Windows 8

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Windows8.png
(Part of the Microsoft Windows family)
Windows 8
8start.png A screenshot of Windows 8's new "Start Screen", showing off Microsoft's newfound originality.
Developer
Microsoft
Windows 8 Website
Release information
Release date: October 26, 2012
Source model: Ketchup
Kernel: Sanders
Support status
You know you really want the latest product instead...

Windows 8 is a computer virus that bears an uncanny resemblance to an operating system. It was released in October 2012, took 24 years to develop, and lost Microsoft $90,000,000. Customer reaction was overwhelming, unanimous, and obscene. Microsoft took little heed of reviews in the technical press, mistaking them for satire. However, when the handwriting was on the wall, Microsoft scrapped the Windows 9 project entirely and moved straight to Windows 10, hoping the world would forget.

History[edit]

In 1985, two operating systems were being planned out by the Blinky Smoked Meats and Fishes company, which would later become Microsoft. One was a primitive DOS-based 8-bit system codenamed "Lansing", and an NT-based 128-bit OS codenamed "Whore". In alpha tests, Whore would freeze and crash because its graphics system was incompatible with the primitive computers of yesteryear, so they ditched Whore, and continued on with Lansing, which would be released as "Windows 1.01".

22 years later, when new, more graphically enhanced technology was being developed, they started working on Whore again. Unfortunately, it couldn't be completed by the deadline, so Microsoft was forced to merge Windows 7 and the iPhone's codes and repackage it as Windows 8.

Bouncywikilogo.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Windows 8.

Improvements over Windows 7[edit]

Microsoft packed many new features into Windows 8, none of which are any good. Windows 8 causes heart attacks and certain death for 60% of its users. The World Health Organisation calls Windows 8 the source of all cancer because it tends to make the host computer emit deadly radiation. Windows 8 is also capable of launching missiles it has access to. Windows 8 caused a second Wall Street crash.

Microsoft showcased its highly anticipated "crash.exe", which crashes Windows 8. Why this was highly anticipated is a mystery.

Easter eggs[edit]

Controversy[edit]

Windows 8 has caused problems worldwide. Not long after Wall Street upgraded to it, the stock market crashed. In North Korea, after Windows 8 was uploaded onto government servers, it accidentally launched a missile that destroyed 50% of the United States. After this, North Korea went back to using Windows BC. An article in a Microsoft tech journal documented how to get rid of Windows 8 permanently by simply typing "Delete System32".

Legacy[edit]

To salvage the failure that is Windows 8, Microsoft hastily released Windows 8.1. Tech geeks worldwide jumped with joy at the return of the classic Start Menu, but the joy was short-lived, as the new Start Button merely dumped the user back into Metro UI. Microsoft received backlash at this deception, Apple CEO Tim Cooke stating, "Microsoft has really failed this time. Their company shares are in ruins."

As Apple surpassed Microsoft in market value, Microsoft founder Bill Gates was called out of retirement to lead work on Windows 9. However, he insisted on a clean slate and going all the way to Windows 10. He explained, "It's a nice round number."


Logo and wordmark

Abort, Retry, Fail?


  • Detect "non-genuine" products
  • Gather user information and credit card numbers
  • Cripple core system components
  • Deploy legal team
  • Launch civil litigation


Estimated time remaining:

Forever, or if you give me a cookie, I might shorten it to an hour.



Installing Windows has never been easiereasy


All you need to do is phone your local Microsoft Customer Representative, write down a very long set of numbers, type it all in, get an error message, phone our Customer Representative again, adjust a few things, get another very long set of numbers, type it all in again, install a few drivers, activate Windows again, lather, rinse and repeat.




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