buildings with no use whatsoever.
- A fake charity organization.
- One half of the infamous Siamese twins "Church and State".
- Anything with a steeple attached.
- A place listed as Number 43 on the Top 100 Most Boring Places to Be in America.
- Just another way to refer to Italy.
- A place in which its followers think the doctrines of other religions are stupid, but have no problem believing a pacifist zombie rose from the dead to tell people to worship him every Sunday.
- A home of the Church Penguin (also known as the Common Nun.)
Origin of the church
Aliens placed churches on our beloved planet. In one of these churches there was a person hidden behind lots of colorful glass with beautiful pictures. This person was Jesus. Jesus split in half and created mankind by a process that is called cell division. Females were produced by Jesus' magic beard.
Varg Vikernes didn't like churches in the Norwegian landscape so they told everybody that he burned them with black magic and super sonic sound waves.
In 1850, Abraham Lincoln declared that because the 7th day (Sunday) was the day of rest and the day when God finished creating the Earth, church attendance was to be on Sunday morning, and ONLY Sunday morning. He made this announcement in the Gettysburg Address.
However, many Christians have been lax about upholding such a tradition. Beginning around 1930, Adolf Hitler began attending church on Wednesday. His trend became popular, and churches began offering services on Wednesday night, rather than the formally-correct Sunday morning.
The church faced a budget crisis in 1991 which it solved by publishing a book called the Bible, written by Oral Roberts and the editorial staff of Reader's Digest magazine. Written in archaic English and filled with "thou"s and "unto"s, it was promoted to the faithful as a 2000 year old manuscript written by god, and quickly became a best-seller.
Today the center of world religion is a toxic region of the US known as the Bible belt. American churches are referred to as government centers, DMV's, the Capital Building, or any other structure that is either supported by or entirely run and owned by the US Government. These "churches" are used to keep track of people. Each person is given a number, that number is like a serial number. It follows you wherever you go and you need to use it whenever you want to do something the "Church" wants to track.
What to do in a spiritual situation
Strange and horrific events can occur during Church. They include Praying (Communicating with God via new technology called a "Telephone"), the consumption of Holy Bread and Wine (free food for Tramps) and even Spiritual Visions, aka. "Electrical Interference". In the event of any of the above, or anything related to the above, do the following: - Stop, Drop And Roll.
This is a little trick known by many, and is used to accomplish hundreds of things, eg. The Art Of Making Yourself Not On Fire, Causing Floor Static, and even Making Animal Friends. You can worship god in your own way, but the best method is to spread the holy word to unbelievers. This is done by threatening them with HELL and ETERNAL BURNING TORTURE FOREVER if they don't accept god's message of infinite love.
- The Church
- Church of Uncyclopedia
- Order of Uncyclopedia
- The Most Important Concepts: McWorship, McJesus
- The no-so-Important Concepts: Saint, Mass, The Bible, The Pope, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
- More Concepts: Doziism, hypocrisy, Varg, Odin, Thor and Dianic goddess Wicca.
- Flying Spaghetti Monster
- Concepts dealing with FSM Churches: Spaghetti, Trinity, Surfing Pizzianity, Children of the sauce, Moundarianism, Jesusware and Atheism to worship the god Athe.
- People involved with FSM Churches: St. Alfred of Parma, Bishop Rikstaa and BOB SAGET!
- Orders and Congregrations of FSM Churches: Moomon Church of His Spaghettiness, Moomin Church of His Spaghettiness, First United Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Orthodox Alfredist Church, Reformed Church of Alfredo and The Olive Garden.
- Catholic Church
- Concepts dealing with Catholic Churches: Muslim-Catholic, Catholic gradeschool, Roman Catholic Hierarchy, Catholic Priest and Oops damnit.
- Historical Highlights about Catholic Churches: Protestant vs. Catholic Shakedown of 1726, The First Catholic Civil War and The First Methodist Catholic Church.
- Orders and Congregrations of Catholic Churches: Church of the Subgenius, Church of the Gay Bar, Church of St. ilan and The Greek Catholic Ukrainian Orthodox Church of German Russian descent.
- Protestant Church
- The Anglican Church and its Orders and Congregrations: Church of England, Rank Of Bad Motherfucker and Church of Canada.
- The Baptist Church and its Orders and Congregrations: Southern Baptist, Landover Baptist Church, Westboro Baptist Church, National Association of Independent Baptist Covens, The First Baptist Church of Dirt and the like, Pentecostal Animist Baptist Church, Rapid Baptists, Baptist Jihad and Conservative Baptist Republicans.
- People involved with the Baptist Church: Queen Latifah, Aunt Jemima, Chimpanzee, Sir Alec Dow, Anagrammatist and Seventh-day Baptists.
- Minor Orders and Congregrations of Protestant Churches: Orange Order, Lutheran Church and White Power.
- Church of Later Day Saints (see Morons).
- Orders and Congregrations of Evangelical Churches: The Church of Ass and Nipple Slips, Church of Oprah, Church of Buffy, Reconstituted International Peoples Church of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the Scooby Gang, The Church of the Heavenly Wood, Beverley Sisters and Landover Baptists.
- Westboro Baptist Church (Landover's rival gang).
- Churches your mom will love: Freemason, Church of Scatology, Church of Awesomeness, Cell church, Nihilist Church, Church of Avian Transcendence, Church of the Holy and Ancient Yellowing Turnip, The Church Of Emo, The Church of Satan and The Church of Periwinkle.
- Churches your friend's mom would love: Bright and shiny cult, The Church of Death Metal and Old School Order of Catholics led byMel Gibson.
- Highly Irrelevant Churches: Church of Alcoa, The Church Of Satan, The One Church, Church of Objectivism, Church of Goatse, Salvation Army and Church of Elvis Presley.
- Churches for Bishops: The Church of Angry Traditionalist Male Bishops; The Church of Even Angrier Women Bishops-to-be and The Reformed Church of the "People" Transsexuals.
- The Church of Gays and Lesbians who want to get married in their own State or Country.
Judaism is considered UnChristian, therefore it's not a church.