This article is not about the Vampire ant's poetry club, or your feelings.
“ [Vampire ants] are more than just a theory. ”
“The ancient Dracula lineage diverged from their ant ancestors before the advent of food-sharing behavior and the ability to regurgitate food. Instead, they poke holes in the abdomen of ants to suck on the blood of their victims. ”
“ I knew that the moment the great governing Vampire fangs strikes the blow to divide all humanity into just two opposing factions, I would be on the side of the common people.”
By definition Vampire ants are the undead ants which feed on the blood plasma of the living ants. They're the hooker's of the insect world, thought to be stuck somewhere between life and death. Ants are scavenger animals just like vampires. Vampire ants, on the other hand, are extremely unsocial. The colonies of undead ants act as a disunified whole described as individual organisms, a stark contrast with ant colonies which effectively work together, often termed superorganism.
The dead always inform the living, nothing does this more efficiently than the written word, unfortunately its effectiveness is often lost on ants. Today, vampires are considered to be folklore or mythological in nature since modern society has divulged ficticious creatures from reality, like spirits, zombies, unicorns, invisible teapots, and spaghetti monsters. But like all things supernatural, even super AIDS, they're tenably real and should be taken with great care and caution. Supernatural entities inhabit both reality and super-reality. The burden of proof always lies with authorities figures and not on the shoulders of the common people. So proceed, knowing full well this is very very real.
These solitary iniquitous ants were first discovered in southern Argentina near the city of San Carlos de Bariloche, and like anything spanish, it's explosive. The last working water hole in the whole city is now overrun by tiny Vampire ants. Vampire ants are typical ants during the daytime foraging, counting sand, and making crafts; by dusk the vampire ants have already begun transforming into tiny vampire moths biting other ants near the water hole, in turn, turning little innocent virgin nun ants and all-things-holy in Christ's name into devilish vampire ants themselves. This is all true. The ants look normal enough, but they're not, they're dedicated Ptolemy astrologists serving the Antichrist. By the first full moon these seemingly normal virgin ants have been fully infected by the physically altering Vampire virus Draculasis, bring about a continuous hellhound howling followed by glue-huffing harrowled screeching and a new slim Transsylvania fanged moth figure.
The ants travel by tracking Jupiter's chariot harp music during the daytime and echo resonnance and moonlight triangulation by night. Although it's true, ants' musical talents are non-existent, like bears and bee stings, evil informs evil.
Their only source of food is blood, a trait called hematophagy. If the target victim is too large, these insular hunters, blood thirsty Vampire moth-ants, will come together simutaneously attacking, a group-trait called hematophagy orgy.
They subsist primarily off blood, but ostensively pursue holy water and cocaine at any cost, often resulting in panther killing, man-tooth biting, whore island raping, kitty cat stompeding, and hormonally invading anything in their path.
Vampire ants (hereforth Vamp ants) have no natural habitat, Vamp ants (henceforth V bots) are completely invasive, like global warming and children. Some think the last remaining water hole in San Carlos de Bariloche is the nesting ground for the droves of solidary V bots (Vampire ants) because of the religious relic that sits at its top, what some of the locals colloquially know as the 'Holy Mary'.
“ It's the last place you'd think to look, that's why it makes so much sense they'd nest there. ”
Virgin nun ants have flocked, crawled, and wanderlusted their way to the statue for years, as a form of ectopic migration. Vampire ants are endemic to religious relics as a guise to their demonic nature, so naturally they like assholes. It might also seem that they prefer moist dark places in the ground, hence the term broadly invoked to describe ants everywhere, "Nature's Catheters".
It's believed that the Vampire ants contain a toxin known as psoralen, a known mutagen that can damage DNA and tissue and also causes extreme sensitivity to sunlight in humans. The funny thing about psoralen is that it only becomes active in the sunlight, coincidence?
Tourism will increase considerably wherever these devilish ants decided to suicide bomb. It's estimated that tourism will increase by a rate of 65.44% over 22% of one year 911% of the time. This means seasonal employment will invariably suffer as tourists continue to kill Jew ants with bombs.
“ I haven't done much traveling lately. I used to come down to the water hole four or five times a year. This year? Maybe once, but I don't know about those vampire ants. I'm on a fixed income and you can only do so much traveling, even in countries with vampire ants. ”
Vampire ants pose a real threat not only to San Carlos employment and ant ecology, but also to the people themselves. Tourism is a more serious threat than previously thought possible.
“They bite, they're ants, vampire ants. ”
No symptoms seem to accompany the bite in humans, but the city has issued a full alarma roja or security lock-down and curfew requiring everyone to be indoors before 7pm, locking their doors, changing their underwear, and to remain in their houses avoiding churches, clutching religious icons, phallic objects, and sleeping in tubs of holy water, until American scientists have time to study the ants more carefully.
Unfortunately, no one has yet to capture the ant, as they turn into moths and fly away, but the locals are sure they exist. In the daytime there are ants, and at night, there are moths. It's the only explanation that explains both phenomenon best.
“Since the ants are not reflected in the well's water, they polymorph into moths, and they're living-dead, they must be vampire ants.”
The city has taken civil action against these demon pests by allicinizing their water supply, a compound of garlic in hopes of detering the ants from biting other ants and tourists around the water hole. The chemopreventive property of garlic is related in part to its induction of phase II detoxification enzymes.
The only real hope until an American scientist or the Pope arrives to perform an exorcist is the governmental issued minature wooden spikes or toothpicks being implimented to kill and control the vampire ant problem. Citizens have found silver bullets do in fact exterminate the beady black blood-thirsty critters, but the ants outnumber the bullets by 200 to 1.
There are exactly four things people speculate about Vampire ants:
- Taste: Thought to taste like beef jerky tic tacs, their intoxicating flavor gives high level penile bloodflow concentrations misleading most users to believe they can communicate with women.
- Horse Power: Let's just say, it's a no pants dance.
- Weapon of Choice: Pure gasoline odor that ignites the lungs like a poopy dick covered in burnt hair.
- Horniness: Wetter than big nessy's clam.
Speculation as to whether toothpicks are phallic objects curtail recent preventive measures. If they are, a large scale reverse-implication procedure should be put into effect immediately.
These ants may be pests, but they're very industrial. Their greatest export after living-death, is of course prophane yard gnomes that make crude sexual and civil disobedient gestures.
How to Order
Despite the precautions listed above, no government recognizes the validity of the claims that vampire ants exist. That's why, for a limited time offer, you can order your very own vampire ant kit, complete with vampire ant and religious relic. Call now! (Delivered on stalks of celery by telekinesis).
- A bandwagon humor meme infecting Uncyclopedia.
- Completely true, see Kevin Trudeau's website