Windows for Politicians
“I love this! I use it to clean my ears!”
“Screw Windows. We need more Bombdoors!”
“Windows is evil, so are politicians. Why do they not like it?”
Windows for Politicians was developed after the Great Chicken Famine of 8751. Bill Gates, who miraculously survived the Gates Massacre, had decided to create another mind-control device that would allow him to control the politicians of the world. Unfortunately, his plans failed. All he controls are the homeless people who buy computers instead of houses.
What's New in Windows for Politicians
Windows for Politicians is similar to existing version of Windows, however some special features are included:
General stupid "new" features
- The hard disk part of setup can automatically gerrymander your partition table to provide the greatest advantage to your incumbent data, however this is most effective when there are more than 4 partitions to have their boundaries drawn. Fewer then 5 partitions run the risk of competitive installations and potential upsets. Depending on the marginality of your hard disk, Windows for Politicians' setup may refuse to install on a hard disk with only one partition.
- An "advanced" disk cleanup that scans for data that hasn't been accessed in a while and disenphranchises it by deleting it from the file system's registration rolls. If upgrading, it is recommended you run this before the disk gerrymanderer (described above).
- A service-hider service (Name is randomly generated, but sounds plausible and important) , similar to the notorious Sony BMG rootkit, that automatically sneaks itself into the startup list for the system far enough before any election or key vote to fade into the background. The open API provided by the service allows it to be utilized by any one of the major electoral fraudulating softwares out there, such as the Diemeek FrauduVote-FKs. The service can be configured to activate at a particular date, a particular span of time before or after an event, on a certain event occurring, when its detection algoreithms detect something of importance (The threshold is adjustable from "pointless resolution" to "execution warrant sworn out against you"), or when instructed to either by being told to, or by a "secret handshake" like showing up dressed as a chicken (Example: www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20061027/LOCAL/610270526)
- Spying Service (spyssvc) - Spys other Windows computers installing viruses, so most infected computers are victims of George W. Bush.
- Illusitory Service (illussvc) — Opens a bunch of unsecured, friendly ports that news and constituents look for when portscanning you. They all give promising responses, but are safely insulated dead ends. Just the same, all communication is logged and summarized so it's not obvious if anyone asks that the connections are faked. Also includes an option to randomly connect a question direct to you for you to answer, and remember your response and shape future faked responses in a more realistic manner.
The "Bill Gates I'll rule the world" Plan
This features help in the new Bill Gates's plan to rule the world.
- Slowdown Service (slowssvc) - Doesn't let other processes respond, so all ran programs will stop responding. That's part of a Bill Gates plan to control all the Politicians in the World making them look stupid because(Microsoft)Powerpoint didn't respond and they can't write that very important presentation.
- Remote Bill Gates Control (rembgcon)- Lets Bill Gates change what politicians write using Internet so when they write " I should rule the world because... " it changes to " Bill Gates should rule the world because..."
- Automatic "Bill Gates I'll Rule the World" Service (autobgillruleworld) - Automatic system that trys to modify what you write when Bill Gates is not present or the computer is offline.
- Service disabling prevention (svcdisprev)- Prevents the malicious services that make part of the Bill Gates plan to rule the world from disabling.
- Windows Genuine Service (wingensvc)- Certifies that isn't a modified version of Windows, making all Windows apps depend of this application, and making possible Bill Gates rule the world.
- Remove Linux Service (securitysvc)- A service introduced by patch KB34675432454632454455643245643234564356789767897654321, where it explains that "(Line 1)For your security, this patch corrects a problem in most systems (blah blah blah) ... (Line 532) Applying this patch will remove all Linux systems and derivatives". In fact, it just a way to make sure that you can't boot into Linux if you're in trouble in Windows and to make sure you can't save your important data in an OS that Bill Gates isn't able to access.
- Telephony Service (telsvc)- Tries to reach any device connect to the computer that is connected to a phone service. It connects to both wired and wireless devices (routers, mobiles, modems, etc.) . Then it tries to spy every call and sms sent. All the information is sent to Bill Gates's office.
The Features That Didn't Make It
Some features were planned, but left out, or removed:
- The baby_kiss - Component of the Campaign Manager Service (cmpnmgr) was removed from all future versions until further notice when it was reported that a obscure user had discovered the not normally used and undocumented MaxAgeKissed Registry key and raised it to allow his to have his way with some subordinate processes under his control. During intense public coverage, Microsoft released a patch to totally remove the component from the system and prevent future re-installation of a similar one. In the process, the WfP Update, Support and Community sites was modified to require the installation of the update. Unpatched users are presented with a full page splash screen informing them of the update and its mandatoryness, with an option to install the update. The update is known to change the Product ID reported to Microsoft to ensure it is not spoofed.
- WMD.exe - 4000 codes were written for this application, which could be used to locate WMDs. Unfortunately, while the program opened normally, every time a WMD search was performed it would come out with an error reading 'WMDs not found'. After scouring the source for bugs the technicians realised that the program was simply dumb and gave up.
- E-focus - For presidential systems (E for executive)
- L-focus - For parliamentary systems (L for legislative)
- E-focus Basic edition;
- E-focus Medium edition;
- E-focus Premium edition;
- E-focus Ultimate Rule the World edition;
- L-focus Basic edition;
- L-focus Medium edition;
- L-focus Premium edition;
- L-focus Ultimate Rule the World edition;
- Detect "non-genuine" products
- Gather user information and credit card numbers
- Cripple core system components
- Deploy legal team
- Launch civil litigation
Estimated time remaining:
Forever, or if you give me a cookie, I might shorten it to an hour.
Installing Windows has never been easiereasy
All you need to do is phone your local Microsoft Customer Representative, write down a very long set of numbers, type it all in, get an error message, phone our Customer Representative again, adjust a few things, get another very long set of numbers, type it all in again, install a few drivers, activate Windows again, lather, rinse and repeat.
- Blue Screen of Death
- Internet Explorer
- UnNews: Microsoft unveils Internet Genuine Advantage
- Microsoft Products Online Technical Support
- Microsoft Access
- Microsoft Keyboard
- Microsoft Office
- Microsoft Outlook
- Microsoft Surface
- MS Paint
- MS Word
- Microsoft Word Paperclip
- Registry Editor
- Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006
- Microsoft Immortal Life Support System
- Task Manager
- Windows X-Console
Windows Product line: