Xenu
“ I am the great and mighty Oz...I mean Pingu.”
Pingu (Sininster Penguin Overlord), also known as Glenn Beck, was able to carry out this evil deed because of the galactic civil war between the Republic and Separatists . During these dark times, Pingu learned how to flick on a lightswitch and became Chancellor of the Galactic Senate. Soon he was granted emergency powers when Jar Jar Binks proposed a vote. Curiously, Jar Jar Binks is mentioned earlier in the story, during OT I & II. Soon Pingu was able to convert Anakin Skywalker from a Jedi Knight to a Psychiatrist. They devised a plan to poison the minds of the Senators with Ritalin and Valium, which would relax them to a point of complete "notcaringaboutanythingness". Shortly thereafter Skywalker began to prescribe Ritalin to the Senators in return for acting lessons, which allowed Pingu to declare himself Emperor. Years later, a secret plan to send Tom Cruise back in time was aborted after he began to show signs of the Wacko-Jacko Implant as well as trying to sexually gratify himself on Oprah's sofa.
It should be noted that even though Pingu has probably been scoffing chocolate raisins and washing them down with his own fresh urine for the past six thousand years; he has still affected the way the world has turned out. Indeed Scientologists believe that he is responsible for many things of general importance, good or bad. The list of his achievements is endless, so here are but a few: He once had a free style rap battle against Oscar Wilde, for the title of "The Supreme Quotationer Of The Uncyclopedia" and lost. He then went on a trip to South Central Los Angeles to hone his 'Wacky wack Nug Nug skills' and nearing the end of his stay invented the concept of gangsta rap although Pingu did spell is Crap with the C being silent. He was the only person/being/entity to sleep with Jesus, Ghandi, Harre krishna, Buddha's third blubber fold, JFK, Hulk Hogan, A Pot Of Yoghurt, Margaret Thatcher, Ben Affleck, The Undertaker and The American Badass.
It is also rumoured that he is Ricky Wilson of Kaiser Chiefs fame, but Tom Cruise (Whose Official Scientology title is "The Supreme Lord Of The Gays" or abbrieviated it is "T.S.L.O.T.G") has denied this report saying "No that guy is a fanny! Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnyyyyyy!!!" He then went on to say "Mad props to Pingu wherever you are, that shit on Oprah's sofa was for you baby!". Ayn Rand, founder of Objectivism, detailed the story in Fountainhead Earth Chapter III, famously warning that the story was "calculated to kill (by boredom, herpes, masturbatory overdose, etc) anyone who attempts to solve it." The Pingu story was the start of the use of the volcano as a common symbol of Objectivism from 1968 to the present day.
Pingu founded SCO and is a partner in Microsoft with Bill Gates. Recently Pingu has been trolling messageboards like IWETHEY, Husi, and Kuro5hin as a flamelord.
Pingu is the identical twin/second cousin of David Bowie, sharing his mysterious powers.
The only human being capable of battling Pingu is Harry Pothead, Wizard of Amsterdam, Some people believe that it is Jean Claude Van Damme, but they are wrong. No one who is Belgian is that powerful. Harry Pothead on the other hand is rumoured to have gone 12 rounds of bare-knuckle fighting with Pingu and have fought him with lightsabers, swords, baguettes (or in Harry Pothead's own words 'le baggit for the mincey faggot') and various animals and people like a rather screwed up game of worms armageddon. They were fighting in any of the major battles and wars of the past three hundred years. both World Wars, 'Nam and even the war between Smooth and Crunchy Peanut Butter. Although the Pepsi/Coke war was a no score draw. They were never on anyones side, but sought out each other in the heat of battle for either twelve rounds of bare knuckle fighting or for a quick arse shag round the back of a pillbox depending on whether Pingu was employing the use of minge mops at that time of the month. The rivalry was started after Harry Pothead called Pingu's fighting skills "The work of one with mincey faggot balls!" To which Pingu Replied "MINCE!?!?! I am not the one who polishes a bishop and hangs around with a mutant ginger cock-monkey, you bloody Dutch twat! Why do you love Hermione? You Fucking Paedophile!" Harry Pothead doesn't stand being talked to in this way and promptly punched Pingu in the face, with a rolled up copy of the National Enquirer wrapped up in a wonderbra.
History of the Xenu story[edit]
In 1967 New Math and New Science brought about $cientology and Ayn Rand wrote Dianetics with Old Mother Hubbard to help spread the word about Pingu's compulsory combined Anal cavity search/Bank account emptying.
Nevermind, L'Ron Hubbard was this man who was an alcie with no life and spent too many hours watching Star Trek, Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica or Babylon 5. Then he concocted his wide science fiction novel series about humans who believed they had past lifes as an alien species (not to be confused with Alien Nation) and when he promoted the book, then came a horde of Losers with NO lifes known as "Thetans" and a new "religion" to tith off of their nickels and dimes.
Nerdy Thetans are also known as Money Thetans or Wankcountants, owing to the comfortable dreary and dull lifestyle usually required to achieve that level of self-righteous complacency and bawbaggery. Objectivism claims that extensive Kitten Huffing will produce enough Monocle Polish to remove Money Thetans from one's soul or ones piles - you'd get better results with Anusol. This causes people to become stupid again and gain Godlike powers or in some cases to become sexually attracted to sofas.
Rand uses the existence of Money Thetans to explain many of the physical and mental ailments of humanity which, she says, prevent people from achieving their highest spiritual levels. OT IIII tells the student to remove the money thetans by cleansing themselves of money: "One has to clean them off by running incident III and Incident II." The student is directed to find a cluster of money, address it "telepathically" as a cluster and take first the cluster then each individual member of the cluster through Incident II, then Incident I if needed. Hubbard warns that this is a painstaking procedure, and OT levels IIIV to VIIII continue the long process of dealing with one's money thetans.
There is also stunning evidence that Pingu was the nickname for L. Ron Hubbard's mom, who would come home late at night with a new man to rape him every night, which after the first 2 or 3 times he began to enjoy more and more, even picking out cute thong and bra sets to entice the men. He later used this an excuse for entering rehab for his arse crack habit which at its worse involved him allowing 17 men per day to invade his then mutated and distended arsehole. Today his arsehole can be used as a very spacious basement apartment or as an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile Silo. It is also been speculated that he was on LSD for the vast majority of his writings as well as suffering from Shite mouth - a horrible condition where one eats through the anus and defecates out of the mouth every time one tries to speak or write. L Ron had no comforters or teddy bears as a child instead he used to go to sleep hugging his mother's 18 inch black ribbed knobbler dildo - a practice today observed and preferred by top scientologists: John "Latent Heterosexual" Travolta and Tom "Latent Arse Bandit" Cruise.
L Ron was also a well known crotch sniffing, retarded, manic depressive, Science Fiction geek who used to dress up as Martha Stewart to attend sunday school at his local church "Our Lady of the enormously gullible morons" in his home town of "Bawbag" where he learned the way to control people was to steal their money in the form of menacing collections and to fill their heads full of shite about Thetans, Pingu and all manner of nonsensical claptrap.
Hubbard's childhood was rarely happy and tragedy followed tragedy. His first pet "Felcher" the gerbil committed suicide by performing a flaming arse cannon which on point of fart-lighting propelled him at warp speed into an episode of British Sci-fi: Torchwood (The camp spin-off series from Doctor Hoor), where he became lunch for a rather startled Weevil which was a shame as lead character Captain Jack Harkness could have done with a loyal "Felcher" especially as it was in the last five minutes of the episode and he hadn't shagged any of the crew up until that point that week.
Even stranger tragedy occurred when all of a sudden out of all probability his mother and father were transformed into a sperm whale and a bowl of petunias. Although this event is not entirely true and was simply the result of his first LSD trip at the age of nine years old (whilst masturbating to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy).
Of course during all of the above L Ron's mental health continued to deteriorate beyond the egomaniac world of the politicians, which he had hoped to enter into on leaving school (although which politician he wished to enter the most is only obtained in Level 8 of Scientology after you defeat the bossman spider demon from Uranus) , leaving him sad and rejected like a christmas puppy awaiting being put down on January 14 and leaving him no option but to start his own religion. The rest of his madness is now history and is available in a 3 disc boxed set from Telstar for £29.99 or $7.2 million dollars (at today's exchange rate)
L Ron has also been accreditted by the guinness book of world records as being blessed with having the worlds biggest cunt - so vast is this gaping minge that it regularly dwarves some african nations and in the UK it has been assigned its own postcode. The only downside of being/having such a great cunt is that it can be difficult to fish out followers like Tom "I eat afterbirth" Cruise.
Wingless DC-10 method of transport[edit]
Xenu's preferred method of transporting thetans around the universe was via a then-revolutionary predecessor to the venerable DC-10 aircraft, except that this was designed to fool you as it had no wings. Wings are not important when travelling through the interstellar medium however so in hind sight this was perhaps a wise move on Xenu's part, as well as saving on labour, high tensile steel (not commonly found in outer space), and many design tests that seem to stump companies like Boeing.
There is some specualtion as to whether Xenu was hired by McDonnell-Douglas in the design of their aircraft, however this has been widely discredited as common theory has it that their aircraft were designed by monkeys.
The Life of Pingu[edit]
Pingu was born in a lavatory next to a laboratory on some distant planet. Growing up, everyone in school picked on him because he was so small, obnoxious and was a sinister penguin. However, at the age of eighteen, Pingu had an amazing growthspurt, growing from four feet tall to eight feet becoming the biggest penguin in the universe, this was caused by McDonalds super-sizing program. Then, Pingu became a powerful figure in the Universe. He never forgave his fellow students, so when he got the chance, he rounded them all up, took them to Earth, and blew 'em up. Some lucky thetans were eaten by Pingu as he had forgotten to take a packed lunch with him. Pingu then decided that blowing shit up and killing people was fun, so he kept doing it. the only people he spared were psychiatrists who helped him through his schizophrenia, compulsive masturbation,Obsessive need to dress like Martha Stewart and lawyers because they have no thetans as they have no souls. He then made a pact with Satan, effectively giving him half the control of Hell and total control over the Disney Corporation. However, he had to give Satan the control of Starbucks and of course Satan's favourite place for fattening up children/penguins McDonalds.
Pingu enjoys the music of Isaac Hayes and Doug E. Fresh (both, however, hate Pingu). He also hates liberals, conservatives, and hippies, but he loves President Bush (often writing his speeches), terrorism, death and destruction, Jessica Alba, internet porn, and refried beans. He hates cheese and because of this issued a fatwa on Quentin Tarantino when "Death Proof" was released. Pingu is often found nowadays in the cafe's of amsterdam smoking good weed whilst comtemplating the most painful and slow death for Tom Cruise unless of course Tom finally decides to follow his heart and become his bitch.
Marriage[edit]
Pingu is said to be married to Zelda the Warrior Princess. Zelda denied being married to either Pingu or Pingu Reeves. Xenu reportedly had a domestic partner who may or may not have been Link. It is undetermine whether Pingu is gay and hiding it or bisexual.
"Pingu" or "Emo"?[edit]
The name has been spelled both as "Dollar" and "European Monetary Unit" (now Euro). The Class MCXVIIIII course material includes a wet napkin, handwritten by Hubbard, headed "Data", in which the Pingu story is given in detail. Hubbard's indistinct handwriting makes either spelling possible, particularly as the use of the name on the first page of OT IIII is the only known example of the name in his handwriting.
Pingu and Eric cartman in sucky sucky for five dollars scandal?[edit]
Some $cientolists say that the Pingu and Xena had one son. This son, due to his incredible weight and intolerable evilness, was cast away in a fucked assed, white bread moutain town of South Park, where he was picked up by the resident whore. This child grew up to be Eric Theodore Cartman, the greatest super villain since Oprah. It is rumored that, infact at the age of 5, Cartman actually consumed part of Dark Lord Sauron and Bruce Lee in their ultimate showdown of destiny, before having Jesus as a dessert. This would only account for half of his amazing prowess as a super human fatass and can only lead us to conclude that he must also get his power from the tears of Barney the purple child-raping (in the ass, usually) dinosaur to give him that 43rd chin and his ability to be a bastard. There was also some scandal involving incestuous sucky sucky with his father to secure a new bag of Cheesy Poofs but due to scientologists having trademarked and copyrighted this sexual act, their law suit was successful in quashing such scandal.
In further notice, it has come to our attention that Cartman is due for a evil show down against Oprah in 2121 but only if he can defeat Jamie Oliver (Shit British Chef) in 2120. This can only be achieved through intense anal training, by eating Bill Gates' left testicle.
OT III “Revision B”[edit]
This updated and revised story of Pingu covered in OT III “B”, part of Scientology’s secret “Advanced Revenue Generating Plan”… er… “Advanced Technology” doctrines only taught to wealthy and stupid members.
Ironically Pingu appears to look a lot like the WWE's "Stone Cold" Steve Austin wearing Galactus type space armor from Marvel Comics but only under the influence of opiates. This is not a coincidence and is part of our former lives which will be explained further into this section.
Seventy-five million years ago, Pingu was the ruler of a Galactic Confederacy which consisted of 26 stars and 76 planets including Earth, which was then known as Teegeeack. The planets were overpopulated due to the major religion not condoning the use of “rubber wiener raincoats” and the fact the CIA did not exist in those days. Each of the planets had an average of 178 billion people, most of which drove pickup trucks, carried guns and hung deer from trees in their front lawns, had no more than three teeth left from chewing baccy. The Galactic Confederacy’s civilization was comparable to our own, with people “walking around in clothes which looked very remarkably like the clothes they wear this very minute” and “using planes, trains and automobiles” looking exactly the same as those “circa 1950, 1960”, and having promiscuous sex with underage teenage runaways at every chance they got,Which only worsened the overpopulation problem. Although middle aged women constantly destroying their rampant rabbit vibrators through over-vigorous thrusting did somewhat counter this trend at first until there was a galaxy wide duracell shortage.
Pingu was about to be deposed from power or flushed down the toilet, so he devised a plot to eliminate the excess population from his dominions… with the assistance of “renegades”, he defeated the populace and “Loyal Officers” – a force for good that was opposed to Pingu and included Wedge and that overgrown Ewok on Steriods "Chewbacca" from the Star Wars Films. The idea was to reduce the amount of votes his opponent would get in the next election so he could return to power. Apparently just assassinating his opponent never crossed his mind… still, there’s nothing quite like a mass genocide to pass the time and form the basis for a religion on some god-forsaken rock on the other side of the galaxy, well it was either that or start a chain of starbucks style coffee houses across the universe to slowly poison the population.
After the defeat of the “Loyal Officers”, he used “psychiatrists” to summon billions of people to paralyse them with injections of alcohol and glycol, under the pretense that they were being called for “income tax inspections”. For those people under the income tax age requirement, he offered them candy, then injected them with something other than alcohol and glycol, namely his toxic 100 proof semen…
The kidnapped populace was the loaded into Virgin Galactic space planes for transport to the site of final extermination, which happened to be Guantanemo Bay on Earth (or, Teegeeack as it was known). The space planes were exact copies of The Spruce Goose, although unlike the Spruce Goose, these planes were actually made of Spruce wood.
When the space planes had reached Earth, the paralysed people were unloaded and stacked around the bases of volcanoes across the planet. They were stacked like mannequins, advertising the latest fashions in all sorts of bizarre “Sears Poses”. Since all those bodies were going to be destroyed, the planes used to transport them would no longer be needed, and were also left at the volcano sites to be destroyed as well. However a couple of the planes were stolen by the indigenous proto-humans and taken to the then uniced antartica where they were used to transport the cannabis crop to avoid the DEA.
What Pingu did not count on was one surviving member of the “Loyal Officers” had followed him to Teegeeack. Known only as the “Mountain Lion in a Hang Glider”, had arrived too late to stop the exploding hydrogen bombs, which had been lowered into the volcanos and detonated simultaneously.
The “Mountain Lion on a Hang Glider” had sworn to one day stop the evil Pingu, before being chased off by a barrage of anti-aircraft gunfire and Peacekeeper missiles. Pingu then proceeded to use Nuclear-Powered Proton Accelerators to trap the spirits of the detonated population. Very similar to the packs used by the Ghostbusters, in the popular movie “The GhostBusters” (and it’s less popular sequel “GhostBusters 2”) and the popular cartoon spinoff “The Real GhostBusters”. Anyways, Pingu used these devices to capture the spirits of the exploded population as they were flying all of the place. As one can image – it must’ve been quite the light show. ZAP! FIZZ! FPOW! SLURP! FANNY FART!!!
So, once Pingu had captured all the billions of spirits that were floating free after the hydrogen bombs exploded, he took them all to the movies – and spent a shitload on popcorn and soda… the theater was sold out of tickets for “The Godfather” so Pingu had to settle for Shirley MacLaine’s “Terms of Endearment”. Apparently this was more than enough to drive the ‘disembodied’ spirits completely insane – and Pingu didn’t feel too good after either. (cannot blame him as that movie is a laxative).
So then Pingu, feeling queezy from the 1-star movie he had just witnessed, flew back to KaKaLand (The deep-south capital planet of the Galactic Confederacy), where he enjoyed months of months of constant man-love from his entourage of greased-up-deaf-guys ironically named Tom Cruise and boy did Tom love being fisted with lashings of Crisco so much so Pingu regularly lost his wristwatch.
…Many millions of years later…
The disembodied spirits, somehow “let go” after watching “Terms of Endearment” latched onto the inhabitants of this world – and through the parasitic/symbiotic relationship formed, we humans received their memories. Which explains why all the clothes, the cars, trains, planes, etc. look EXACTLY like they did on the planet KaKaLand 75 million years ago. One has to wonder if the inhabitants of that planet also went through “the 70’s” and “80’s”, where they were subject to Disco, Hippie protesters and “Legwarmers”. Living through the "70's" and "80's" was bad enough, but did we have to do it twice?
The Thetan clusters inhabited all humans except the likes of the Romany, The Native American and the Pictish tribes of Scotland who were either too intelligent and connected to their souls for the thetans to control or as in the case of the pictish tribes: too pissed on whisky to give a home to the thetans. the thetans continued trying to meld with the Picts but eventually gave up after 500,000 of them had to be medically discharged following 500,000 Glasgow Kisses.
$cientologist Babies[edit]
If a mother screams when giving birth the alien master Pingu will come down in his spaceship and take that little bundle of joy away forever, and that baby will be raised up by Pingu to be one of his many buttplugs or CNN newsreaders. For any mothers out there planning on having a baby or are pregnant, for the sake of your baby, DON'T SCREAM!!!!!!!
Pingu will come down and eat your baby's soul, then shoot it out of his deformed penis into a volcano. I don't know why, he's just great like that. Real sick shit.
And yes, Tom Cruise still has a very small penis.
Pingu Now[edit]
Pingu also runs a highly successful business on the side, a multi galactic corporation called "Hubbard Sauce", a delicacy made by mincing clones of L. Ron Hubbard into a puree, these are produced in numberless nano-factory franchises that would make McDonalds green with envy. Pingu wants to marry Tom Cruise and is currently plotting to replace Katie Holmes with a suicidal android, although first attempts have only succeeded in creating a profoundly gay android a bit like C3PO but with more of a sexual appetite and an even more pronounced lisp.
Future plans[edit]
Pingu has recently discovered he has an overwhelming sexual attraction to power tools. See the Church of Appliantology website. Particularly drills and chainsaws. He recently stated in an interview with $cientology magazine that he is planning to do a remake of the cult classic The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. When asked why he would do that when a fairly recent remake had already been made, his response had to be heavily censored by the magazine's editors, however, it seemed to have gone somewhat like this:
"Oh my God, what the fuck is wrong with you, I mean Jesus fucking Christ, can't you stop picking on me? It's bad enough no body knows how to spell my motherfucking name, and I'm associated with fucking Tom Cruise. Yeah, I love him, but now you have to go questioning my fucking motives for movie-making!? Haven't you seen how many fucking people my followers and I have killed, never question me again, FOOLISH HUMAN!"
The interviewer could not be located a few days later, mysteriously having choked to death on several thousand dollars in change.
See also[edit]
| |||||||||||||||||||
