Proxima Centauri and the aliens of Porrila

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“I do not know if there are other inhabited planets in the universe. If there are I am sure we will sodomize the inhabitants should they appeal to us. ”

~ Oscar Wilde

Proxima Centauri is a star just over 4 light years from the Earth with a sticky, muddy planet called Porrila in orbit. There are weird alien Centaurians living round there: I mean "weird" in terms of their lifestyle. They have little or no respect for human customs such as "not being weird".

The aliens are noted for colourful tentacles, colourful eyespots and other colourful body parts. They tend to have names like, “Blue Tentacles the 5th” and “Yellow Eyespots the 23rd”. The names give some indication how the different Centaurians would look under the mud that they frequently wear.

Swimming Centaurian

Centaurian astronomers will discover the planet Earth some time during the 21st or 22nd Century. Centaurians feel superior to Earthlings. Partly this is because the previously mentioned Earthlings cannot appreciate the supremely attractive properties of mud . incidentally Centaurians think it's cool to be just a head with tentacles. They feel sorry for us because they think we look utterly ugly.


A fine and muddy example of a fine and muddy natural mudbath. Mud of this quality tends to be reserved for ruling elite.

The people of Porrila are noted for their exquisite love of mud. They are especially impressed with mud that is extremely wet and sticky. The very best mud is reserved for kings and the upper classes. Lower classes make do with inferior or less sticky mud. Mud absolutely must contain sufficient numbers of high quality creepy crawlies. High quality creepy crawlies give out plenty of edible slimy goo when squeezed. Vegetarian Centaurians look for plants that give out adequate goo. The goo must be similarly slimy. Centaurians feel sorry for us because we don't enjoy mud and slime as they do.

Fashion sense[edit]

During some seasons fashion conscious Centaurians plaster mud round their heads till they can’t move those eyestalks and can’t see properly. Centaurians are relieved when the fashion changes and they can decorate themselves a different way. In the next season the fashion may be for mud at the tips of Centaurian tentacles. Then Centaurians can see properly but can’t manipulate. Other Centaurians think this fashion business is silly.

Rich Centaurians stick attractive jewelry into the mud that they use for decoration. They believe this looks beautiful. They also show how wealthy they are as they can afford the risk of losing their jewels should they fall out. Different types of jewels are fashionable in different seasons, such as the Carrot for spring. Poorer Centaurians make do with ordinary pebbles and other cheaper decorations. Many believe that these ordinary decorations are just as attractive and less ostentatious.

Centaurian social structure[edit]

Sadly Centaurian social structure is Anal and Conservative.

Oppressors oppress and the downtrodden struggle to obtain the basic amenities that they so desperately need. Finding sufficient mud for a proper bath can be a daily struggle for the less well off. Meanwhile rulers selfishly keep the best mud for themselves. Those who oppose the system risk being thrown into hellish prisons where they are considered unworthy of even low grade of mud.

Wait a moment! They can’t be anal. Hey they haven’t got anuses. It’s all confusing.

Ways to address Centaurians without offending them[edit]

These are all Ignorable policies. You ignore them at your peril.

  • The Correct way to address a ruler or other member of the elite is,

“You whose mudbath is always wet and sticky.”
Anything else would imply that the elite Centaurian can’t ensure a wet, sticky mudbath and would be a gross insult.

  • The Correct way to address a prosperous, middle class Centaurian,

"May your mudbath be always wet and sticky.“
A more exalted address would be impolite as it would imply that the prosperous, middle class Centaurian was trying to get above himself. An inferior address would also be grossly insulting.

  • The Correct way to address a less prosperous Centaurian manual worker,

“May you always have a mudbath.“ or alternatively, “May you never be without a mudbath.”
Centaurian manual workers can always afford homes with at least rudimentary mudbaths. They are however less secure. Any serious downturn in the economy could deprive them of the resources for an adequate home and mudbath. Unemployed manual workers can find themselves in meagre hovels without even basic amenities. They can even be forced to join the homeless beggars of Porrila. The above address shows kindly concern that a manual worker will not suffer severe misfortune. Naturally expressing kindly concern is far cheaper than offering practical help like providing a job or providing the money to start a business.

  • The Correct way to address an unemployed, homeless Centaurian,
The inferior type of mudbath the homeless use.

“May you find a mudbath.”
Homeless Centaurians can almost always find mudbaths. Their need for mud is so desperate. They bath free in natural swamps and river deltas. It is sometimes difficult to see why the homeless Centaurian mudbath is inferior to a mudbath for the ruling class. Centaurians insist there are tangible differences and it is in no way simply a case of snobbery. Compassionate Centaurians sometimes give them more than they need for basic food. Sadly compassionate concern is far more frequent than money. When they have received compassionate gifts homeless Centaurians can pay to use mudbaths. When even that is impossible they go to mudbaths provided free by Charitable Institutions.

  • The Correct way to address a Centaurian in prison is,

“May you have a mudbath on your release.”
Prisoners do not get mudbaths. They are being punished. By no means is everyone kind to criminals in prison. If you want to be kind to a Prisoner you express hope that he will get a mudbath later.

  • The Correct way to address a Centaurian with a life sentence in prison is,

“May you stoically accept life without mudbaths.”
There is no requirement to be kind to serious criminals with life sentences. None the less this is a compassionate way to address a lifer.

More on alien plans for Earth[edit]

Centaurians are currently developing/going to develop Starships capable of crossing the distance between Porrila and the Solar System. A problem is holding them up. Their starship design absolutely must incorporate a large mudbath with separate sections for officers and crew. They need enormous amounts of energy to maintain an ecology of creepy crawlies required for an acceptable Centaurian mudbath. They need firm barriers to prevent the superior creepy crawlies that officers eat wriggling into the crews' section. Inferior crew members are unworthy even to touch the better creepy crawlies.

When they arrive here they will have ambitious plans to convert places like the Houses of Parliament in London and Central Park situated in New York, Washington, DC into mudbaths to help us learn appreciation for the better qualities of mud. Some more ambitious Centaurians even believe it will be morally correct to force Earthlings to spend time in mudbaths regularly so we can learn the value of mud. This, they believe will not be cruel as they will do it for our own good. Prominent Terran figures like George W Bush, John McCain and others should be setting an example by enjoying public mudbaths but have sadly neglected their duty.

They are believed to be writing their own version of Wikipedia, based on this recently discovered article fragment found at Area 54:

"Miley Cyrus or The Terran is a self aware dna based organism from the planet called Earth by its fellow self aware residents of the same genotype. it is primarily recognized for its advanced level of social mimicry despite being in the typically socially undeveloped early years of its period of fertility, and belongs to the division of its genotype which transmits the extranucleic dna material essential for motile organisms, as well as bearing the embryo in its body. while not having reproduced, it is a focus for the sexual and emotional attention of many of its genotype, due to its image and behaviors being transmitted through electronic/silicon based communication structures. it is capable of producing complex sequences of empathy generating sounds not exclusively related to symbolic communication, locally known as "music". these signals allow many of its peers and subpeers in temporal biological/psychological development to obtain emotional satisfaction, which purportedly assists them in their overall development as members of a highly social genotype. it is the offspring of two sexually reproducing organisms one of which is a similarly skilled and recognized organism, using "music" to establish empathic connection at a distance with a wider range of members of its genotype than its "daughter" organism."

So that's what they think of us!