Windows 9

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God is nowhere.

Windows 9 is an operating system that was supposed to follow Windows 8, however, it is currently abondoned. As of 2014, it was exclusively available to 8 people that are not Bill Gates around the world. After Bill Gates created the world's shittiest operating system, he decided to create an even worse operating system. It was, in fact, so shitty that nobody could run it unless they have obtained an Intel™ Core i9 9001, made specifically to run Windows 9 and only Windows 9.


In addition to improvements on the BSoD with an added 50 shades of blue, there are a number of other improvements in the Windows 9 improvements. Did I mention there were a lot of improvements in Windows 9 over Windows 8's improvements? I didn't? Oh, well there are lots of improvements that are in Windows 9. Lots of improvements.

“Every update to Windows brings Innovation and Improvements!”

~ Bill Gates on Improvements


...or is he somewhere?

These improvements include, but are not limited to;

  • New Redesigned Minesweeper game with only 9 squares
  • New BSoD Game engine. It now looks 90% more blue!
  • Ability to support 69-bit programs
  • Support for up to 9000 programs installed (If it's over 9000 the BSoD will appear),
  • I've used 9 instances of 9, not including the many 9s that are in this line. Yay me.
  • In order to install a new program, you must pay a fee of $0.90, but now Microsoft Office programs are only $0.90, so that's cool I guess?
  • Now it has gone up a version from Windows 8 to 9
  • It comes preinstalled with 9 viruses
  • Windows Defender still sucks, but now it sucks 9% more
  • It annihilates Linux LiveCDs when they are inserted (Windows 9 is obviously superior; why would you need that?)
  • Windows 9 also attempts to make iPods act like Zunes
  • I've used 9 in every bullet point. Hooray.


On October 17, 2013, Microsoft released the atrocity that was Windows 8.1. After that, they immediately abandoned it to work on the next version of Windows. 9's development codename was Oscar, after the development team's favorite person, (other than Bill Gates, of course) Oscar Wilde. Even after all these years, Windows 9 has not been released due to Intel discontinuing their i9 cores. As the development team worked on 9, they discovered a fundamental flaw in the OS. When using Windows Explorer (the file manager), the maximum amount of files allowed in a single folder was only 9.

See also[edit]

Logo and wordmark


  • Detect "non-genuine" products
  • Gather user information and credit card numbers
  • Cripple core system components
  • Deploy legal team
  • Launch civil litigation

Estimated time remaining:

Forever, or if you give me a cookie, I might shorten it to an hour.

Installing Windows has never been easiereasy

All you need to do is phone your local Microsoft Customer Representative, write down a very long set of numbers, type it all in, get an error message, phone our Customer Representative again, adjust a few things, get another very long set of numbers, type it all in again, install a few drivers, activate Windows again, lather, rinse and repeat.