Extreme Stamp Licking

Extreme Stamp Licking is a particularly radical sport which came about in the early 21st century as part of the emerging craze for taking 'ordinary' pastimes and making them infinitely more interesting. Working around the process of licking postage stamps to an unhealthy extreme, the game evoked much controversy in many societies around the globe and was ultimately banned outright worldwide in 2005. The last global competition was held in 2004 Olympics. Let it be noted that lesbians would be PROS at this XTREME sport.

How it is played

An irritated stamp collector and victim of Extreme Stamp Licking, interviewed in front of his now ruined stamp collection

The 'extreme' element of the sport gains its reputation in the way it is played. A group of two or more people get together and select the house of an individual that collects stamps. They then hide nearby, staking out at the location until the house is empty. Then, it is a simple race to see who can break into the house, find the person's collection and successfully lick and apply as many stamps as possible to a pre-selected surface.

Winning the game

The person who can find and apply the most stamps is the winner, and receives the satisfaction of being able to witness the loser, who is required to remain in the house until the occupant(s) return, struggle to escape from the now irate stamp-collector. For the loser, the penalties can be harsh - they can often find themself being chased down the street by bespectacled individuals wielding heavy dictionaries.

History

Many dangerous games involving stamp licking were developed through the ages, although none of them required as much mobility as modern days Extreme Stamp Licking

Conceived in 2000 by retired English postman Graham Hick as 'Stamp Licking', the sport was originally much more conventional and less danger-fraught. It soon caught on amongst bored youths and a more violent extreme variant emerged in inner-city areas. This variation on the original, which resembled what Extreme Stamp Licking would eventually become to be known as, was much more preferable to Britain's misguided youths as it was less expensive and involved the ever-appealing element of violence.

Controversy

Despite its many merits, Extreme Stamp Licking does have many negative aspects, evidenced by the events which occurred following the 2002 inaugural unofficial stamp-licking World Cup. Seven stamp-collectors were killed mainly by blows to the knee and nether regions. A further thirteen were injured, though these was predominantly superficial, although it was reported that one was rendered bed-ridden for days with a sprained wrist.

As a direct result of the problems highlighted by the sport, many countries phased out the traditional 'lick and stick' version of stamps, instead opting for new technological advances. Some governments have even eradicated stamps from their postal system completely, such as the UK, who have resorted to sellotaping 50-pence pieces to envelopes in a bid to crack down on stamp-licking addiction. This method failed however when during a postal strike the 50 pence pieces all came off.

Worldwide banning

Extreme Stamp Licking was banned outright worldwide in 2005, when the World Postal Regulation Organisation ruled that the sport had become overly outrageous and hazardous to the health of innocent geeks stamp-collectors around the globe.

However, the sport is still practiced 'on the underground' (both metaphorically and literally) in many cities by bored gangs, who have euphemistically called it "Extreme Envelope Licking" or "Pushing the envelope". This has led to the founding of the Stamp Collector Protection organisation by local mafia. More unofficially, the invention of anti-thug devices by threatened stamp-collectors have been an effective measure in recent times.

See also

• Drug addiction
• Extreme Programming
• Extreme Olympics
• Extreme Tiddley-Winks
• Extreme Kite Buggy Ironing
• Extreme Hide and Seek

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