American Idol

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January 18, 2007
An American Idol Audition line on a particularly quiet day.

Oh my god! I AM FINALLY HERE! You have NO idea how big a fan I am of this show. Like, no really, I am a big fan. I have seen every single season and absolutely LOVE the judges. They are so funny. Oh my god. Okay, so MY story is that, well, uhh, I'm auditioning for American Idol because I've been watching it on TV since I was, like, six. No, wait, since I was seventeen. Or was it sixteen... now I am twenty-two and I've rewatched every single episode (except the old ones. They're shit!) and I totally know the ins and outs of how to sing beautifully and how to impress the judges.

Like, oh my god, I have sung around my house since I can remember. Even when I was like five my mom said I was always singing. Even the first words I said when I was a baby I sang. I think. Technically I haven't really gotten "lessons" but my whole family knows I am really good... like, really, really good, so I should be fine. You know, I think I have a distinct sound that[[Judge the [|judges]] will really appreciate so if I took lessons some of the authenticity would be lost. Anyway. Today I'm going to sing that Britney Spears song. You know, that one, "Sell your soul to the gods rock 'n' roll, metal tenfold through the deadly black hole!" And I'm stopping there! What, bitch? Can't give you too much of a preview. You will have to wait for more until we are inside. OH MY GOD I can't wait! Look out L.A. here I come! lolz

Waiting to Enter[edit]

An unidentified rape victim of Simon Cowell's uncontrollable orgasm

I can't believe we are in the waiting room! Oh my god! I am so excited! Oh the judges are going to love me. I love the judges! We will get along just great for sure! Like Paula...oh my god she is so pretty. And she is funny and I love how funny it is when she starts dancing with her hands in the air when she likes a song. I bet she will do that for me because she will like my song. I think it is great that women can finally judge other people instead of being judged all the time. I love Paula.

And Randy the black guy! Oh he is so good. Blacks have always been my favorite color of people just because they made up rap and basketball and stuff and all that. He is so cool I love when he makes witty comments about how good people are. I wonder what funny thing he will say to me! Probably something really funny. And Simon is the funniest ever! I don't get why people all seem to hate him and say he is "too harsh". They only get mad because they suck and he has the balls enough to point it out! He is also very funny when he says how horrible they are. I love his accent too! Oh my god! I want to marry someone with that accent. The perfect person for me to marry would be black like Randy, have an accent like Simon, and have long hair like Paula. NO WAY! IT'S RYAN SEACREST!

He won and he has grey hair! I have brown hair! I am going to win for sure because my hair is waaaay better! And girls will vote for me though, especially Paual. I love her so much!

Ryan Seacrest: Hey you're about to go on you nervous at all?

Woman: OH MY GOD! I love you soooo much you have no idea! All my friends think you're really hot.

Seacrest: Oh thanks, but anyways are you nervous?

Woman: Do you really get up that early to do your radio show every morning! That must be so hard you're so dedicated!

Seacrest: Well thanks but are you nervous at all?

Woman: Do you have a pen? I want to get your autograph. Do you want mine too? I am about to become really famous.

Seacrest: Sure, here you go. Now, please answer, are you nervous?

Woman: Do you have a girlfriend, Ryan?

Seacrest: uhhh....

Woman: I'm going to kiss you!

Seacrest: Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Somebody HELP!!!! A FEMALE is trying to kiss me!!!!!!

Seacrest: I mean... it's not allowed. Not like I'm gay or something.

Seacrest: Yeah, anyway, back on topic. You nervous?

Woman: Oh not at all! I have been singing my WHOLE life! I love the judges and I know I am going to win! LOOK OUT L.A.! WOOOOO!

Seacrest: Alright well you're up! Good luck!

The Audition[edit]

The guy before me wasn't very good and he got accepted. I am way better than him. I am going to win for sure!

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god I am here. Come on girl lets show em what you got!

Simon: Now we have young Matty from downtown Los Angeles. Good afternoon Matty.

Matty: Hi Simon! Hi Paula! Hi Randy! I love you all soooo much!

Randy: What do you do in your free time?

Matty: Watch American Idol and sing.

Simon: Have you taken lessons before?

Matty: No but my unique style would be ruined if I did.

The judges make strange faces.

Paula: Alright let's see what you got!

Matty: I go. Oops...I did, it again...I played with your lar-- I mean heart, played with your it lost in a game oh baby baby oops I think I am in love. Got it something something something from abooooooooove I'm not that innocent. Oops I did-

Simon: Stop! Stop! Okay I think we had enough, Randy what do you think.

Randy: I am sorry hun, I just can't give it to you.

Matty: WAIT! WAIT THOUGH! I think I was just rushed. I think I should get another chance. Please can I have another chance I was just not focusing, please!

Simon: *sighs* Alright let's hear it.


Simon: Bloody hell cut it out! We are done! I am going first. Definitely not! Darling, I have heard dead pigeons who sound better than you! Your tone is weak your voice is too wavy. I just can't get into it! You can't even pull off something as simple as Britney Spears! This must be some kind of joke! Randy?

Randy: Babe sorry you just have no rythmn. I just can't say yes. You should definitely get some lessons. Your sound is just too weak. Paula?

Paula: Just no hun I am sorry.

Matty: Okay, I see how it is. Were you even goddamn listening to me! I mean Jesus Christ I am out hear melting my heart out for you guys you know!? Singing from the soul! I bet you guys can't do that! You think you're all cool Simon! You think you can do better than me? Get your ass up here! Come on!

Simon: I am not going up there...

Matty: Yes you are come on! And you guys all disgust me! Is it because I am a woman? Really? Slavery is over...and...and you let WAY worse people pass on and that is completely unfair! I am done! I am GLAD you didn't accept me. I don't want to lower myself by being on this pathetic excuse for a show!

WHAT THE HELL! (After the Audtition)[edit]


Oh my god they hated me! I can't believe it I thought I was going to do so well! I was so well! I did SOOO good! Oh my god! How could they reject me like that! I can't stop crying now! I am leaving! I am leaving this goddamn hellhole they call a show.

Ryan Seacrest: Hey! How did it--

Get the fuck away from me Seacrest! No one likes you! Who do those judges think they are! Do they even realized what they missed out on! Fucking Simon! All he does is sit around and bitch with his annoying ass accent. He can't sing half as good as I can! British people can't even sing! Why is he even judging the talent of everyone! There must be so many people almost as good as me that didn't make it! And Paula! What the hell! She didn't even stand by my side! We are girls we stick together! She is just a bitch! She didn't even dance! Not that I wanted her to that's just fuckin stupid. She is probably a whore or something. And Randy! Why are niggers allowed to judge me! They used to work for us and now they think they are better than me? Nu huh! No way! American Idol can go to hell!

One year later[edit]

OH MY GOSH! I AM FINALLY HERE! You have NO idea how big a fan I am of this gle season and absolutely LOVE the judges. Now since most of the asshole judges left from last year. Now there are Steven Tyler and Jlo. But that nigger Randy jackson is still there. Like, oh my god, I have sung around my house since I can remember. Even when I was like five my mom said I was always singing. Even the first words I said when I was a baby. People always like totally say I'm awesome at singing. I will sing baby by justin bieber. I can't wait for the audition

Waiting to Enter[edit]

I can't believe we are in the waiting room! Oh my god! I am so excited! Oh the judges are going to love me. I mean, I have practiced sooo much harder for this now! I mean, I take, like, regular vocal training and everything, and my voice is sooo much better than how it used to be. I really feel like I'm sort of evolving as a singer. Now even the judges' line-up has changed, except for Randy Jackson. I can't wait to show that nigger what a huge mistake he made last time! And look. Here's Ryan Seacrest.

Ryan Seacrest: Hey you're about to go on you nervous at all?

Me: Actually, no. I have full faith in my talent, and how I have grown as a singer since the last time I auditioned. I will blow the judges' minds.

Ryan Seacrest: Oh, that's right! You were here last time! (Momentarily makes a queasy face.) luck!

The Audition[edit]

Here I go. Today, the underdog rises from the ashes! Randy: Now we have young Matty from downtown Los Angeles. Boy, I hope she learned to actually sing right now. I mean- Good afternoon, Matty!

Matty: Hi, Randy Jackson. Hey Steven Tyler and JLo!

Randy: You were here last time, weren't you?

Matty: Why yes I was, Randy! Good to see you use your brain for a change!

(Judges make uneasy faces.)

JLo:, what are you going to sing for us.

Matty: Baby, by Justin Bieber. He was an underdog who was looked down upon by the "powers that be", just like I was.

Steven Tyler: Actually, I'm not sure if that's-

Matty: You know you love me, I know you care, you shout whenever-

Randy: Alright, alright. I think that's enough. I'm sorry, hon, but I don't think music's your thing, you know...

JLo: I am sorry Matty, I just can't give it to you.

Steven Tyler: I will admit to trolling on YouTube channels and saying Justin Bieber sucks. You, on the other hand, genuinely suck.

Matty: Oh my God, what is wrong with you people! You rejected me last year, and even after I have grown and evolved SO MUCH as an artist you REFUSE to let me in! I thought this new line-up would be an improvement over those pussys Simon and Paula! But you're all the same! ALL THE SAME!!!

Randy: You know what, Matty? Just get out of here! Security!

Matty: You think you can bring me down like this? You think you can crush my spirit! (Guards come and drag her away.) One day, I will rise! I'll be the greatest music star ever known and you will all quake in your boots when I come for you! (is dragged out.)

JLo: Not a good day of auditions.

Steven Tyler: Amen to that.

See Also[edit]