Suspicious Eyeball Movements
A suspicious eyeball movement is the art of doing damage upon someone's life by the movement of the eyes and/or mother's eyes. Doing a damaging eyeball movement can cause havoc, chaos, cancer and can even possibly be fatal to the one you're doing the eyeball movement to. It is highly discouraged to do this at home, even under the influence of baked beans, tacos, or other hallucinogenic drugs.
There are various eyeball movements, which incur various types of bad things. This article will summarize these for you and suggest counter-acting eyeball movements in case someone inflicts damage using an eyeball movement.
Shifty Eyed Dog[edit]
Best used when surrounded by multiple enemies. The shifty eyed dog is used to convey complete awareness of the fact that you're surrounded by enraged lunatics. It is done simply by looking left and right, quite quickly or at the common interval of 1 second per flip over.
How to perform
Stand as if ready to pounce. Then look left, then look right, do not move your body, left and right, left and right. Repeat repeatedly, until the repetition starts to repeat itself.
The counter-attack
If you're on the sharp end of a shifty eyed dog do not approach them. They are extremely dangerous and the radiation emitted by the eyes of the shifty eyed dog can cause severe tentacle growth on lower body regions, spontaneous combustion, and quite possibly acute diarrhea if you get within three feet of the perpetrator. It is therefore advised you put on woolen socks before getting any closer.
The involuntary look up to the ceiling as if nothing's happened movement[edit]
This one is favoured by people who wish to summon havoc and panic into the victims mind. The victim thinking you've done something terribly wrong with their life will say "What the hell have you done?".
How to perform
Feet equal distance apart, wait till subject comes into eyeball seeing range distance, initiate a conversation then look up to the sky as if nothing's happened.
The counter-attack
The counter attack to The Involuntary Look up the Ceiling as if Nothing's happened movement is simple. Simply do the attacking procedure as described above but instead of looking up to the sky as if nothings happened look down to the ground as if you've disgraced your oriental family.
The Foul look in the eyes[edit]
This will bring shame upon the victim of the stare, they will think they've done something wrong, begin to panic then commit seppuku to prevent any further damage.
How to perform
One leg in front, one leg behind you, start stretching your hamstring muscles by pushing forward on your front leg. Wait till the victim nears you and say 'Hey Dave!'. The victim, unknown and taken completely unaware by the fact you've called them Dave will say 'Yes?' Once this happens look them in the eyes with a frown and a taste of disdain upon your face and say 'You eat my family?' or some other propostrous sentence.
The counter-attack
Often following this eye-ball movement you'll have a strong urge to commit seppuku, this is not advised. Instead, increase the height of your left or right eyebrow and say 'You dare to challenge me?' This will confuse the attacker and often result in him running away in dismay.
Rising head forms idiot look on face eyeball movement[edit]
This one is done by professional eyeballers who intend to strike passers by unaware, used in the cold war by MI6 operatives in communist Russia this eyeball movement can cause strokes, heart attacks and other various panic triggered diseases. It is highly useful if a KGB agent or any other agent, including various bleaching agents are following you.
How to perform
This movement is fairly easy to commit even by civilians; usually the victim will be following you, thinking you don't know that they know that you know that he/she is following you. Walk around a corner making sure your victim is following you still, possibly by using a mirror or some type of inverted viewing device. Suddenly crouch to the ground and pretend you're tieing your shoe laces. Wait until the follower/victim is within eyeball viewing distance then contort your face as much as possible making sure your lower jaw sticks out like a crazed lunatic. Making sure you've still got your contorted face; slowly but surely stand up and look straight into the eyes of the oncoming stalker/follower. So long as you've got the right person the follower will stare blankly at you for around 5 to 10 seconds until they encounter a heart attack and he/she dies.
The counter-attack
This is more of a preventative measure. If you're following someone and they suddenly crouch down, you should, instead of waiting till they get back up, simply sit on their head to prevent movement.
The Oooookay, Eyebrow Raise[edit]
This will cause the victim to have a brain fart, stroke, loss of bowels, or complete mental breakdown. This should be used only as a last resort and only when the intended target is alone, for use in a crowd will result in innocent bystanders receiving the effects.
How to perform
Allow your victim to continue talking about any subject and once your victim makes a certain comment, quickly give him a blank look and then slowly raise your right eyebrow. (Note: User must only raise right eyebrow, if he or she raises their left or both eyebrows they will not reach the desired effect.) Your eyes must have a pitied look upon them when looking upon the victim, and maintain eyesight for a few seconds. The victim will immediately stop thinking or have a stroke. Longer exposure to the technique will force complete bowel movement or complete mental breakdown.
The counter-attack
There is no known counter attack once someone is attacked, but there are preventive measures. Upon seeing a blank face quickly reiterate your point, change subjects or tackle the perpetrator and set fire upon his/her face as to prevent further progress.
| ||||||||||||||||||||