Heresy
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BLASPHEMY!!! God hath declared ye article BLASPHEMOUS!!!. It shall be deleted and its author shall be smitten immediately. Thus spaketh the Lord. Do something about ye problem or else we shall be forced to bring out...the comfy chair! Duh-duh-duh! |
“Heresy is something I've done a few times. Or is that DWI? Whatever, one leads to the other... I think... Damn I need a beer.”
“Heresy Grows from Eyelessness!”
“I love Hershey's.”
“Nay it was HERESY!”
The truth hurts. When you tell the truth to a weak individual, you may make that individual cry. This is called a "rude awakening". When you tell the truth to a large, powerful segment of society, they will tar and feather you and run you out of town. If this happens to you, congratulations! You have just committed heresy.
Ancient Heresies[edit]
- The Pope doesn't really even have a political position, who is he to tell us what to do?
- The Earth is round.
- Man evolved from monkeys
- It is morally unacceptable to kill others because of their religion.
- Pork: the other white meat.
- The discovery that roast baby tastes good on sandwiches
- Neo isn't the one.
Modern Heresies[edit]
- The Earth is flat.
- Man evolved from monkeys.
- Knights of the Old Republic 2 was much more well designed than the first, and the storyline flowed a lot better.
- Michael Bolton is a talented, non-ass-clown.
- Starbucks is not the only place in the world that you can buy coffee. There are many other coffee shops that are just as good, if not better.
- Star Wars Episode I was better than Episode V, and Episode III bested the entire original trilogy.
- The 3 Matrix movies followed each other up precisely and made perfectly good sense.
- Halo will not bring about the Great Journey, but destroy all sentient life in the Universe.
- It is perfectly acceptable to put Ocean's 13 directly before Ocean's 11.
- A suicide bomber blowing up Mecca. Note: Still debatable on whether Heresy was involved due to the question if the terrorist went after non believers present.
Localized Heresy[edit]
Some heresies are considered as such only within certain groups. Such ideas might be accepted in some circles in the larger society, but prohibited only within aforementioned groups.
- Republicans: We could balance the budget by raising taxes. Also, it might not be a good idea to let dangerous or mentally unstable people own guns.
- Democrats: Maybe these people don't need a special program/law. Also, maybe this institution doesn't need reform.
- Libertarians: Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh are probably not the best choices for representing us.
- Radical Leftists: We might get more sympathy from the general public if we stopped harassing all religious people and gun owners.
- Tea Party: We don't have to call Obama a terrorist, radical, or Muslim; lets just try some constructive critism.
- Rebel Alliance: There sure was a lot less crime when Palpatine was Emperor.
- Dorothy: There are other places just as good as home, if not better.
Punishments for Heresy[edit]
Punishments for heresy have varied throughout history. Ancient examples included a plague of frogs. Wait, no, that was for slavery. Ancient examples of punishment for heresy included getting an onerous set of new laws written in stone tablets. No, shoot, that one was for idol worship. Dagnabbit, I'm sure this used to be punished.
In the Middle Ages, heresy was punished by torturing someone until they admitted to being a heretic. They were then promptly burned at the stake.
In the modern United States, heresy can be punished by getting invited to speak at the Democratic National Convention or by being forced to watch CNN or MSNBC.
In England, if convicted of heresy, you have tea at 3:00 and they are burned alive at the stake, which is ironic, because in England, one can become a heretic by having tea at 2:30. Also all Catholics are considered heretics in England, thanks to King Henry the VIII.
In the realm of the Imperium of Man in the 41st Millenium, heresy is punishable through blamming with an explosive round to the head. Those who survive are then subjected to flamethrower, mortar or tank bombing.
Managing Heresy in the Future[edit]
Heresy is a serious problem in our society, and needs to be stopped cold. It is the opinion of this author that heresy should be punished severely, and that the ancient methods of punishment (frogs, floods, having spouses turned into pillars of salt, etc.) should be brought back into use for such a purpose. God is the only one who can administer most of these punishments, however, and frankly, He's been dropping the ball lately.
Chocolate[edit]
Heresy is also a popular brand of sex chocolate used by Chase during his gay sex in the United States made in Heresy, Pennsyltucky. The name is related to the heresy mentioned above.
Additional notes: Though heresy is sometimes based on hearsay, they are not the same. Do not confuse the two. Anyone who asserts any fundamental relationship between them could find themselves in real trouble. In fact, it's fair to call it heresy to say that heresy is related to hearsay.
