Windows Server 2003

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The Windows Server System is a revolutionary new way of managing Servers in a restaurant, and to train them to be more functional, thus giving way to the catchphrase "Do more, with less".

Unfortunately, this new way of waitering has not yet been taken up, blamed on what some refer to as a "superior" method known as Linux; coined due to the rather un-orthodox concept of replacing the traditional servers with U and/or X shaped arrangements of vending machines (on-demand server) with the added benefit that the precise standard for this particular method has been extremely well documented, and may be independently deployed for free, although there are in fact a variety of sub-system arrangements for the setup (cluster) whereas with the Windows Server System, this is counter-intuitively not so, since the method itself can only be installed in the establishment by the company who produced this particular system (i.e. Microserve) and also implements a licensing fee on either a per-client basis or a maximum simultaneous clients limit. Did I mention that it looks EXACTLY like Windows 95?

Windows Server 2003[edit]

Building on the previous versions of the system, and also fixing quite a large vulnerability in the client authentication system (a privilege escalation which can lead to bill swapping) this new version boasts a far greater scalability as well as fixing an issue where servers used to have a tendency to shit themselves when there was a large influx of clients arriving simultaneously.

As a result, there has been a lot of skepticism over this particular technology and the company has resultantly started an advertising campaign that compares the key performance of the system, as well as seamless integration with additional services (such as a dessert cart).

The main reason for popularity of the Windows Server System, is the ease-of-use or, the industry term; retard-friendly - the Windows Serfver system is comprised of extremely imple operations and controls, although more advanced restaurant managers find this to be a downside, preferring the somewhat more labour intensive Line-UX style service to be superior despite being very DRM (Dessert Rights Management) unfriendly, requiring an implementation of Windows emulation (usually a server within a server) and the required cart license. A form of emulation that is currently highly inefficient due to the need to lock-in a server inside the actual Line-UX vending system, something many Windows based servers do not cope well with.

A major feature has been the abandonment of DOS emulation as part of their new Long Time Ago Compatibility Policy, the replacement being introduction of CP/M and Spectrum BASIC emulation - you might not be able to run SuperCalc 5 but you'll have no problem with Horace Goes Skiing or Amstrad Chess. An unfortunate flaw of this Operating System was the reliace on the chronically unreliable Short term RAM (ST-RAM) which would forget vital running processes and would cause all types of errors.


Remote Desktop Services (Rcs.exe) - Allows Bill Gates to control your clients and servers within your network. The standard version of windows server 2003 is automatically licensed for 1 connection. If you wish to have more connections you must buy a COW (Control over windows) license which costs $2000 per Connection.

Windows Crashing Service (wcs.exe) - Windows sever 2003 has improved instability, making it easier for windows to crash if you haven't logged into the server for 2 days. Microsoft has decided to Include this service to improve the usage of their product.

Web Platform Destroyer (Webplatty.exe) - Microsoft has included this feature in windows server 2003 to simplify your deployment within your company. The Microsoft Web Platform Destroyer can destroy other content of local web servers and format Computers connected to your domain.

Active Re-directory Services (acivedirect.exe) - The new Active Re-directory services reduces the amount of management needed to manage computers on your network. By allowing a Certified Black Hat Haxor to steal your company's invaluable information. This also integrates with HDCP (Heavy Directory Control Protocol which allows Bill Gates and LolSec to manage your server.

Windows Terminate Services (Terminate.exe) - Microsoft has improved the deployment of Microware by using the HIT (Hardware Instability Technology) Technology which overclocks your servers CPU forcing the fan speeds to increase. The licenced version allows you to terminate this service, the licenses are priced at $.0000000000000000000000000023678 per server.

System Requirements[edit]

  • 1 or 2 Gigabytes of ST-RAM
  • A hexadeca-core Processor
  • A Motherboard Supporting electrics
  • A floppy disk drive
  • A 10 kilabot line (for the internet)
  • A Hard drive consisting of 15 gigaeramabytes
  • A mousey mouse (sold separately for $1 000 000)

Logo and wordmark

Because we're worth it.

  • Detect "non-genuine" products
  • Gather user information and credit card numbers
  • Cripple core system components
  • Deploy legal team
  • Launch civil litigation

Estimated time remaining:

Forever, or if you give me a cookie, I might shorten it to an hour.

Installing Windows has never been easiereasy

All you need to do is phone your local Microsoft Customer Representative, write down a very long set of numbers, type it all in, get an error message, phone our Customer Representative again, adjust a few things, get another very long set of numbers, type it all in again, install a few drivers, activate Windows again, lather, rinse and repeat.