Fountainhead Earth

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Movie tie-in front cover of Fountainhead Earth, featuring John Travolta as Dilbert.
Johnnie's TU-154A on the way back to the planet Stanton.

Fountainhead Earth is a twenty-volume philosophical fiction novel by the Nobel prizewinning author, Ayn Rand. It was Rand's last work of fiction, and all volumes after the first were published posthumously. All volumes made the New York Times Best Seller list, but the series received almost universal critical condemnation.

The series successfully achieved negative sales, with critics sending their copies back as returns, and more copies being remaindered than were actually printed.

Fountainhead Earth is not a series of twenty novels, it just feels like it.


Bureaucratic aliens from the planet Stanton have invaded Earth, stifling all rational thought in a mere nine minutes. They enslave all the architects, forcing them to build fashionable and nonfunctional Doric façades in front of every McDonalds. Randroids, huge semi-mechanical creatures, a cross between a cyborg and a public-address system, stride the landscape in Ayn Borg Collectives.

Johnnie "Galtboy" Tyler (played by Keanu Reeves) comes along and meets Dilbert (played by John Travolta) and Wally (played by Forest Whitaker). Disgusted with their office politics and disregard for quality, Johnnie trains his tribe of cavemen in capitalism in one week and achieves a leveraged buyout of perfectly preserved Aeroflot TU-154As. He then flies these back to the planet Stanton and delivers a 40,000-page speech that literally bores the aliens to death.

Fountainhead Earth and Objectivism

Many readers are confused that the series appears to jump from Volume II to Volume IV. Volume III, No News Is Xenu's, is the s3kr1t l3v3l you can only read after a suitable degree of study and payment of a large sum of cash to the Church of Objectivism. In Volume III, you learn of the Philosopher Xenu and how you are covered in Nerdy Thetans, the souls of dead Heinlein-reading geeks who never shut up. The Church of Objectivism has been known to sue people for revealing the story of Xenu. Fortunately, Uncyclopedia is itself a constitutionally-protected religion.

You cannot achieve the level of Objectivating Thetan until you have learnt and studied your Ayn Rand and been adjudged trustworthy enough to learn these terrible secrets. From SEC CHECK TOOHEY:

  • 341. Have you ever harboured any unkind thoughts about Ayn Rand?
  • 342. Oh, come on. None?
  • 343. Did you notice our unAmerican spelling of "harbored" in question 341?
  • 344. Have you read Ayn's last book, Fountainhead Earth?
  • 345. Did you see the movie of it?
  • 346. Did the ushers mutter abuse and deprecations at you as you left the cinema?
  • 347. Did you pay for your ticket, or did you buy one for another film so as not to give Ayn your money?

Nerdy Thetans are also known as Money Thetans, owing to the comfortable standard of living required to be quite that insufferably self-righteous. The Church of Objectivism offers to remove all Money Thetans from you quickly and efficiently.


The novel was later made into a musical, Fountainhead Earth: A Saga Of The Year 1950, starring John Travolta, with a budget of $100 million, drawing $45.20 at the box office. It opened on 3249 screens simultaneously in the United States, with its first run lasting almost two showings. For the previews, reviewers were supplied with sporks, so as to save time when they wanted to poke their own eyes out.


  1. Fountainhead Earth
  2. The Socialists Plan
  3. ***S3KR1T L3V3L*** No News Is Xenu's
  4. Black Marillion
  5. The Editor Within
  6. An Aynian Affair
  7. Fear of Fortune
  8. Economic Inconvenience Quest
  9. Randage Of Rosenbaum
  10. Fountainhead Dune
  11. Fountainhead Of The Rings
  12. Fountainhead and Foundation
  13. Fountain In A Strange Head
  14. ¡Ai! Frienditto (with Kevin J. Anderson)
  15. The Humorless Engineer
  16. The Droning Self-Righteous Fanboy Who Never Shuts The Fuck Up, Ever
  17. The Writer So Anal-Retentive She Alphabetizes Her Underwear
  18. Architectural Disaster
  19. Nerdery Victorious
  20. The Doomed Reader

The novel was produced as a single work and cut into twenty parts for publication. No reader has yet been known to survive past Volume XI, so Volumes XII-XX are normally produced without the use of ink, to save money.


Paramount Pictures head Sumner Redstone has started a project to create a sequel to Rand's epic work. "With Kevin J. Anderson on board, working from a left-over bassline from one of Mizz Rosenbaum's old demo tapes, we can't see how this one won't be a hit. Hell, I'll work on gay cowboy films if it fails!"

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