HowTo:Win a Fight Against Your Dog

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So, you've accepted the Challenge?

In order to successfully disable a dog's defenses and render them harmless, you'll have to first learn how to combat them in a number of "Qwick-To-Lern" ways, including biochemical warfare, guerrilla tactics, and the correct weapons to arm yourself with. But, we'll start at the basics; the very first and foremost steps you should take in order to combat the dog.

This is what you'll be fighting, you'd be wise to be prepared.

Step 1: If you already don't have one, get a dog: Step 1 is incredibly vital, as it is not wise to fight another person's dog.

Step 2: Create an invulnerable, airtight and soundproof planning room with many security measures as an HQ: This room can also be used as a last fall back point where you can make your peace with god quietly before the end comes. If you have ever played the game Spy vs. Spy, try to avoid doing anything you saw happen in it.

Step 3: Buy provisions: There's no telling how long a dog siege can last, but approximately anywhere from 5 hours to 4 weeks.

Step 4: Be mentally as well as physically prepared for anything: The little bastards are craftier than you'd think, be ready for anything.

Arsenal

Tip

It's a good idea to equip your squad with a variety of weapons, so you can handle just about any situation. Better than every single person carrying the same short ranged rifle, then the dog is in a bell tower with a sniper and He pwns everyone and you have to respawn, right?

What follows is a short guide that will help you to find a good weapon for fighting the canines.

1. An Army of boy scouts is an effective weapon. They may not do anything, but they'll definitely act as wonderful bait for your dog while you go run and hide.
2. Chuck Norris
3. Jason Statham
4. Often the Yakuza could provide a good amount of weapons. Or as they say: Weapwons.
5. If fighting a grue shepherd (a rare breed of dog mixed with grue), you're screwed. Don't even try to run.

Rules

• Powerful does not mean incredibly heavy

Often, you'll find yourself having to retreat from skirmishes, so you should be able to run for a considerable distance before running out of breath.

• Close combat renders ranged weapons ineffective

How well will you be able to shoot when your puppy is on top of you tearing your face to shreds? Carry a close combat weapon, preferably some kind of slicing weapon. Blunt weapons aren't as effective.

• Decapitation = Instant Kill

Previously thought to have no weakness scientists have recently discovered that the dogs can be rendered harmless by decapitiation.

These are just some guidelines you should follow, but they are not set in stone.

Now onto assembling your team.

Assembling a Team

You really didn't think you could fight dogs by yourself, did you? You'll need a well trained and incredibly deadly team of specialists in order to fight them. You should assemble them into the following categories:

• Demolitions Expert

A good choice, and any team is pretty much incomplete without a good demolitions expert. Whether it's a dog supply bridge that needs to be removed, or maybe just a water bowl, they can take them out with a large explosion.

If everything goes as planned, this should happen.

• Marksman

When it's necessary to only take a single, covert shot from afar to remove the dog, a marksman is your only choice. They best work when alone and have a good vantage point, such as on your roof, overlooking the doghouse in the backyard. They can wait for days before taking that one, deadly shot.

• Generic Trooper

The generic trooper is a multitasking goon, and they're usually the first to die in the movie, within the first 30 minutes. They'll often shout phrases in the midst of combat such as "I'm out", "Taking fire!", "Need assistance!" or "I'M HIT!!! OH Fudge!"

Special Equipment

Your team should be designated with the radio/GPS/communications, so that they can have direct contact back to you. Some fragmentation grenades should be used, and each squad mate should be equipped with about 3 each. In different terrain situations or exceptions, such as if your dog barricades itself within the house and cuts the power, you should break out the shotguns and pistols, and everyone should have flashlights and extra batteries.

Tactics For Attack

Many kinds of fighting have been employed against the dog, some more successful than others.

• Biochemical Warfare

The best (but hardest to carry out) strategy against defeating a dog relies on quarantining an area with the dog inside it, then carpet bombing it with harmful gases, poisons, diseases and the like. Due to the obvious difficulty of having to quarantine the beast in one area, and then having it stay there long enough for it to choke and die on the hazardous materials.

• Good Ol' "Cinematic" approach

Send in one guy with the only gun in the whole squad through some crowded and dark air ducts, then the dog slowly gets closer and everyone yells into the microphone "IT'S BEHIND YOU, DAMNIT!!!" Then all that is heard is screams and the audio cuts out. Moments later, all the lights go out and some one says, "OMG... THEY CUT THE LIGHTS..." Unfortunately, this strategy always ends in only one person making it out alive in a very cinematic exit, often leaping from a huge explosion or jumping on the helicopter at the last minute and escaping. It does lead to good reviews in theaters though!

Oh noes! The dogs are going to kill the stag! Kill them, Horny Horse Man!

Cavalry Charge Train your squad in the art of mounted combat, then send them in to trample/destroy the target dog. Usually quite effective, but can sometimes result in one or more of your squad falling off and being consumed by the dog. Most effective when using lances or spears, and usually one person equipped with some kind of ranged ballistic weapon, ot Weapwon accoring to the Yakuza .

Tactics for Defense

• Last Stand

If you find yourself completely overwhelmed and defeated during an attack, you and the remainder of your squad must retreat to your secured Stronghold (mentioned before) and hold your ground there, until the last of you finally falls to the furry opposition. Usually, you'll have to yell motivational phrases at your squad, and be prepared for one or more of your mates to commit suicide or run. If they try to flee, be sure to shoot them in the back as they run for disobeying orders.

Tip

The best defense against a dog is a heavily entrenched area, barricades and all. Remember, you shouldn't carry a cantaloupe, a large kind of nut, because dogs love 'em. If you do happen to have one, proclaim "I've got a bad rash, back away." (Cited from the Dog Article, section "Cat and Dog fusion.")

• Stubborn Defense, Followed by Heroic Charge when reinforcements arrive

The situation is, your in the backyard, cornered by the fence and an overwhelming amount of dogs are closing on you. You think your only choice is the Last Stand, but then, you hear a rumbling in the distance. Even the dogs stop their suppressing fire to listen. Then, from around the street rumbles two transports and a huge Bradley Assault tank, and you see on of your squad mates who abandoned you before jump off the transport and starts firing. The dogs, now outnumbered, cover each other's retreat with machine gun fire, and you charge at them, pwning the stragglers and taking back the front line.

• First Defense

During the opening days of the battle, you set up a base camp with your supplies, and there are small dog attacks probing your defenses. Usually followed (about halfway into the film) by a huge ambush that only one person suspected but no one listened to him, crushing your defenses. The crushing ambush is optional, and is mostly only used in high budget war films, or in video games.

In the 18th Century, they had the right idea (Overwhelm the dog with cannon fodder), but didn't carry it out correctly.

Dog Assault Tactics

So, you know how to use tactics against the dog, but do you know what kinds of tactics they'll use against you?

• Canine Charge

Mostly used to crumble morale, the dogs will charge forward, teeth barred and snarling, too many of them to kill before they reach your battle lines and rip everything to shreds. Commonly used by Doberman, a ferocious breed of dog, as they are large and come in large numbers.

• Stealth Ambush

Usually used in combination with a larger force, they flank the human lines from behind with Dog assassins, systematically killing off machine gun posts and weakening the line, as well as halting the retreat of the enemy, picking them off as they run towards them. Commonly employed by German Shepards and Collies, two breeds adept at stealth tactics.

Tip

If you ever find yourself ambushed by Dog Assassins, remember to stay together and don't go down a dark hallway alone, wait for reinforcements. The assassins tend to go after lone troopers first, as they are not effective against groups.

• Pincer Movement (A.K.A Dual Flanking)

The hardest strategy to counter, usually smarter dog commanders will use this method. It consists of sending in two or more special forces squads on each side of the battle line to hit the weaker points in the line, while the brunt of the fighting force attacks head on, hopefully buying enough time for the special forces to breach the line. A good way to counter this strategy is to have a shorter line of defense, with more troops less spread out and multiple machine gun posts covering each other.

C R I M E S