Dafydd Bond Films

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“The name's Bond, Dafydd Bond cracks me up all the time!”

~ Oscar Wilde on The Dafydd Bond Films

“Dafydd Bond here to save Wales”

~ Dafydd Bond
Dafydd Bond Films
Directed by Roy Chubby Brown
Produced by Jesus Christ
Written by Mr. Bean
Starring *Huw Ceredig - Dafydd Bond
Distributed by * (Goldenpussy & Moonraper) Shite Productions
  • (Dr. No Don't Touch Me There & License to Say Never) Tits And Ass Productions
Release date(s) *Goldenpussy - 1975
  • Moonraper - 1995
  • Dr No. Don't Touch Me There - 2008
  • Licence to Say Never
Running time 180 Minutes (3 films)
Language English, Welsh

The Dafydd Bond films are a very successful series of films based on a Welsh Spy (no imitations whatsoever) and include the characters of Mmmmmm...., Miss Moneyfanny and Snooker Q.

Cast member listing[edit]

Primary Cast & Box Office Receipts[edit]

The cast for License was revealed on the 6th January 2009.

Golden Moonraper Dr. No Licence
Huw Ceredig as Dafydd Bond Yes Yes Yes Yes
Judi Dench as Mmmmmm.... Yes Yes Yes Yes
Billie Piper as Miss Moneyfanny Yes Yes Yes Yes
Robert De Niro as Snooker Q Yes Yes Yes Yes
Alan Carr as Mr. Jones (The Evil Man) Yes No No No
Graham Norton as Mr. Llewelyn (The Moonraper) No Yes No No
Kenneth Williams as Dr. No (The gay evil one) No No Yes No
Tom Cruise as Dr. No Jr. (The gay evil son) No No No Yes
Ruth Madoc as Dafydd Bond's Wife Yes Yes No No
Pamela Anderson No No Yes No
Heather Mills McCuntney No No No Yes
Budget £26,000 £16,000 £6,000 £600
Welsh Box office £200,000 £220,000 £1,604,947 £4,647,321
UK Box office £175,000 £200,000 £1,580,999 £2,649,358
American Box office £299.99 £An Insult £684,586 £287.34

Secondary Cast[edit]

Leaked image showing Mrs Moneyfanny teasing Bond about his penis amputation

Goldenpussy[edit]

Moonraper[edit]

Dr. No Don't Touch Me There[edit]

Licence to Say Never[edit]

The cast for this film was revealed on the 6th January 2009:

Critical Reception[edit]

As you can see Bond hasn't aged that much since since the 20 year pause between Goldenpussy and Moonraper

These are the accolades received for each film:

Goldenpussy[edit]

  • “What a pile of steaming horse shit. I've seen better f*cking acting from a retarded Tom Cruise!”

    ~ Roger Ebert on Goldenpussy
  • “Not enough sex scenes for my liking!”

    ~ Mary Whitehouse on Goldenpussy

Moonraper[edit]

  • “What the f*ck!! a sequel!”

    ~ Roger Ebert on Moonraper
  • “I got a bit aroused but I'm still not satisfied, the rape scenes were brilliant!”

    ~ Mary Whitehouse on Moonraper

Dr. No Don't Touch Me There[edit]

Dr. No as he cuts off Dafydd's penis
  • “*NO ACTIONS* Roger has a Heart Attack”

    ~ Roger Ebert on Dr No. Don't Touch Me There
  • “Very sexy film Huw Ceredig's Welsh accent just gives me the horn every time I watch it!”

    ~ Mary Whitehouse on Dr No. Don't Touch Me There

Licence to Say Never[edit]

  • “*NO VOICES* Shhh can you hear the wood on his coffin being shook”

    ~ Roger Ebert on Hearing License To Say Never Was Going To Be Made
  • “I'm in it YES! now I've got something to watch with my pussy we'll enjoy it!”

    ~ Mary Whitehouse on Hearing License To Say Never Was Going To Be Made
  • “I think it will be a vewy good movie I weckon that the casting of Mawy Whitehouse was a weally good choice”

    ~ Jonathan Woss on Hearing License To Say Never Was Going To Be Made

Table[edit]

Film Title Year of Release Budget Box Office Profit Short Summary
Dr. No Don't Touch Me There 1962 £1.50 Millions Bond is captured by Dr. No, who wants to rape Bond, but when he finds out Bond has no balls (literally) he lets him go, but he doesn't get away scot-free: he has his penis chopped off by the doctor.
She Thrush with Love 1963 £2.00 £18,000,000 Unknown.
Coldfinger 1964 £10.98 £125,000,000 Unknown.
Swollen Balls 1965 £126 £198,000,000 Dafydd is kicked in the balls while the villain tries to make his escape.
You Only Get Laid Twice 1967 £1300 £20,000,000 Unknown.
On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix 1969 £4000 £61,000,000 MI6 discover that there is a plot to kidnap the queen so Dafydd is spent to protect her, only to discover he may have met his true love...
Dafydd in the Heather 1971 £18,000 £16,000,000 Dafydd makes out with a woman named Heather, which gives his arch enemy free rein to take over Las Vegas and launch a diamond-encrusted satellite.
Lick and Let Her Cry 1973 £25,000 £125,000,000 Unknown.
The Man with the Golden Thunderballs 1974 £126,000 £15,000,000 A secret organisation steals a suicide bombers rucksack which they will detonate in a major city across the world unless the wealthiest man in the world hands over his golden balls...Dafydd is assigned to the case!
The Spy Who Got Anally Raped by Ernest Jawdick Blowjob 1977 £150,000 £126,000,000 All that is known of this movie is that Ernest Jawdick Blowjob will appear and that Dafydd will end up losing his nose, rectum, and face.
Moonraper 1979 £226,000 £19,000,001 Bond has to stop another evil man from trying to fulfil his lifelong dream of raping the Moon while trying to pay off his student loan he succeeds in stopping him but because of a knife blow to the genitalia he has to have his second bollock removed.
For Your Thighs Only 1981 £145,000 £129,000,000 Dafydd has to protect a woman's legs from an international criminal organisation.
Hairypussy 1983 £130,000 £145,000,000 Dafydd gets more than he bargained for when he goes undercover to protect a woman from a smuggling racket.
A Few on the Pill 1985 £1,000,000 £130,000,000 Dafydd discovers plans to detonate a bomb in vicinity of a contraception-making factory which will leave all his lovers with no contraceptive pills. Can Dafydd save the day?
The Live Rapelights 1987 £26,000 £34,000,000 Unknown.
Licence to Say Never 1989 £88,000 £165,000,000 Bond is about to get promoted to getting a licence to say never to Mmmmm..... whenever he wants but is called on an emergency mission to stop an evil man trying to infiltrate MI-20 headquarters, he succeeds but has a bazooka bomb fired at his left arse cheek by one of his henchmen and his arse cheek has to be removed.
Goldenpussy 1995 £126,000 £15,000,000 Bond must stop an evil man who is trying to take over the world. The man has a goldenpussy which he likes to stroke quite often. Bond succeeds but has to have a bollock removed because of a dodgy laser experiment.
Tracy Never Cries 1997 £500,000 £786,000,000 Unknown.
The Womb Is Not Enough 1999 £226,000 £19,000,001 Unknown.
Die Another Gay 2002 £999,000,000 £10.95 Bond travels to the 60s where Winston Church-Hitler (The spawn of Winston and Adolf) makes all the women have moustaches and grow armpit hair!, So that, in his words, the world would have a better future.
Cassie's Boil 2006 123,000,000 £180,000,000 While working undercover at a Las Vegas casino in order to stop terrorists using their winnings to bankroll attacks, Dafydd gets laid with a waitress who, it turns out, is suffering from Genital Boils.
Quantum of Orifice 2008 £36,000,000 £98.50 Dafydd spends the entire film trying to track down the mysterious organisation Quantum, who raped and murdered his wife and violated one of his personal orifices.