Zune
“What the fuck is that???”
“A piece of crap, that's what!”
About the Zune[edit]
If you were to take the charisma of Tom Cruise and combine it with the current success of Tom Cruise, you would spontaneously spunk your very own Zune(they are also available from electronics outlets). This four hundred ton brick is capable of only playing techno music at 23% volume - a niche market - but one Microsoft thought might bring them success if they promoted it enough.
Design[edit]
In a dash of brilliance(and yes you are sitting in an armchair of sarcasm), Microsoft, a company with billions upon billions of dollars in the bank, spent more than you earn in a year on R&D and design to create the Zune, the ultimate iPod killer.
A highly-anticipated technological marvel, the Zune is an iPod without a scroll wheel. Zune manufacturers used tree bark and sewage to construct the Zune's outer-casing to lower production costs. The makers of the Zune considered their device better than any possible "apps" and thus made it incompatible with all iPod apps just to spite Apple Inc.
Reception[edit]
Microsoft is kool-aid via a supositary and thus sales of the Zune are similar in decor to a rich aristocrat's wine-rack.
The original Zune's capacity was 500ml and Brown was the most popular color. In fact so popular was this compressed-music-playing-fanny-magnet, Microsoft couldn't keep up with the demand. They thus started manufacturing the device from Lego, which allowed increased production due to the use of standardised plastic bricks.
Several more Zune models have been released, including (but not limited to) "Holy crap why does it look like a shuffle with a screen?" and "Holy crap I thought the other one looked like a brick!" Although analysts praised the use of these unconventional model names, these varients suffered from profoundly moving battery deaths.
It is predicted, that by 2012 there will be so many Zunes produced, they will capture our planet, overflow, and because of their collective mass collapse into a black hole and destroy the universe. Microsoft stock prices raised by 1.5% on receipt of this prediction.
Zune Software[edit]
The petulant Zune software will destroy your computer and delete all driver software, so in between 4 and 18 months, no Zune will be able to update through your computer unless you perform a full system recovery, deleting anything you may ever want to use on your computer. This is mentioned in manual.
Purchasing a Zune[edit]
You can only buy one at GameStop, which doesn't sell them anymore due to their low sales. You may find this information is in stark contrast to earlier elements of this article, but this is due to your disappointing personality.
Microsoft's response to these low sales? It drunk heavily and now lives in a shoe.
A GOOD Zune will cost you $250, months to years of frustration and anger, your family life, one destroyed Zune, and another $250 to buy your iPod.
Zune HD[edit]
Another totally innovative and brilliant Microsoft product (if you are tiring of this sarcasm it is because of your lack of cardio-vascular fitness you fat-fuck) is that it's available in High-Definition and is powered directly by the tears and unhappiness of those stupid enough to buy it. The device has so far proved unpopular to those with out an extinct one-horned creature to farm the necessary 'cry' from.
Jizz[edit]
Over 9000 Microsofties jizzed their pants in excitement over the new divine piece of Zune, it is said it will integrate into the X360's RRoD technology and provide ubquitious BSoD experience everywhere. This will most likely impress girls.
Jew Pad[edit]
There have been recent sighting of a mysterious tablet floating about in space, perhaps the Jews did this!?