A Visit To Your Door By Your Local Scientology "Charity" Fund Collector

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Hello Strange Little Man Who Has Arrived At My Door And Who Is Speaking To Me With A Really Weird Accent[edit]

Good day. I'm your local Church of Scientology "Charity" fund collecter. I was wondering if you, human, would be gullible enough- er, willing!, to donate to the cult-er, Church!, of Scientology... WHICH IS TOTALLY A LEGITIMATE RELIGION! Oops, sorry for that random outburst... I've been getting worse since I stopped taking those prescription drugs... BUT I'M TOTALLY OKAY NOW THAT I'VE STARTED TAKING "SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN" SCIENTOLOGIST TREATMENTS, WHICH ARE TOTALLY NOT OVERPRICED OR ANYTHING!- But I digress.

So What Exactly Is This "Charity" Fund Collecting For?[edit]

Oh, er, well... the cult- er, Church! TOTALLY DOES A LOT OF WORK OVERSEAS HELPING PEOPLE IN NATIONS LESS WEALTHY THAN OURS, AND TOTALLY DOES NOT HOARD ALL OF THE MONEY WHICH IS "VOLUNTARILY" DONATED TO IT (despite appearances.) No, but seriously, The Church actually managed to convert some 10 000 poor, uneducated people in various poverty-stricken African nations from that hateful cult, Christianity, into pure, righteous Scientologists! Those people are even more better off, now that we've started exacting "voluntary" funds out of them aswell! But I digress again. Where was I...oh, yes, the money you will now "willingly" donate to The Church will further help The Church in its endeavours to PURGE THE HERETICS, DESTROY THE MUTANTS, KILL ALL ENEMIES OF THE CHURCH! (, and, naturally, exact more "voluntary" funds from those "willing" adherents who probably could afford to donate more money to us than they would like us to think...)

Why Are You Covered In Blood?[edit]

Why am I covered in Blood? Oh, well, it's not actually blood. That is to say, I TOTALLY DID NOT JUST KILL THAT FUCKING CHRISTIAN WHO REFUSED TO DONATE TO THE CHURCH, AND WHO CALLED ME A SICK FREAK! No no no, it's just... tomatoe sauce you see. The only way I can keep up my personal payments to The Church is for me to hold down several jobs, almost all of which involve me putting tomatoe sauce inside tomatoe sauce containers, jobs such as these being the only jobs I can get employment for, because of my low IQ, non-existent education, lack of a life, my religious views, my tendency to stab people at even the smallest provocation, and the strange fact that basically anything placed around me ends up in my pocket...

If you were wondering why I'm so pale and thin, and why my eyes are so damn bloodshot, it's totally not because I had to donate both my kidney and my liver to The Church to help me with my weekly payments, but because of all the "scientifically proven" Scientologist medicines I've been taking to help me combat my various issues... treatments which totally do not involve the drinking of acid, arsenic-laced beverages, and the inhaling of various painkillers...

Also, The Church has started stingeing its adherents proper food- Naturally The Church doesn't want to fork out any money to feed its adherents, (who are unable to by food for themselves, having just donated all of their possessions to The Church,) and so by feeding us with "foods" such as radioactive waste and recycled toilet paper, The Church will be able to invest its money in more important things, namely, the converting of more people to The Church.

What Happens If I Decide That This Cult Church Isn't Really For Me?, And That It's Really Just A Big Scam, (WHICH IT TOTALLY IS NOT!)[edit]

Oh, well, The Church has... ways... of making non-gullible people like yourself cough up. Whilst the killing of ENEMIES like yourself is in fact condoned by our... religion... naturally we want all of your money first. You could expect to be hearing from our legal team sometime soon. On the other hand, a close relative or friend of yours might just go "missing." Alternatively one of our hit squads could force you at gunpoint to modify your Will to suit our own ends, (and then of course kill you, and dump your mutilated, organ-free corpse next to all of the other people who messed with us.) The more traditional Scientologist method of blackmail-through-use-of-dirt-from-your-past is just another way we may screw you for your every dollar. Either way, WE WILL get OUR MONEY from you, you dirty fucking human!

So What Would Be The Best Way For Me To Survive?[edit]

Naturally human, you will die. With a group such as ours, such a thing is inevitable. Maybe if you booked yourself into one of our inexpensive, cheap, affordable brainwashing auditing sessions, you would have a better chance of surviving the inevitable World War WHICH THE CHURCH TOTALLY DOES NOT INTEND TO START! Put simply, you, human, will become a slave to the Great Scientologist Empire, which shall soon rise up out of the ashes of the desolated human race. And maybe our controversial , inhumane auditing sessions will make you see things a little more clearly. Naturally each auditing session will set you back about $100 000, but hey, how else is The Church going to finance its seemingly random build-up of nuclear weapons, its digging up of extensive nuclear-bomb-proof underground vaults, and its very expensive crack legal team, WHOSE LEGAL EXPERTISE THE CHURCH IS TOTALLY NOT DEPENDENT UPON, WHICH TOTALLY DOES NOT PREVENT THE CHURCH FROM BEING SUED AND ATTACKED BY ENEMIES WHO SEEM TO BE UNDER THE CRAZY NOTION THAT WE AREN'T IN FACT A RELIGION BUT A FOR-PROFIT ORGANISATION HELL-BENT ON DESTROYING THE HUMAN RACE!- Oops, I probably shouldn't have revealed all of that information to you... I never would have done that back when I was still taking prescribed medication from non-Scientologists...

Anyway. Are you going to donate to The Church now that I've shown you that you really do not have a choice in the matter?

It Looks As If I Have No Choice In The Matter. Do I Get To Keep The Clothes I Am Wearing Right Now, Or Do You Even Want The Shirt Off My Back?[edit]

I'm afraid you're going to have to give me everything you own right here, right now. And I'm afraid that means even the clothes you're wearing right now. I'm sure they'll fetch around 20c on ebay...

Why Are You Taking Out That Particularly Large Syringe?[edit]

Oh, this? Right, well, I'm just going to have to put you to sleep for a while. When you wake up, you'll be inside your local "Church." Oh, and don't worry about the various cuts along your side, or the burn-marks around your head- I'm sure you'll manage just fine with about one third of the blood you currently have, about 50% less bone marrow, and the missing kidney and liver. You just go to sleep...

See also[edit]