Dafydd Bond Films
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This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this. |
“The name's Bond, Dafydd Bond cracks me up all the time!”
“Dafydd Bond here to save Wales”
| Dafydd Bond Films | |
|---|---|
| Directed by | Roy Chubby Brown |
| Produced by | Jesus Christ |
| Written by | Mr. Bean |
| Starring | *Huw Ceredig - Dafydd Bond
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| Distributed by | * (Goldenpussy & Moonraper) Shite Productions
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| Release date(s) | *Goldenpussy - 1975
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| Running time | 180 Minutes (3 films) |
| Language | English, Welsh |
The Dafydd Bond films are a very successful series of films based on a Welsh Spy (no imitations whatsoever) and include the characters of Mmmmmm...., Miss Moneyfanny and Snooker Q.
Cast member listing[edit]
Primary Cast & Box Office Receipts[edit]
The cast for License was revealed on the 6th January 2009.
| | Golden | Moonraper | Dr. No | Licence |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Huw Ceredig as Dafydd Bond |  |
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| Judi Dench as Mmmmmm.... | |
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| Billie Piper as Miss Moneyfanny | |
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| Robert De Niro as Snooker Q | |
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| Alan Carr as Mr. Jones (The Evil Man) | |
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| Graham Norton as Mr. Llewelyn (The Moonraper) | |
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| Kenneth Williams as Dr. No (The gay evil one) | |
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| Tom Cruise as Dr. No Jr. (The gay evil son) | |
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| Ruth Madoc as Dafydd Bond's Wife | |
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| Pamela Anderson | |
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| Heather Mills McCuntney | |
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| Budget | £26,000 | £16,000 | £6,000 | £600 |
| Welsh Box office | £200,000 | £220,000 | £1,604,947 | £4,647,321 |
| UK Box office | £175,000 | £200,000 | £1,580,999 | £2,649,358 |
| American Box office | £299.99 | £An Insult | £684,586 | £287.34 |
Secondary Cast[edit]
Goldenpussy[edit]
- Agent 004 - Bruce Forsyth
- Young Agent 004 - Henry VIII
Moonraper[edit]
- Franny G. Rape - Meg Griffin
- Agent 002.6 - Terry Wogan
- Agent 002.7 - Mr. Bean
- Agent 002.8 - Eminem
- Richard Branson - Dick Branssonn
Dr. No Don't Touch Me There[edit]
- Agent 018 - Margaret Thatcher
- Agent 018's Bitch - David Cameron
- Shit Millennium Stadium Singer - Charlotte Church
Licence to Say Never[edit]
The cast for this film was revealed on the 6th January 2009:
- Agent 001 - Tom Jones
- Love Mistress - Mary Whitehouse
- Sidney Poker - Gordon Brown
- Dafydd Bond's Child - Bernard Manning (Cameo)
- Clitoris Speaker - Kelsey Grammar (Cameo)
Critical Reception[edit]
These are the accolades received for each film:
Goldenpussy[edit]
“What a pile of steaming horse shit. I've seen better f*cking acting from a retarded Tom Cruise!”
“Not enough sex scenes for my liking!”
Moonraper[edit]
“What the f*ck!! a sequel!”
“I got a bit aroused but I'm still not satisfied, the rape scenes were brilliant!”
Dr. No Don't Touch Me There[edit]
“*NO ACTIONS* Roger has a Heart Attack”
“Very sexy film Huw Ceredig's Welsh accent just gives me the horn every time I watch it!”
Licence to Say Never[edit]
“*NO VOICES* Shhh can you hear the wood on his coffin being shook”
“I'm in it YES! now I've got something to watch with my pussy we'll enjoy it!”
“I think it will be a vewy good movie I weckon that the casting of Mawy Whitehouse was a weally good choice”
Table[edit]
| Film Title | Year of Release | Budget | Box Office Profit | Short Summary |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Dr. No Don't Touch Me There | 1962 | £1.50 | Millions | Bond is captured by Dr. No, who wants to rape Bond, but when he finds out Bond has no balls (literally) he lets him go, but he doesn't get away scot-free: he has his penis chopped off by the doctor. |
| She Thrush with Love | 1963 | £2.00 | £18,000,000 | Unknown. |
| Coldfinger | 1964 | £10.98 | £125,000,000 | Unknown. |
| Swollen Balls | 1965 | £126 | £198,000,000 | Dafydd is kicked in the balls while the villain tries to make his escape. |
| You Only Get Laid Twice | 1967 | £1300 | £20,000,000 | Unknown. |
| On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix | 1969 | £4000 | £61,000,000 | MI6 discover that there is a plot to kidnap the queen so Dafydd is spent to protect her, only to discover he may have met his true love... |
| Dafydd in the Heather | 1971 | £18,000 | £16,000,000 | Dafydd makes out with a woman named Heather, which gives his arch enemy free rein to take over Las Vegas and launch a diamond-encrusted satellite. |
| Lick and Let Her Cry | 1973 | £25,000 | £125,000,000 | Unknown. |
| The Man with the Golden Thunderballs | 1974 | £126,000 | £15,000,000 | A secret organisation steals a suicide bombers rucksack which they will detonate in a major city across the world unless the wealthiest man in the world hands over his golden balls...Dafydd is assigned to the case! |
| The Spy Who Got Anally Raped by Ernest Jawdick Blowjob | 1977 | £150,000 | £126,000,000 | All that is known of this movie is that Ernest Jawdick Blowjob will appear and that Dafydd will end up losing his nose, rectum, and face. |
| Moonraper | 1979 | £226,000 | £19,000,001 | Bond has to stop another evil man from trying to fulfil his lifelong dream of raping the Moon while trying to pay off his student loan he succeeds in stopping him but because of a knife blow to the genitalia he has to have his second bollock removed. |
| For Your Thighs Only | 1981 | £145,000 | £129,000,000 | Dafydd has to protect a woman's legs from an international criminal organisation. |
| Hairypussy | 1983 | £130,000 | £145,000,000 | Dafydd gets more than he bargained for when he goes undercover to protect a woman from a smuggling racket. |
| A Few on the Pill | 1985 | £1,000,000 | £130,000,000 | Dafydd discovers plans to detonate a bomb in vicinity of a contraception-making factory which will leave all his lovers with no contraceptive pills. Can Dafydd save the day? |
| The Live Rapelights | 1987 | £26,000 | £34,000,000 | Unknown. |
| Licence to Say Never | 1989 | £88,000 | £165,000,000 | Bond is about to get promoted to getting a licence to say never to Mmmmm..... whenever he wants but is called on an emergency mission to stop an evil man trying to infiltrate MI-20 headquarters, he succeeds but has a bazooka bomb fired at his left arse cheek by one of his henchmen and his arse cheek has to be removed. |
| Goldenpussy | 1995 | £126,000 | £15,000,000 | Bond must stop an evil man who is trying to take over the world. The man has a goldenpussy which he likes to stroke quite often. Bond succeeds but has to have a bollock removed because of a dodgy laser experiment. |
| Tracy Never Cries | 1997 | £500,000 | £786,000,000 | Unknown. |
| The Womb Is Not Enough | 1999 | £226,000 | £19,000,001 | Unknown. |
| Die Another Gay | 2002 | £999,000,000 | £10.95 | Bond travels to the 60s where Winston Church-Hitler (The spawn of Winston and Adolf) makes all the women have moustaches and grow armpit hair!, So that, in his words, the world would have a better future. |
| Cassie's Boil | 2006 | 123,000,000 | £180,000,000 | While working undercover at a Las Vegas casino in order to stop terrorists using their winnings to bankroll attacks, Dafydd gets laid with a waitress who, it turns out, is suffering from Genital Boils. |
| Quantum of Orifice | 2008 | £36,000,000 | £98.50 | Dafydd spends the entire film trying to track down the mysterious organisation Quantum, who raped and murdered his wife and violated one of his personal orifices. |
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