“Those birds are angry.”
“Bird is the word!”
Angry Birds is an insanely obscure video game series created by Finnish app designers and marketed by Google Applications, a subsidiary of Google Ltd. which is a company in the Google family. Since its "Finishing", the Angry Birds have migrated south to America, giving up pig genocide to invest heavily in blue chip trading. The game is currently available on iPhone, iTunes, and Atari cartridges for poor people less fortunate than us.
The Angry Birds series takes place in an island that has water surrounding it. The place is inhabited by green pigs who are faited to be pigs but chose to be green on purpose. The colour green is essentially important as green is the colour of genocide. It is also inhabited by a population of birds, all having a case of extreme schizophrenia and a total inability to share living space.
The game begins with birds ignoring their unhatched eggs while day dreaming about giant slingshots and mass murder. Without realising, the eggs get stolen by the green pigs in hopes of eliminating a new generation of genocidal maniacs. The pigs hope to deliver said eggs to their famine-ridden villages to feed the hungry, thus killing one bird with two goods. The birds, who care nothing about their unhatched children, use the theft as an excuse to wage a holy Jihad against pigs, especially green pigs. Their oil black rage manifests itself into murderous super powers converting the birds into kamikaze flying ninjas of various colours and specialized abilities.
The objective of the game is to help focus the direction of the birds' suicide mission in the attempt to get to their eggs by flying through fragile glass and thick wooden beams. Angry birds don't use their wings but instead have human beings launch them in hopes of inflicting severe damage to the porcine species. The player must shoot the birds from gigantic catapults so that they blow things up effectively turning them into exploding cannon balls with feathers. The structures are known to topple and crush the pig into pork platter. Some pigs are known to survive for hours after the carnage, suffering from crushed ribs and singed eyelashes. The birds celebrate their victory by eating their own eggs with a side dish of raw bacon. Green bacon. Like green ham and eggs, which is not shown in the actual game.
Types of Birds
Throughout the many levels of Angry Birds, different bird species of varying shapes and sizes will show up, all with their own unique abilities, but sharing the same anger problems.
- Red: The first and most common type of bird in the game. His sole purpose is to kill pigs or make it easier for the following birds to cause mayhem. He is also arguably the most useless bird in the game because all he does is bounce off objects with a dull 'thud'.
- Chuck: A bird whose body comes in a bizarre triangular shape. When touched, he takes a lethal amount of cocaine/speed which accelerates its speed hitting structures and pigs with a propellant force.
- The Blues: When touched, this bird can multiply in the air without the need of sex. He's either asexual or a self cloning machine. When green pigs see blue birds flying they tend to lose all hope.
- Bomb: A fat black bird who is practically the suicide bomber of the group. Touching this bird will cause him to explode, killing itself and the pigs nearby. Black Birds often record videos for their families to see after they are dead. The videos request that the family respect their remains and not allow female birds to attend their funerals if they are menstruating or with child.
- Matilda: This bird will drop an egg which explodes upon landing. Guess that's why the birds won't eat those eggs. If that's not enough, imagine what happens when she takes a shit.
- Hal: A deformed bird whose beak is bigger than his body. He works like a boomerang when thrown, except he doesn't come back. He dies like the other birds that get thrown off a slingshot.
- Bubbles: This bird expands its size and kills pigs sumo-style.
- Stella: One of the few girl birds in the game. Despite her looks, she's a dangerous serial killer and pedo, stuffing any bird's ass with dish detergent, causing said bird to turn into a clone of Stella herself. Gets even worse in Angry Birds Zombies, which has her taking over Piggy Island, causing the Pigs and Birds to set aside their differences to wage a holy war against her, which never succeeded, so now she's a dictator holding a shoot-on-sight policy against everyone, ever since post-2016.
- Terence: A bigger, fatter red bird that does more damage. McDonald's most profitable customer.
- Mighty Eagle: The most powerful bird in the game. With the use of canned fish, it can be summoned to destroy all pigs in its path. However he's a fat greedy fuck, so the player must pay for him.
- Silver: A carnivorous grey bird that always forgets to activate her parachute when attacking the pigs, resulting in a nosedive and crashing through the ceiling.
- Melody: A plump brown bird that eats everything in her path, including your iPhone 20 pro and Google Pixel pie.
- Big Bird: An early concept for the game until they found out Sesame Street already had one.
- Gun Bird: Rejected for being too violent.
- Dodo Bird: Rejected because they're extinct.
- Rape Bird: Rejected for raping pigs.
- Mallard The Mallard was the first bird to have a story, but as soon as mallard started demanding raises, a more in depth script, etcetera etcetera, Rovio rejected the bird. Mallard was never heard from again and reported missing on June 30, 2012.
Since the game was first released in December 2009, it became inexplicably popular around the world. Thus began the creation of many sequels, including Angry Birds Stella, Angry Birds Space, Angry Birds Rio, Angry Birds Iraq, Angry Birds Hell and so much more. The rising popularity of Angry Birds eventually forced T-Shirts, toys, drugs, and many other things in life to be given an Angry Birds theme.
There have been talks in the Amusement Park Company to build an Angry Birds ride, where people would fly off slingshots and hit structures. This idea was scrapped because they wouldn't be able to pay for all those hospital bills and because they couldn't find any green pigs.
The fame of Angry Birds has given the pork industry, farmers, and some fast food joints a new way to do their jobs. Simply by shooting chickens at pigs they will be able to sell not one, but two meats at the same time. McDonald's calls it the Chicken-Pork McAngrybird Bite.
Criticism and Controversy
Like many extremely popular things, Angry Birds has received quite a little bit of controversy from certain people. Parents argue that the games teach children about anger and pig abuse. Some also believe the game series is saying that violence solves your problems. But the most controversial thing about Angry Birds come from reports of die-hard fans committing suicide by shooting themselves from giant slingshots and into buildings.
Despite these, Angry Birds remains popular to this very day and does not plan to end anytime soon.
As of February 2012 at 3:00 pm, Warner Brothers has announced the making of an Angry Birds-inspired film. The film is said to involve a man trying to solve the problem of wild pigs eating everyone in town. He gets involved with a Government-based plan of making genetically-engineered birds which will be thrown at the pigs to end the problem once and for all. This would follow confrontation by PETA and KFC for foolishly treating the birds as weapons rather than animals or food.
The movie is slated to be released sometime in mid 2019. It will guest star Jack Black, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Big bird, and a host of others. A trailer for the movie has already been released, but spoilers may be included and it may be fake.
Possible TV Spin-Offs
Angry Birds may soon get a TV Series, according to a few rumors by fans. A television series of Angry Birds, entitled Anger Management Birds, is rumored to air on Cartoon Network. The series will involve the birds attending anger management classes to combat their hatred of pigs. Another possibility is an untitled rumored series, where the birds and pigs settle their war in Afghanistan, which is said to be darker than the games.
Considering these bullshit ideas, it seems rather unlikely a TV series of Angry Birds will EVER come into fruition. You're probably better off playing Angry Birds on computer or iPhone.