Windows 8

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(Part of the Microsoft Windows family)
Microsoft Windows 8
8start.png A screenshot of Windows 8's new "Start Screen", showing off Microsoft's newfound originality.
Windows 8 Website
Release information
Release date: October 26, 2012
Source model: Ketchup
Kernel type: Sanders
Support status
Available from all good retailers at affordable prices *cough* *cough*

Windows 8 is Microsoft's latest computer virus that installs on your hard drive just like an operating system. It was released on
26th October 2012 and took 24 years to develop, and so far has lost Microsoft $90,000,000. We don't even need to joke about Windows 8, Microsoft made it naturally shit.


In 1985, two operating systems were being planned out by the Blinky Smoked Meats and Fishes company, which would later become Microsoft. One was a primitive DOS-based 8-bit system codenamed "Lansing", and an NT-based 128-bit OS codenamed "Whore". In alpha tests, Whore would freeze and crash because its graphics system was incompatible with the primitive computers of yesteryear, so they ditched Whore, and continued on with Lansing, which would be released as "Windows 1.01".

22 years later, when new, more graphically enhanced technology was being developed, they started working on Whore again. Unfortunately, it couldn't be completed by the deadline, so Microsoft was forced to merge Windows 7 and the iPhone's codes and repackage it as Windows 8.

Improvements from Windows 7[edit]

Microsoft have packed in a load of new features for Windows 8, none of which are actually any good. Windows 8 is known to cause heart attacks and certain death for about 60% of its users. It has also been proven by the World Health Organisation that Windows 8 is the source of all Cancer due to its tendency to make computers using the operating system emit deadly radiation. It has also been reported that Windows 8 is capable of launching missiles it has access to. Among the horror, Windows 8 caused a second Wall Street crash.

Microsoft has also been able to showcase its highly anticipated "Crash.exe" which crashes Windows 8. Why this was highly anticipated is a mystery.

Easter eggs[edit]

  • Typing "Should've got a Mac" on any part of Windows 8 will cause a grue to pop out of your monitor and eat you.
  • Typing "Fry up my computer" and pressing Enter will cause Windows 8 to eat 9GB of RAM and your computer will catch fire.
  • If you log into Windows 8, you will likely die of a heart attack.


Windows 8 has caused worldwide problems. Not long after it's release, Wall Street crashed again after Windows 8 was uploaded onto their servers. In North Korea, after Windows 8 was uploaded onto their government servers, a missile was launched accidentally by Windows 8 and destroyed 50% of the United States. After this, North Korea went back to using Windows BC. A technology article released by Microsoft documented how to get rid of Windows 8 permanently 'Delete System 32' (That isn't even a joke).

Windows 8.1[edit]

In an attempt to salvage the failure that is, Windows 8, Microsoft turned a new leaf and released Windows 8.1. Tech geeks worldwide jumped up and down with joy at the fact the classic Start Menu had returned. However, the joy was short lived as the new Start Menu button merely led into the Metro UI. Microsoft received a large backlash due to their attempt to deceive the world, with Apple CEO Tim Cooke stating 'Microsoft has really failed this time. Their attempt at deceiving the world has failed and their company shares are in ruins'

After this, Apple shares boosted and their company became richer than Microsoft. Bill Gates returned to Microsoft and they began work on Windows 9 (10). The release so far is Windows 10 Technical Preview.

Logo and wordmark


  • Detect "non-genuine" products
  • Gather user information and credit card numbers
  • Cripple core system components
  • Deploy legal team
  • Launch civil litigation

Estimated time remaining:

Forever, or if you give me a cookie, I might shorten it to an hour.

Installing Windows has never been easiereasy

All you need to do is phone your local Microsoft Customer Representative, write down a very long set of numbers, type it all in, get an error message, phone our Customer Representative again, adjust a few things, get another very long set of numbers, type it all in again, install a few drivers, activate Windows again, lather, rinse and repeat.