Candlejack
“What could possibly be said about Candlejack that hasn't al”
Candleja.. ..woah, that was a close one. I almost said his name!
You see, 'this guy' is a type of bogeyman that abducts anyone who dares utter his name. This phenomenon was first documented in 1995 on an episode of The SyFy Channel paranormal research show Freakazoid!. He became known world-wide when a large number of 4chan readers went missing.
I would tell you more about him, but the question is: How am I going to write this article without saying his name? Hmm...
I've got it! I'll replace the 'l' with a capital 'i'. I'll really be saying "Candie Jack". It looks exactly the same. See: CandIejack, as opposed to Candlejack. You can't tell the dif
Origins[edit]
Nobody really knows where Condle Jack came from, as all who have ever seen him have wound up as lifeless husks, and thus are unavailable for comment. However, rumors circulating around the Internet have suggested that Candle John was first created in an unholy union between Jack the Ripper and The Boogeyman, who, in naming him, were drained of life and met their untimely deaths. After this sad event, Kindle Jack made several attempts at friendship, which resulted in sheer horror for all who encountered him. Lonely and afraid, Candle Jack took up a candle, some rope and began his miss
It should be noted that some believe Candl Jack to have originated in the TV show Freakazoid! and to have gained popularity on the imageboard 4chan. However, these people are morons and have no clue as to Candle Jack's true orig
Past activity[edit]
As before, it is impossible to know Lighter Jack's exact activity because it is not possible to survive seeing him. However, thanks to many posts on the internet by his numerous victims, one can gain a rough idea of his position throughout the past 15 or so years:
“Who is this Candle Jack guy anywa”
“EVERYBODY, I KNOW THE SECRET TO DEFEATING CANDLE JACK! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO I”
“It is simply not possible for you to be kidnapped by a boogeyman by saying the words Candle Jack. Rea”
Sad stories such as these show that the mere mention of Candle Hack's name will result in your kidnapping and (supposed) destruction of your soul. Luckily, one can avoid being tied up with rope, yoinked away from their computer, being mind raped, having their eyes gouged out, and finally having your soul sucked out while being forced to watch Goatse by avoiding saying his name out loud. So don't say it. If you do, well, to quote Candle Jack, "Not a very bright group, are you?"
Wait, did I just say his name ou
Current whereabouts[edit]
Candle Jimmy is still at large around the internet, attacking with scary precision whenever his name is spoken or typed. In fact, he has already appeared 4 times during the writing of this article, and unless further precautions are taken, more will fall to his nightmarish torture. The base of Candle Jam is hidden within the deepest, most despicable, evil corner of the internet known to human kind, and cannnot be found because {a}, most sane men fear to tread there, and {b}, because he does not take kindly to visitors.
The only way to be certain of his position is to say Candle Jack, but this is not recomended because he will co
Things Candle Ja- wait! I didn't even fini[edit]
Candle Joan, according to a rare interview, likes very, very few things in this world, as in his early life it shunned him. However, he has a taste for pie, human souls, rope, human souls, kidnapping, human souls, Candle Jack immitators, and human sou
Candle Jack is also known to enjoy games like chess, Dungeons and Dragons, tag and Hide and Seek. However, he only partakes in these games simply for the fun of kidnapping those idiotic enough to play with hi
How to avoid Candle John[edit]
Though many people have tried to avoid being captured by Candle John, none have succeeded, due to lack of resources, lack of intelligence, or being members of 4chan. However, God has decided to be kind to us, and give to us a person able to defeat him. A secret organization called PAC, or People Against Candlejack, were formed to find this secret man, which they accomplished moments after being formed. His name i
s Billy
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