Ghostbusters
“You can't bust what you can't see!”
“Don't cross the streams.”
The Ghostbusters are a government funded safety organisation which began operation around the 1980s. The Ghostbusters are well armed with automatic weapons, proton packs, and chemical nerve agents, and run their operation from a derelict fire station in the center of New York. SO WHO YOU GONNA CALL???????
History[edit]
The scheme known as "the GhostBusters" was started in New York City in 1984 by a homosexual shyster and convicted con artist named Bill Murray and his accomplices "Steely" Dan Aykroyd and failed stage magician "Old Weird" Harold Ramis after they, which is to say, Harold, accidentally discovered a means of projecting holographic images via laser refraction. The device was compact, programmable, and easily transportable. Murray suggested that it could be used to project "ghosts" which they could then remove, for a fee, of course. Aykroyd, the mechanic of the group, developed designs for "advanced equipment" that would allow them to "capture" and "contain" these ghosts. They then went into business (enlisting the aid of safe cracker and recent parolee Ernie Hudson, who became the 4th "Ghostbuster") and embarked on the greatest hoax ever perpetrated against the state of New York. Bill, Dan, Harold, and Ernie captured and "disposed of" over 57 "ghosts" and swindled an estimated $247K from various establishments and home-owners in a span of four weeks. This fraud went largely uncontested, until a well-meaning EPA agent unwittingly released vast concentrated doses of the hallucinogenic gas the "Ghostbusters" had been storing in their basement over a two hundred block radius, sending the city into a panic. Then, using a combination of the holograms, $3K worth of stage pyrotechnics, and fifty metric tons of melted marshmallow, the four miraculously escaped capture and hightailed it to international waters. By 1989 their finances had dried up. When a frustrated Murray, through former accomplice Ellen Ripley, arranged for a new evil entity known as Vigo the Carpathian (who was actually another accomplice, Dave Weismuller) to "escape from a painting" at a prominent museum, "The Ghostbusters" were, astonishingly enough, asked to reunite and defeat this evil menace, and so they did, making off with an estimated $20K in priceless antiquities and relics, leaving behind only a crude painting of themselves as their final insult to the NYPD. These men are still at large, and considered extremely dangerous. Since the War on Terror, they've been demoted from the FBI's top ten, but are deadly nonetheless. If you have any information regarding their whereabouts, contact the police immediately.
Rules for application[edit]
The FBI estimates that at any given moment, several or more people want to be Ghostbusters. Not only due to the rush of using lethal weapons that cause tons of collateral damage, or because they need jobs, but out of some twisted uncaring greed that drives them to exploit the dead and the grieving alike. Legislation restricts employers who opt to fake a haunting by requiring permits for any exorcism, whether real or staged. Participants must be 18 or older. Even if there aren't any child labor laws in your part of the country, "'busters" need to be able to lift heavy equipment, install and remove projectors, and drive a getaway car. Also, they are frequently exposed to various mind-altering agents. The only exception was Danny "Phantom" Fenton, who was only 14 years old when granted his first permit, due to family connections.
Applicants for a "busting" permit are also required to be a Catholic Priest, or to own a license in either Parapsychology or Nuclear Safety. Ghostbusters like Danny Fenton often choose to get the parapsychology degree through mail-order, while Old Man Carrithers used his previous job as a nuclear safety engineer to gain the permits to "remove" the ghost of a pirate who was guarding a chest of gold doubloons in the old creepy shipyards.
In the Movies[edit]
After the original Ghostbusters' triumphs against the police and FBI, 2 films based loosely around actual events entitled "Ghostbusters" and "Ghostbusters 2: The Reckoning" were made by director Don Coscarelli that both take the unique position that the ghosts were indeed real, and completely ignores the possibility of the Ghostbusters' complicity in their sudden appearance and subsequent "capture".
Fun Facts![edit]
For the Ghostbusters' documentary movies and other films, TV shows, etc., their names were changed. Harold Ramis's name was changed to "Egon Spengler", Bill Murray became "Peter Venkman", "Steely" Dan Aykroyd had his name changed to "Raymond "Sugar-Ray" Stantz", and Ernie Hudson's new name became "Light Blue Jumpsuit".
The "Ecto - 1", a modified ambulance, was found to have three holo-projectors, the Pope, twin police band monitors, two shotguns, an AK-47, pipe bombs, three ounces of marijuana, a contraband emergency frequency scanner, and five canisters of aerosolised neurotropic forms of mescaline and ketamine when it was finally scuttled by police. The investigating officer was quoted as saying "what we're looking at here is enough happy-gas to make half the city see Jesus."
"Slimer" was created and maintained through misdirection, the use of holograms, and judiciously placed dollops of "ectoplasm", which was actually a plastic polymer gel in a powdered form that, when added to water, creates a viscous, odorless "slime". The food that was "eaten" by Slimer was later used to bribe the homeless to run errands, activate devices at key times, dress up as monsters, etc.
If there's something strange in your neighborhood, it is probably a safer bet to call The Exorcist instead.
They've tried to contain Friedrich Nietzsche on numerous occasions, and have failed each time.
See Also[edit]
- GodBusters
- Bill Murray
- Goat Musters
- Ghosts never seem to play fair
- MythBusters
- Shadow
- Glob of Ectoplasm
- Ghostbusters III
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