Most Haunted

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Most Haunted logo, scary isn't it!

“Certainly put the willies up me”

~ Noel Coward on Most Haunted

Most Haunted is a British comedy television show hosted by a group of people. The show features several individuals running around inside old buildings carrying infrared video cameras pointed every which way (some of which go in places they shouldn't) recording loads and seldom capturing what they set out to capture. At every new building the mentally challenged people always use a round table where they all sit around it and call out for ghosts. Most claim to hear voices from the past calling out to them. "Overall this show has been a complete success. Although some "believers" watch the show because they believe what they see is real. And a spoon being thrown just over the camera man's shoulder couldn't possibly fake. This show was also the cause of the spinoff of this show, Ghost Hunters, in which several people go into buildings with guns attempting to shoot ghosts, though in their 14 episodes they have never come close except in one particularly exciting episode where they thought they had killed one (it turned out to be a rat).


“Unexplained pounds... blood-curdling creams... shadowy chocolate figures... who are they?”

~ Dawn French on Most Haunted

Ghosts use a number of methods to communicate with the living.

The show's 14 or so episodes are currently broadcast in a never ending cycle of repeats on Cable TV, though once in a while, they pull out all the stops and actually record a new show, which happens when the whole crew is stoned enough to actually want to record a new one! This, combined with the usual shrieks and evil laughing that accompany this and the next section of the show, entitled "'Hide and Seek Gone Wild'", have only added to the show's popularity among young boys and virgins.

A feature of the show that has enhanced this is the green light night vision sequences. These feature the screen in an eerie green glow and Yvette says that this is to draw out the ghost attacks. Unfortunately for Yvette, this has caused more sexual trauma for the group than she could have guessed. The basic premise of the show is that... SURPRISE! They're hunting ghosts and other supernatural beings. A typical episode might go something like this: "What's that? It looks like something shiny. OH MY GOD, IS THAT A GHOST?" (Camera shakes dramatically) "Oh, never mind. It's just a doorknob. (Viewer turns television off).


The series has been on the air for over nine years,. To give the illusion that episodes are new, the editors usually add in different background music, or change the lines by a word or two. Very few of the show's viewers have picked up on the fact that the same episodes are being reissued over and over again. While some say the strategy won't work, others have strong faith in the series' ability to air the same episodes for years to come.

The show has also become the basis for several exercise programs in Britain, because running around buildings in tights trying to capture elusive GHOSTS burns a lot of calories. Sort of like those awesome swimsuits you see those Olympians wearing.


Early publicity shot for Most Haunted, showing the team in the process of capturing a ghost. (image may have been doctored)
Members of the Most Haunted team taken before they were arrested for breaking and entering.

Derek Acorah[edit]

Liverpool comedian that brings some much needed comic relief to the show with his ten minute slot "What's that Sam?" Questions usually asked could include any of the following:

Some quotes from him include:

{{Q|What's that Sam?|Derek Acorah}


~ Derek Acorah


~ Derek Acorah


~ Derek Acorah

“Oh does she Derek?.”

~ You on above quote

Yvette Fielding[edit]

  • She's totaled a total of 14 Most Haunted vans while trying to successfully navigate to the investigation..

Some quotes from her include:

“Marco! (from ghosts) Polo! <Yvette touches a ghost>. Found ya! <Ghost humps Yvette>”

~ Yvette Fielding

all round funny guy, who loves the attention, and making out he is Fine, yea fine... oh my god!

  • The Brian Shephard drinking game! drink a pint every time he says 'oh my god!', you'll be drunk within 10 minutes
  • What's that?? What's that???? There's something here with us.....UURRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! OOOOOOAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Figure!!!!!!11111 lol! :D

Some quotes from him include:

David Wells[edit]

Medium who really isn't a medium. He likes to think that he sees images and hears the voices of ghosts in his head, but that is in fact the result of massive hangovers as well as that bullet that was left in his head for too long without being removed. David usually gets frightened of ghosts easily, and most of his recent investigations have made him piss his pants.

Facts about David Wells:

Some quotes from him include:

Richard Felix[edit]

This is Most Haunted' team's very own know-it-all so-called historian who can only speak in two-syllabel dialect. He also claims to be a historian, but everyone just says that he says that because he thinks he's a rich know-it-all or is a ruse to get attention. Most of the information that he gives the Most Haunted team is usually incorrect and often times makes them go in the wrong direction when he is leading them to the scene of the next investigation. While on investigations, he is usually able to find balls of lights called orbs, but these are usually just bugs and dust. He then gets really excited and acts like a little kid.

Things you don't want to know about Richard Felix:

  • He's lead the Most Haunted team a total of 46.5 miles in the wrong direction.
  • He's fed the team false information about potential investigation spots 21 times.
  • He's not the historian he claims to be.
  • He loves prostitutes.
  • He likes walking around the Queen Mary for Hours, but has a perculiar and unnatural fear of it sinking, even though the thing in is a F****ING Dry dock ffs!

Some quotes from him include:

“Just a little bit longer! I want to play with the little ghostie for a few more minutes!”

~ Richard Felix

“There is... a ghost... in this... house, yes... there is.”

~ Richard Felix

John Malkovich[edit]

John Malkovich was hired by the Most Haunted team, because his puppetry career was failing, and

John on the Far Left, as Lenin

he was a skitso with John Cusack in his head. He was hired for one series, to dress up like ghosts (not semi translusent clothing, god no), and to really get into their time zone. however, only one episode was recorded with him in it, as he had seemed to lure the ghost of Vladamir Lenin, as he accused him of being his twin brother

Some quotes from him include:

“Fair... People... of...”

~ John Malkovich


~ John Malkovich

“Im Animated in this? oh no, just Beahow wolfie!.”

~ John Malkovich

“I've never played a jewel theif.”

~ John Malkovich


~ John Malkovich

Most Haunted LIVE[edit]

Not content with the endless run of repeats on Living TV, the producers of the show realized that they could make extra money by packing a load of gullible weirdos into a theatre or TV Studio while showing them a large screen projector image of previously recorded "action", under the title of Most Haunted Live. This spin-off show proved to be really popular amongst the Tree Hugging Community, members of the Spiritualist Church and Mick from Stockport who constantly rings in to tell the team that he can see a hooded figure on web cam two.

Unfortunately, the Tree Hugging Community and the members of the Spiritualist Church were offended when Most Haunted Live decided to do a mock-up of a LIVE SHOW in Transylvania, Romania, and wrote many angry letters to the producers of the show, demanding the funding they provided to help produce the show saying, "that it was inhumane and utterably CRUEL to have filmed a show there." The show is best remembered for the numerous references to Vlad the Impaler, and some terrible gag about "the post being the Czech". Other people believe that the translators used on the show were actually just saying gibberish instead of correctly translating their words into the languages they were supposed to.