HowTo:Smuggle a snow globe
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Following recent terrorism attempts, the United States Transportation Security Administration (TSA), has enacted some extreme safety measures to ensure the population believes they are doing something.
In addition to reducing the speed of the conveyor belt and upping the amount of time spent staring at the X-ray Machine's screen, the TSA has banned snow globes amongst a plethora of other highly dangerous items.
Snow globes, originally harmless pieces of memorabilia and holiday spirit, have recently become items of interest for the United States Department of Homeland Security as they've proven their utility as weapons and smuggling vessels.
Why Smuggle a Snow Globe?
Most innocent civilians will wonder why the TSA has bothered to ban snow globes. The snow globe is a modern day descendant of the Holy Hand Grenades first used by Medieval Knights
to launch balls of fire at their opponents, and disarm small, vicious, white rabbits. These traditional Anglo weapons fell out of favor for centuries, once knives were invented, but were rediscovered in Northern Ireland and have become a weapon of choice for some Islamic extremist groups.
The deadly snow globe is an ideal weapon for such low-budget organizations, since few organizations can manufacture their weapons from scratch. Most opt to use mass produced, readily available trinkets, that can be disassembled and remade into festive Molotov Cocktails. The benign, nay, joyous, appearance of these snow globes is what makes them so very dangerous.
Because many Non-Judeo–Christian-Disney cultures do not manufacture their own snow globes, the ban will result in decreased supply, and drive the demand for smuggled goods.
This How-To guide will help you achieve your snow globe smuggling dreams (and become rich in the process), whether you have larger nefarious plans, or simply want to bring your souvenir home without paying $25 to check a bag.
Methods
Here are the two most common methods. Please consider both before selecting the right method for you.
Method One: Snow Globe Breasts
If you are female, or a particularly pretty boy, this is the optimal method for you. This works best if you have small breasts to begin with, so try to recruit a modestly endowed woman or preteen.
What You'll Need
- Small breasted female, or pretty boy
- Two (2) evenly sized snow globes
- A large bra
- Duct tape
- Stretchy, but not low cut, top
- Band-aids
Once you've assembled these items, you're ready to get started.
- Place the snow globes in the bra cups, and put the bra on carefully.
- Use duct tape to secure the globes, and ensure they are level.
- Carefully put on the top. You're ready to go.
If any security screener tries to pat you down, tell them you've recently have a breast enhancement and would appreciate if they did not touch your tender breasts. Do not use snow globes that contain metal; the metal detector will catch that.
Method Two: Traditional Smuggling
Warning, this is advanced stuff. Attempt at your own risk. This method can be used by men and women alike, though it helps to be intimately aware of your (anal) sphincter.
What You'll Need
- Yourself, or a well suited, optionally willing participant
- One (1) snow globe - recommended that you use a small snow globe and work up to larger ones.
- One (1) large condom (optional)
- Two (2) Saline enemas (optional)
- Duct tape
- Latex gloves
- Astroglide (optional) [1]
- Baggy pants (optional)
Once you've assembled these items, you should clean your snow globe. Dry the snow globe carefully, and ensure there are no scratches or nicks in the surface.
- Take your scratch free, clean, snow globe, and cover it with the condom. You'll want to do this to make sure it stays clean.
- Remove your pants.
- Wash your hands.
- Lubricate the condom covered snow globe. (You may also want to apply some lubricant to your rectum.)
- Put on your latex gloves so you can handle the slippery snow globe
- Slowly work the snow globe into your butt. It's important that you go slowly, as drastic temperature changed to glass can cause it to shatter.[2]
- Once the ball of the snow globe is securely inside you, duct tape it in place.[3] You're going to be walking through the airport - you don't want it going anywhere.
- Put your pants on slowly, and try not to sit down.[4]
Safety First
When using the above method, you may wish to remove the snow globe once through security, and place it in your screened carry-on. Do this at your own risk. The pros don't need to. Work up to it. When you do remove the snow globe, remove it slowly. If you've used a condom, you can remove that, and admire your handy work.
While it is the TSA's objective to protect against the population in the face of snow globe lobbing terrorists, there are many other dangers to be wary of when it comes to snow globes. Snow globes have been known to cause abrasions, cuts, drowning, trapping your parents in an alternate universe where they have buttons for eyes, and happiness. Smuggle at your own risk, and stay safe.
Notes
- ↑ Astroglide is readily available, but Maximus might be better for this purpose; find it online
- ↑ Smuggling snow globes may result in shards of glass in various body parts
- ↑ Professionals don't need duct tape
- ↑ The snow globe may not fit at first; duct tape will help avoid sudden evacuation of the snow globe, however it is best to work up from small snow globes to larger snow globes giving the sphincter time to adjust.
See Also
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Featured version: 18 February 2010 |
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