“That 'enlarge your penis' mail is freakin' hot!”
“Forward everything to everyone”
“STFU, I don't want to be consolidated!”
Hotmail (formerly known as Hot Male) is an e-mail service that appeared on the Internet almost immediately after it was all plugged in for the first time. It works by changing bytes of information from digital zeroes and ones into an analogue heat ray, which is then beamed millions of miles into space and bounced off the rings of Saturn, before being beamed back to secret satellite dishes in the Sahara.
Hotmail is the opposite of Coldmail, an emotionally detached mail service which treats human beings like dirt. Hotmail is also much better in bed and at cooking. Some argue, though that the Coldmail's taste in cocktail dresses is marginally better, though this is considered an extremist opinion.
How It Works
Scientists working on the principles of heat-transferral have hypothesized that heat travels far faster than light, sound or dog barking. It is well known that, upon picking up a cup of something hot (such as tea, coffee and sacrifical blood), the body takes some time to react to the extreme change in temperature. This is not because the heat is traveling slowly - it is because the central nervous system is incredibly slow, being as it is more concerned with sending messages to the feet (over 80% of messages sent over the central nervous system are related with dancing) and whatnot. If the nervous system was not so engrossed in the complexities of the Waltz and the Tango, the heat messages sent to the brain would be transmitted instantaneously.
The scientist that discovered this was so excited that he completely forgot that the cup he had been holding in his hand had just previously been inside a blast furnace, and was released from hospital two weeks (and one hand) later.
A key scientist, Liz, has found how to make the messaging faster by using more memory and has made it possible to transfer 1 gb of memory in an e-mail.
Hotmail was initially a free service, run by Al Gore and his unearthly minions. During the 1980s, only thirty people used Hotmail, and the system was strewn with errors. One student at Oxford University, in an attempt to download an image of a rare Ming Dynasty vase, found that he instead received several images of naked woman doing interesting things with cucumbers. The student's lecturer, who had walked into the computer lab at the precise moment that the images had been downloaded, sent an angrily-worded letter to the Al Gore Corporation, with an attached threat of legal action, but after having looked heavily into the pictures concerned, the lecturer dropped all charges.
Hotmail continued to get more and more popular, and by the late '80s, over a million people were using the service. This caused great consternation to the world's airlines, who were finding that their planes were getting their wings chopped off left, right and centre by invisible rays of superheated energy. This was eventually countered by covering every aeroplane in the world in Teflon, so that the "heat energy could not stick to the plane", in the words of one very drunk pilot.
In 1994, Hotmail was bought by Microsoft for two magic beans and a look at Bill Gates' secret stash of Playboys. Almost immediately, changes were made to the system. The capacity of inboxes was dramatically reduced from near-infinite storage to 5Kb. The inbox page, once mercifully free of advertisements, was replaced with a 50x50 pixel e-mail viewing window surrounded with adverts for Viagra and penis extensions. Most notably, the temperature of the Hotmail rays was reduced from ten million degrees Kelvin to just under three degrees Fahrenheit.
Diehard "hotheads", as fans of the original Hotmail service were once known, were extremely pleased by the changes made by Microsoft, as at last they had the tiny, clogged-up and slow service that they thought they had deserved all these years.
- Over twenty billion hotmail accounts have been started up. Only seven of them are in regular usage.
- Flame wars are a by-product of heated exchanges over Hotmail, which culminate in 1337 haXX0r5 varying the angles of their outgoing heat-rays so that instead of hitting the dishes in the Sahara, they hit their opponent's house instead. Over seventy "hotheads" have been killed by stray heat rays in the last year alone.
- Hotmail is used to heat up spam for use in spam fritters.
- Not many people know this but it has been doing the above mentioned spam thing for longer than its own existence
- No-one knows how the data that is sent to the dishes in the Sahara actually gets to its destination. Indeed, some people have hypothesized that it would be quicker to send their e-mails over the established cable-based Internet than via the Hotmail service. Of course, "hotheads" think that these people are really, really, really gay. Recent research shows some Sudan people in search for dishes to serve tea digged caves in the Sahara, and mules who cought a cold transfer the heat messages through the caves by means of converting the heat to smoke signals. However, nobody except Osama Bin Ladens grandmother believes this.
- Everybody knows that in order to secure an account with Hotmail, you must use the password of qweasd. Otherwise, you leave your account very insecure, and they will terminate it.
- Detect "non-genuine" products
- Gather user information and credit card numbers
- Cripple core system components
- Deploy legal team
- Launch civil litigation
Estimated time remaining:
Forever, or if you give me a cookie, I might shorten it to an hour.
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